A vision flashes, there and gone so quickly I almost miss it. Maddy on his knees, looking up at me. My lungs seize, trapping my breath.
“That’s kind of what I mean, man,” Shane says. “Most straight guys, even those who can recognize other men as being attractive, don’t talk about other guys as hot. Maybe you don’t want to bone every guy or girl you think is hot, but like…it sounds like you kind of find both genders appealing?”
Wow. Do I? I take in Shane’s shadowed form. I remember when he picked me up at the airport, I’d thought he was good-looking. He’s got an angular jaw, piercing blue eyes—though I can’t see their color under the cover of night—and full lips. Maddy’s got full lips too, more pouty, though, especially when he purses them slightly when he’s annoyed. It’s adorable.
I cock my head, taking in the guy in my passenger seat. Shane’s also got sexy hair. It’s tousled, kind of like how Maddy’s is, though Shane wears his longer and it’s a mess of waves. So, I guess I find Shane hot. I’ve always noticed girls and guys when it came to looks. But it’s not like my dick wants him, as is obvious by the fact that it’s just chillin’ limp in my jeans.
Shane grins, his dimples flashing at me. “Checking me out, Cowboy?”
I roll my eyes but answer honestly. “Yeah. I guess I think you’re hot. But like, you also think you’re hot, so I don’t think that tells me much.” But maybe he’s on to something. I don’t really think I care about gender…
We both sit in silence for a beat. “Maybe that is what this is. All along, what I’ve felt for him is love. Romantic, I-want-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-with-you love.” A picture of me and Maddy, twenty years from now, watching a ballgame, my head in his lap while he plays with my hair, fills my mind. Something we’ve done a thousand times. It’s our future. I see it. I want it. “How could I not have known? When did this even happen?”
“I don’t know, man. But it’s not like love follows a formula. This is probably one of thoseright place, right timethings. Or maybe you are just really stupid. I don’t know. It’s not like…uncommon for people to fall in love with their long-time friends. It’s kind of, like, considered really romantic or some shit.”
I snort a laugh. “Shane, you really have a way with words. You know that?”
He looks down his nose at me. “I’m eloquent as fuck.” He tilts his head and purses his lips as he studies me. “Maybe…you just needed the right moment to snap it into focus. I think… I think certain things are so ingrained in our lives we don’t even see them. From day one we’re taught boys like girls, you know? It’s blasted in our faces in the books we read, the shows we watch. And right alongside it? Toxic masculinity and homophobia.
“It’s in the subtle, everyday remarks—who are we fucking kidding—in the loud, not-so-subtle shit guys and coaches throw around in the locker room. So maybe you always had this in you. Maybe you always felt this way about Maddox. But your brain never went there, because we’re taught guys aren’t supposed to like guys. Something needed to happen to break through all that bullshit to bring it to the surface. And dude, that bullshit is fucking thick.”
I nod slowly. Isn’t that the truth? Kind of a gross metaphor but true. After a bad game, after we play like shit, it’s never just about the errors, the striking out. We get called ladies like it’s the worst insult imaginable. Queer, gay, and slurs are tossed around as casually as high-fives. The air we breathe in the locker room is toxic, suffocating. I’ve always known it, but it’s never sunk in until now. My heart constricts so tight a wave of nausea passes over me.Maddy. Oh God, poor Maddy. Living with that all these years? Hell, some of the things our teammates have said—fuck—and he had to just silently stand there and take it.
“The world is fucked,” I say quietly, and glance at Shane.
The smile he sends me is thin, weighted down by that ugly truth. Smiles shouldn’t look so sad, so hopeless, and I can’t help but wonder about the pain reflecting back at me. But it’s gone in a flash, and Shane’s usual grin pops back in place.
He playfully punches me on the shoulder. “Now’s not the time to dwell, though. This is, like, all joyful, right? He loves you. You’re realizing you love him too.” He makes heart-hands and flutters his eyelashes. Just like that, he sends the heavy moment packing. He’s almost too good at that.
“Yeah, and I’ve been completely blind to it.” I card my hand through my hair. “Maybe it was harder to see because of everything you mentioned. But I wonder if…maybe I didn’t see it because it’s always been there. What’s the saying? You can’t see your own nose for your face?”
“Exactly.” Shane nods adamantly. “Like a bad smell. Eventually, you become immune to it. Don’t even smell the love stank any longer.”
I choke and then we both burst out laughing.
“Don’t. Ever.” I say between gasps. “Say love stank again.”
When we’ve caught our breath, Shane says, “Now that we’ve hashed that out… How exactly did you leave it with him?”
I wince.
“Easton?” There’s a hint of warning in Shane’s voice, like he knows I might have just been a huge asshole. “What did you say to him?”
“So… That’s kind of the problem. I maybe, possibly actually didn’t say anything. I…left.”
“What?” Shane’s voice ricochets around the car. “He confessed that he’s in love with you, and you justleft? Broooo.” There’s so much accusation in his deep tone, so much disapproval. “That is so… Well, fucked. It’s fucked, Easton. I know him cutting off contact isn’t cool, but this situation is complicated as all hell. He’s probably pissing himself right now.”
I groan. “You’re right. I need to go back in there. And saysomething.”
“Uh, yeah, you fucking should. And make it a good something, dude. Real eloquent.”
Hopefully, I can figure out what I’m going to say by the time I get to his room.
I open the car door for the second time.
fourteen
Maddox
