I wrap my thighs around his waist and buck us into a roll. I manage to scramble up onto his chest, his arms imprisoned beneath my knees. His hips jerk, his body thrashes, but he’s trapped. I’m too heavy, too much bigger than him. Our harsh breaths echo through the silence of his bedroom, my chest surging as my lungs gulp in air.
I grip his chin, my fingers digging into the hard line of his jaw. “Talk,” I hiss. “Tell me, Maddy, why you’re throwing away a lifetime of friendship without explanation. I deserve to know what’s going on,” I grit out.
His jaw clenches in my hold. The silence settling over us is weighted, so heavy it could suffocate. Something crackles between us. It hovers in the air—the magnitude of the moment. His lips part the smallest amount, and I know before he says any words that whatever’s about to come from his mouth is going to change us forever. Now I don’t know if I want to know. But it’s too late. His words are already surfacing.
“I’m in love with you.” The words come out laced with pain and shame, ripped from deep inside where they’ve been buried.
My fingers loosen on his face, and I blink at him. A dull buzzing fills my ears. He’s…in love with me.
I shakily push off him and rise to my feet. He scrambles out from under me and stands, taking two large steps away from me. His arms cross in front of his stomach, his fingers digging into his sides, like he’s trying to cage the turmoil twisting inside him. I can see it pouring from his eyes. Fear. Guilt. Despair. Heartbreak.
“I was trying to get over you,” he whispers.
Oh, God.
He loves me.
He’s in love with me.
I can’t process this.
I spin on my heel and leave.
The car door slams. And then silence. My heart storms against my ribcage, my pulse drumming violently in my neck. I can’t seem to get my eyes to go back to their normal size. They’re destined to be stretched ridiculously wide for the rest of my life. I’ll forever look like I’m in a state of alarm.
I turn toward Shane. His stare rakes over me, and his chin juts in. “Wh-what happened?” The way his voice lilts up at the end tells me all I need to know about how truly insane I look right now.
I stare blindly at my steering wheel. I can’t see, can’t feel. Maddy’s in love with me. I’m afraid to know how long he’s felt that way.I was trying to get over you. Am I a complete fool for not realizing? I drop my head to my hands, clutching my cheeks and digging my fingers into my skin. Shit. We’ve always been so affectionate, me more so than him. I’m always telling him I love him. Have I been unknowingly torturing him all this time?
I blow out a breath and look back at Shane. “He… He’s in love with me,” I say hoarsely.
Shane’s eyebrows disappear, and his mouth pops open in a small ‘O’. He blinks twice then says, “Well, that’s a curveball we weren’t expecting. Um. Did you even know he was into dudes?”
My eyes sink shut, and I grimace. “Yes.” What a fucking mess. “We’ve been so close for so long, I don’t think I can tell the difference between friend-love and…love-love. It’s not like he’s acted any different around me than he always had. And he’s been with plenty of guys—not that that’s surprising. Maddy’s a catch. He’s the full package. He’s got the looks, the smarts, the humor.” I let out a dull laugh. “I used to get jealous over the guys he’d have over, like they were a threat to my best-friend position. How fucked up is that?”
Shane’s throat clearing echoes around the interior of the car. “So, while we’re throwing curveballs, I have a crazy question.” My gaze snaps to his. “Do you possibly…share his feelings?”
My jaw slackens.
“Not saying it necessarily means anything,” he hurries to add. “But, um, the way you talk about him kind of…” He trails off and bites his lip. “When we first met, I had actually thought he was, like, your secret boyfriend.” He laughs awkwardly. “Then I learned about your girlfriend, so I was like, clearly I misjudged that pitch. But I don’t know, man. I don’t want to be that person who assumes bro-to-bro affection means more than friendship because I think a lot of guys could probably benefit from a little more love in their lives.” He reaches behind himself and squeezes his neck. “But maybe in your case…the affection actually isn’t so straight?”
My mouth works, but nothing forms. Nothing is forming in my brain.
Am I not straight?
DoIlove Maddy? Likein love.
I’ve never thought about it—the distinction. I’ve just always…loved him. I’ve never questioned what kind of love that was. What I do know is I never felt for Shelby what I feel for Madz. My breakup with Shelby sucked, but more because I knew I was hurting her. It was nothing compared to how I’ve been feeling since losing Maddy. It quite literally has felt like my heart has been smashed to bits in my chest. All the pieces are there, so I can still survive, but I’m fractured, a walking wound.
Heartbroken.
I let out a growl and bang my head against the top of the steering wheel. I wish I felt desire like everyone else seems to—fast and obvious. Then this would be easier to figure out. You remove sex from the equation, and how do you differentiate between romantic love and platonic love?
“I don’t know, Shane,” I finally whisper. I turn to him, pleading with him to have answers. “I don’t know how to tell.”
He studies me, his forehead pinched. “Well, man. Do you like…want to tap that ass? Usually that’s a good sign.”
A delirious laugh bursts from me. If fucking only. “I don’t work that way, Shane. I’m going to shock you right now, but I don’t really care about sex. It barely ever crosses my mind. The only time that’s been different was when I was with Shelby. I don’t look at a hot chick and think, wow, I’d like to stick my dick in her. I don’t look at hot guys and think, hey I’d like him on his knees for me.”
