It would never be fair for me to ask her, make her, or even suggest that she stay. And if those test results come back positive, I am not going anywhere.
I lost my father young and swore I would never let my own child grow up without a dad. Like it or not, I am stuck. Stuck with a mess that Eva is too good for.. Stuck with no way out, and a lifetime of maintaining a relationship with a son I have never met and his mother that I can’t stand.
“When do you get the results?” Rex asks.
I shrug. “Anytime I guess. Said it could take three days.”
He takes a sip of his beer and leans forward. “You know, you owe it to her to at least talk to her, Noah.”
I laugh. “Which one? The girl that I can’t bear to see walk out of my life, even though I have to push her away a second time. Or the mother of my possible child who I can’t stand to look at, let alone raise a baby with?”
“You can make this work.”
“No, I can’t,” I insist, hopeful Rex gets the hint and leaves. “Why would I ever try? Eva doesn’t want to stay here, and I’m not leaving. So what good does it do to even begin to work this shit out? To even start to talk. To make her listen. To what? A sorry excuse for the way her life is going to be.”
“She loves you, Noah.”
“She doesn’t deserve this, Rex. No one does. Not even the baby. Fuck, I will love the hell out of that kid if it is mine. But the baggage. The bullshit. All the other crap that comes along with it.”
I shake my head, push out of the seat and walk to the window overlooking the front yard. Taking a deep breath, I try to will myself to walk away, to leave her and it alone when all I want to do is pick up that damn phone and call her. But I can’t. I can’t make her stay and live a life that would make her miserable.
“You know, love is a crazy thing,” Rex says, getting up out of his seat. Setting his beer down on the coffee table he walks a few steps in my direction. “Most of the time, it makes you do some really stupid shit. But, every once in a while, we get a real glimpse of the way God intended it to be. That girl wouldn’t second think staying by your side, Noah. She’d give up her life to be with you. Kind of like you were willing to do for her once upon a time.”
“I have no life to give her now,” I say as Rex begins to walk toward the door. His reflection comes to a stop in the window. He turns to look at me. A sadness fills his reflection.
“That’s where you are wrong. I just hope you figure it out before it’s too all late.”
Rex walks out the door, and as I watch him walk across the gravel road to his car, I sigh, “It is already too late.”
Chapter Fifty-Three
Eva
“Momma, momma, watch me,” Anna May giggles as she swings on the monkey bars at the park.
It has been three and a half days since our run-in with Becky, and I still haven’t heard from Noah. If it wasn’t for Jolene, I would have bought myself a one-way ticket for the West Coast and left a long time ago. She has a persuasive way about her, and after some much-needed venting, screaming, and coaching, I reluctantly decided to stick around and wait.
We sit and watch Anna May swing from bar to bar and end with a finale of sorts as she enthusiastically jumps to the ground. Clapping, I smile as a little boy comes over and asks Anna May to play. They grin at each other and run off with a sort of secret to a hidden destination.
If only life were that easy. The innocence of a child, the ease at making friends, the ability to bounce back from every scrape, cut, and bruise like it never happened is breathtaking. A few moments later, I catch a glimpse of the two of them poking their heads out around the corner of the play equipment to see if we are watching, which makes me snicker.
“I’m gonna have to keep my eye on that one,” Jolene says. “He’s always here, and always getting Anna May into mischief.”
Jolene stands and walks over to the two children. Peeking her head around the corner, she scares them in a childish way before making them listen and setting some ground rules. Both children smile and continue playing joyfully. As Jolene comes back to sit down, I wonder how she’s done this all by herself. Not the mothering, but the parenting.
I am sure it is an instinct when you become a mother. Something that’s born inside of you right alongside your child. But the parenting, the adapting through the late nights, diapers, feedings, school days, parent meetings, early drop-offs and pickups, volunteering - and everything in between, that’s a lot to juggle for one person. To go through all that on your own and raise a great child like Anna May has to be hard. Hard doesn’t do it justice. Unfair, maybe. But then I see the way Jolene devotes her life to her child, and regardless of the hard times or the unfair disadvantages, I know there is no other place she would want to be than loving her daughter and giving her the world.
“It’s worth it, you know,” Jolene says, almost as if she can read my thoughts when she sits back down beside me. “Every day. Every morning and night, and even the hours in between. Any parent would give up their life for their own. Quietly, we all do everyday. That little girl was my savior. I’ll always give her everything I got.”
The two children run off toward the slide. They giggle at the top of the steps, whispering a secret to one another before Anna May sits down and pushes off. Her hair is a mess, her pants are dirty from the rain and mud. She smiles brighter than I have ever seen a child smile as the wind hits her face on the way down the slide, and I can’t help but wonder if it’s possible to have the same feeling even when you don’t birth the child.
If this situation with Noah is true, could I love the baby as much as Jolene says you do? Could I have the same desire to hold, protect and lay down my life for a child I have never met? But then again, what if Noah doesn’t want me to?
“Do you ever wonder how it will be when you fall for someone again?” I ask Jolene. “How that will work with Anna May?”
I turn to look at Jolene. Her face hardens. Her brow furrows as she sits there deep in thought watching her daughter play. Picking her words carefully, she says, “We have a long road ahead of us, Eva. I’m not a stupid woman, I know this changes a lot of things. But it doesn’t change everything. Life goes on. I don’t know if I can answer your question, because that is not a step I am ready for right now, and maybe won’t be for a very long time. But when I am, when it is right, I’ll know.”
I hang my head low and look at my hands. Wringing them together a little, my heart breaks not knowing where I stand, where I am going, and what is to become of my future.
