Thedoortomyroom bursts open for the second time. Easton storms inside and freezes when his gaze falls on me. I’m still in the same spot I was when he left. I vaguely recall Alvarez’s head popping in to make sure I was still alive. I haven’t been able to get my feet to work. I’m having enough trouble getting my vital organs to keep functioning.
Easton takes a step toward me, and I flinch. I don’t even know why. I’m a mass of confusion, of hurt and shame. I don’t know what to say to fix this. I’m not sure this can be fixed. All I know is he looks angry standing there on the other side of my room. His brows are twisted in a scowl, mouth flat with determination. It’s the look he gets when he’s up to bat, ready to destroy a pitch. I’m a little afraid he’s about to destroy me.
“East,” I start weakly. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. This is all completely ameproblem. I thought it would go away. I’ve tried so fucking hard. But it’s not going away, and that’s why I cut off contact. It was a fucked thing to do. Iknowthat.” He moves toward me, and every muscle in my body goes rigid. Bracing for another fight. “I thought I could get over you while you were gone,” I rush out. “Then we could go back to how we used to be. Maddy and East. Best friends. I can’t be in love with you anymore. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I don’t know how else to get over you without doing this. And it’s killing me, East. It’s eating me alive—”
He grips my face, and time stops. He just stares at me, a resolute look shining in his light-blue eyes, a few small inches separating us. I bite my lip hard. My heart is scrambling in my chest, trying to run away from and get closer to the man in front of me all at the same time. His attention falls to my mouth, and my eyebrows fly to my hairline. Nope. They fly right off my fucking head. Because an unsteady breath falls from East, his gaze locked on my lips.
What…is happening right now?
“East?” My voice is the smallest it’s ever been, every shred of uncertainty coming out in that one word.
His throat ripples in a heavy swallow, and his fingers flex on my face. “I…um…I need to do something, I think.”
“What do you need to do?” I whisper. I’m a little afraid the answer is going to be…
His gaze flicks up to mine. “Kiss you.”
Oh, God. Oh no. My pulse takes off. It’s a runner stealing a base. But when you steal a base, it’s a big risk. Just like this is. It’s too late, though. Easton is making the call for both of us.
His lips brush against mine. Soft and tentative and—Oh, shit. They’re so fucking perfect. Oh no,no no no. Something just exploded in my chest. Detonated. Pretty sure it was my heart. His hands slide to cradle my head, and he leans into the kiss, mouth pressing harder. I can barely breathe. A decade of repressed love is threatening to burst from me. I think this kiss is going to be the end of me.
Then his tongue slides against my lips, and I have my answer. Yup. It’s going to kill me. No person is built to withstand emotions of this magnitude. Even though every cell in my body is screaming to deepen the kiss, I turn away from him and press gently against his chest.
He pulls back but doesn’t drop my face. His blue eyes search mine, a night sky of questions shimmering back at me. I couldn’t possibly answer any of them.
“Wh-what are you doing, East?”
His brow pinches and his gaze slips to my lips again. “Kissing you.” The words are low, rough and raspy.
“I…don’t understand,” I whisper. “You’re straight. Why would you kiss me?”
“I think maybe I’m not as straight as I thought I was.”
I jerk away from him and pace over to the other side of my room. A-fucking-what now? I drag a hand through my hair. It’s longer than I usually keep it, but I haven’t found it in me to care to get it cut.
“What do you meanyou’re not as straight as you thought? Like what the fuck, East. You can’t just say things like that to me.”
Does he have any idea what those words mean coming from him? And what it will do to me if it turns out not to be true? I suck in a breath, but nothing happens. I’m drowning; my lungs flooded with painful emotion. Of crushed hope. That’s the only way this ends. Straight guys don’t just magically turn gay. Not for their pathetic, lovesick best friend. It just doesn’t happen.
“I don’t…know that gender matters to me,” he says slowly. Almost like he’s trying to figure it out along the way. “All I know is that I’ve never cared for anyone the way that I care for you. No other friend, no girlfriend. After being away from you these past months? Not hearing from you? I was fucking heartbroken, Maddy.” Pain flashes over his features, and I hate myself. I hate myself for hurting him. I hate myself for putting us in this position.
“You’re everything to me, Maddy,” he whispers. “A vital part of me I can’t live without. I thought it was because we were best friends. I’ve always loved you. I just hadn’t realized all this time I’ve been in love with you too.”
I’m shaking my head. No. This can’t be happening. Is this happening? This is a nightmare. I’m going to wake up and find myself alone in my bed, the love of my life nowhere to be found. A cruel, sick, twisted fucking joke.
He walks up to me, slow and hesitant, like he’s afraid I’m seconds from fleeing. I am. I’m so close to tearing from this room and running. I’m terrified and elated, and it’s a horrible combination. The kind that threatens your sanity.
Easton stops in front of me. He doesn’t touch me, though, and I’m grateful. I think I’d crumble. I’m barely holding it together.
“It’s like muscle memory,” he whispers. “I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s an essential part of who I am—second nature. I think I was born to love you, Maddy. Simple as that. And maybe…since I don’t experience sexual attraction the way most people do, I never recognized it for what it was.” His gaze darts to my lips and back up. He swallows hard. “But, uh, yeah. I think I see a bit more clearly now that it’s definitely more than friendship.”
I can’t wrap my head around this. Though it’s really not that complicated. But it’s so fucking complicated.
“You’re in love with me. Me. A guy. With a penis.”
Easton’s lips twitch slightly. “Yeah, Maddy.”
“You…you don’t care I have a penis?”
