“Men are stubborn,” she says, nudging my shoulder. “They need time to think and process. Like when I got pregnant with Anna May. We both cried. But mine were tears of joy. Sure I was scared, but I had never been happier, too. Her father, though. He was scared and felt like his life was over. His freedom was gone. Sure he came around eventually, but that took time. Noah needs some time - and that’s okay.”
I breathe deep and will the eerie feeling in the pit of my soul to go away. The feeling that she’s wrong, oh boy is she wrong - and it’s only a matter of time before we both know it.
A figure appears across the park and starts walking toward us. I could spot that walk anywhere - and in his uniform, there is only one man it could be. I sit up a little straighter as he comes closer. The butterflies in my stomach take over my rational thoughts and I am not sure if I am about to throw up, pass out or make a fool of myself.
Anna May runs to her uncle, and he swings her up in his arms. Kissing her cheek, he continues to walk toward us. My heart melts and breaks at the sight of her in his arms. At the knowledge of what a good father he will be, and I may never be around to witness it.
Once the pair are a few steps within reach, Anna May says, “Momma, Uncle Noah said he was gonna take me for ice cream. Can I go, Momma?”
Jolene rolls her eyes just as the two of them come to a stop in front of us. Noah sets Anna May down at her mother’s feet. Looking into her daughter’s eyes, Jolene says, “You tell your uncle, your momma has already told him not to spoil your dinner two times this week.”
Anna May rolls her eyes right back. She’s a kid after my own heart, and I can’t help but laugh a little. Turning back around, Anna May sticks out her finger. “Uncle Noah, don’t spoil my dinner.” She takes off running, but turns around once to yell, “But I won’t tell if you don’t.”
I try and hide my snicker, as Jolene rises and walks off to scold her daughter. Looking up, I see concern written all over Noah’s face. He doesn’t smile. Just stares desperately into my eyes. He’s here, and yet he isn’t. I have to remind myself to breathe as the weight of what he came here to say hangs in the air around us.
“Can we talk?” he asks, his voice breaking slightly. I nod and rise. He gestures to a park bench a little out of sight and out of earshot from Jolene. I begin the torturous walk towards the bench, hoping he will just spill it. I want to fast forward. To get to the finish. To where the pieces of everything get put back together again and we can move on, finally.
I reach the bench, and slowly take a seat. Noah stays standing. He looks off into the distance. A distance that mirrors the look in his eyes. A distance I am not sure I can cross if he won’t let me.
When he doesn’t speak, I reluctantly start rambling as my nerves take over. “I went by the newspaper the other day. Have you met Mary? She’s so sweet. I stopped by there again today to talk to her about a few things.”
Still nothing. Noah stands like a mute statue. A stone I am not sure I can break, even if I try.
“I never told you. It all kind of happened so fast, and then the other night..” I stop talking and watch as Noah’s face grows worrisome. “Well anyways, they offered me a job…”
Noah’s attention snaps quickly to mine. A hardened reluctance hangs in his eyes.
“Anyways,” I swallow hard. “I stopped by today to tell her I’d take it. They want me to start right away. I mean I can’t do that, I still have to put in some time back home, and then there is a move across the country. I was kinda hoping you could help me with that since you’ve been down that road before.”
I laugh, but Noah doesn’t. I take a deep breath and stare off at the playground behind Noah. At Anna May and Jolene. At a life I always wanted but never knew I did, until now.
“You can’t take that job,” Noah whispers after a moment. My eyes lock on his.
A little nervous, I shrug and continue. “Dreams change. People change. I am a writer, Noah. I can write anywhere. But I can’t…”
“The baby is mine, Eva!”
I don’t breathe. My eyes grow wide. When he turns to look at me, I see tears in his eyes. An emptiness and sadness stares back at me that I’m not sure will ever be erased.
“He’s mine, darlin’,” he repeats sadly. “Fuck, it’s going to kill me, but I’m going to have to let you go.”
Chapter Fifty-Four
Noah
Her eyes ghost over with a look that will haunt me for the rest of my life. My heart breaks right along with hers, as I tell her what I’ve been putting off for a while now.
My throat goes dry as I stare into her blue eyes. I swallow back the tears that threaten to break free and try to think of something to say. Something to leave her with.
But staring at her, like she is now, perfect and beautiful and a dream I will never experience again - words seem pointless. There is nothing I can say to erase all we have been through. There is nothing I can tell her that will stop the restless nights ahead. All there is left to do is leave, and like a coward, I turn to walk away.
“Stop,” Eva yells. I oblige, but I don’t turn around. I keep my stare focused on the kids running around the playground. On their carefree lives with their futures still ahead of them and wonder how I will ever pick up the pieces of my own.
“You don’t get to walk away,” she cries. “Not this time. Not again. I won’t let you get the satisfaction of the last word.”
She rounds my side and stands in front of me. A fiery defense sets in her posture, but I keep my eyes trained ahead. Ahead to a future without her, because damn it, I can’t let myself look back. I can’t let myself stare into her eyes and wonder if we can make this work. If somehow, just maybe, there might be a chance.
“Noah, damn it, look at me,” she cries. My face hardens right along with my heart. I can’t look at her and all she is willing to give up. All she is willing to give me, so we can make a try at this.
