“Go on,” I say.
I figure this is going to be about Beth, about the threesome, so when he goes on to fill me in on the drama happening with our father and another motorcycle club, it takes me a moment to wrap my head around it all.
“Fuck,” I say, resting my head in my hands.
“Yeah.”
“I can’t believe you’re just telling me this now.”
“I wasn’t gonna tell you at all, but Mom found out and told me that if I didn’t, she’d make sure I regretted it.”
“Wow,” I chuckle, “all the shit you took from Frank, but Mom just threatens you and you’ll do anything for her.”
“I’d do anything for both of you, threat or no threat,” he says, and the look in his eyes tells me he means it. “You’re my family, and I lost sight of that. Fuck Frank, and honestly, fuck the club if they have a problem with you being gay. You and Mom are the most important people in my life.”
Tears creep into my eyes, this is everything I wanted him to say when I came out. “You really mean that?”
“Of course I do.” He stands and pulls me into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Donovan.”
I can tell by his voice that he’s crying too; I’ve never seen him cry, not once in my entire life. But we both cry now, holding each other, and I know that I forgive him. I forgive him for how he reacted; it wasn’t out of disgust or hatred of me; it was out of fear. Fear for my safety, fear for what this means for me, fear of stepping out of our father’s shadow.
“So is there someone special for you?” Diablo asks.
We spent longer outside talking, I laid into him about Beth and managed to make him see sense. But now we’re inside with mom and Miguel, sharing a meal together, like a real family.
“Um… there was, but it’s complicated,” I say.
“Do I need to kick his ass?” he asks. “Because I will, I don’t care if he’s gay, if someone hurts you they’re getting hurt back.”
Considering that he’s no stranger to the underground fight scene, squaring off with a six-foot-two pro-football player would be just another Tuesday for him, but the thought of him and Stephen ever laying hands in anger makes me feel sick.
“No, it’s not like that,” I say.
Mom leans over the table and holds my hand. “I already told you, mijo, love shouldn’t be complicated. If you love someone, you love them.”
“I know, Mamá,” I say sadly, “that’s why I ended it. He couldn’t love me in the way that I needed him to, and I deserve better than that.”
“Yes, you do,” she says.
“What’s his problem?” Diablo asks. “You sure I don’t need to kick his ass?”
“No, D,” I chuckle. “Okay, he was my roommate at Winbrook, and for reasons I can’t say, he needed us to keep our relationship a secret. Which was fine at the start, but the more time that went on, it just felt wrong. After coming out to you all, I didn’t want to hide behind secrets anymore, I wanted tobe out. And I realized that because of his situation, he could never give me that.”
“I’m sorry, bro,” Diablo says, reaching his arm around my shoulders and pulling me into a hug. “But you’re right, you do deserve more than being someone’s secret. Secret relationships are fun at first, I should know,” he chuckles, “but ultimately, if you want to be together, you want it to be all the time.”
“You made a very difficult but mature decision,” Miguel says, “I know that couldn’t have been easy. Will you be okay being his roommate now?”
“It sucked,” I say, “hardest thing I’ve ever done, even harder than coming out. But we’re not roommates anymore. He left campus today, so I’ll have the room to myself for the next month, until I’m back in Tynerston.”
“Maybe some space will do you both good,” Miguel says.
I nod, hoping that he’s right… maybe space will make this hurt less, I really fucking hope so.
Chapter 20
Stephen
I’vefeltlikeazombie this entire week, going through the motions, plastering on a fake smile every time someone congratulates me, which seems to happen a million times a day. Being a player on the varsity team means that I’ve always been relatively popular, but this week everyone seems to think they’re my best friend, even if they’ve never spoken a single word to me before.
