Chapter Twelve
Fuckity fuck,what am I thinking!
I had been at the office late to see a patient having pain after their wisdom tooth removal, and the next thing I knew, I was pulling up in front of The Falling Star. I’d been keeping odd hours at the office the last two weeks to avoid being in the house too much at the same time as Ethan. He was too much of a temptation, and I was losing my battle to hold back. As long as I wasn’t near him, I was okay. Not great, but it was bearable. Being at home was tough. Knowing he was in the same house, under the same roof, was beginning to be too much of a temptation. I kept telling myself I was his protector. He was relying on me to keep him safe. But that was beginning to ring hollow the more I thought about it.
I was confused and seeing Ethan looking so fuckable tonight was pushing me into dangerous and scary territory. I hadn’t had a relationship in so long. I couldn’t remember the year it had been. Sometime before the boys had come to live with me, but that was all I remember. I had pushed my own needs to the back so I could focus on them. Especially after the incident, I made sure to never put my own needs before them. Now, when I was faced with the possibility of something for me? I was scared out of my mind. Being selfless and putting my own needs to the side was a comfort zone now. I was used to the gnawing loneliness. Wasn’t that the most pitiful thing I’d ever heard? Patrick would take the piss out of me for the rest of my life if I ever told him something so pathetic. But pathetic or not, it was true. I was used to being lonely. Now I had to decide if I could move past that into a possible future. The thought was scary as hell.
Confusion was still hanging onto me when Ethan came back through the kitchen doors with a bemused look. “Connor and Ladd are going to be here a while, so I’m locking up the front for them.”
He didn’t elaborate, but he didn’t really have to. Connor and Ladd were very much in love, but they were still in lust, too. Both of them just had to look at the other in a certain way, and they’d disappear for hours. We laughed about it at the last family dinner before Christmas and told them they weren’t allowed to look at each other until we’d all eaten. That was the kind of relationship I wanted. So in lust that we couldn't even get through dinner without needing to feel the other person. That kind of relationship also scared the fuck out of me. God, why was I so confused?
Ethan and I went out the front door, locking it behind us, and walked to my car. I opened the door for Ethan, and he stood there a few seconds before lowering his lithe body into the leather seat. I closed his door and walked around the front to the driver’s door, all the time breathing in the cool air and telling myself I’m an adult, and I can handle a car ride with a gorgeous guy. I said it, didn’t mean I believed it.
As I got in and started the engine, Ethan turned to me and stared at my face. The streetlights made strange shadows across his face, but I knew he was studying me closely. I knew he had something he wanted to say. I didn’t have to wait long. Just as I pulled out onto the street that would take us home, Ethan began.
“So, Jay, what the fuck is going on?”
“Ummm.” Brilliant, just brilliant. Here I was a doctor, a middle-aged man and that was the best I could come up with.
“I’m serious, Jay, this isn’t a joke. I want to know what the fuck is going on here. We flirted for weeks on the chats and texts. I really started to like you, and I thought you liked me, too. You even asked me out. You seem to have forgotten, but I didn’t. I was looking forward to a date with you, asshole. Even if my situation was fucked up, I was even happy to move here and get to spend all my time getting to know you even better. But that shit hasn’t happened, and I need to know the deal. I think I deserve at least some honesty. Is it the way I dress? Is my makeup too much? I love it, but I guess I could tone it down. I know this little town isn’t The Big Easy, so maybe I should pull myself back a little bit. Is that it?”
I could not let him keep going down this road of self-doubt even one second longer.
“Ethan, no. I love the way you dress, and the way you wear your makeup is perfect for you. I would never want you to change for anyone. You’re perfect just the way you are. As to your question, the only answer I have is that I don’t know. I don’t know what the deal is, but I will tell you weren’t alone in those chats and texts. I got to really like you. I do like you very much. Maybe more than very much.” I held one hand on the wheel and pushed the other through my hair. “Damn, I don’t even know what that means. I like you, and you like me. I haven’t forgotten the date, believe me, but I figured you needed to get your bearings here. I told you no strings, and I meant that. I won’t try anything and have you think I’m forcing you, or you owe me something. I would rather die than have you think that.”
“Awww, Jay, I would never think you were taking advantage of me. You’re too good a person to think that about you. You’re one of the nicest men I’ve ever met, so don’t ever think I’ll believe that about you, okay?”
I nodded my agreement as I drove into the driveway of the house and punched the button on the visor to open the gates. “Thank you, Ethan, that means a lot to me. Maybe we can start over tomorrow and see where we can go from here?”
The bright smile I glimpsed on his face in the moonlight peeping through the trees brought a lightness to my heart I hadn’t felt in so long. I might have finally convinced my mind to take a chance for once. I pulled into the garage and turned the engine off, then turned in my seat to face Ethan.
“I’m going to go to the workshop and finish up a few things. I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”
He smiled again, then leaned over and gave me a sweet kiss on my cheek.
“Goodnight, Jay, I’ll see you in the morning.” Then he got out of the car and climbed the stairs to the door that led into the kitchen.
I walked across the lawn toward my workshop, getting my leather apron off the hook next to the door and slipping it on after I took off my tie and dress shirt. I didn’t need the hassle of ruining yet another dress shirt. I’d ruined more than I could count over the years before using the apron and remembering to strip down to my undershirt.
I was working on a custom set of bands for a sweet couple in Georgia at the moment. They had contacted me and sent me an example of a complicated braided pattern they had found somewhere, and wanted to know if I could make the rings with the same pattern. It wasn’t that complicated, just very intricate. I had agreed and begun working out the pattern with strings before trying it with the silver wires. I had made a few mistakes at first, but then I’d finally gotten it right. These kinds of tasks were the ones I loved the most. Figuring out the patterns and making something beautiful from simple parts.
I was almost finished with the men’s band, and I was going to start working on the ladies’ band tonight to get a head start. I had plenty of time, but I wanted to be sure anyway. As I braided the strands of silver, my thoughts strayed to Ethan over and over again. He was doing a good job of hiding it, but there were still some bruises on his neck and a slight abrasion on his cheek. His split lip was all better, but I could still see his face and neck that night in the picture. It haunted me that anyone could have hurt him enough that he still showed the signs of it weeks later.
I had to protect him and keep him safe, even if it was from me. He was so young and beautiful, and the best years of my life were over and gone. I didn’t have anything bright and exciting to offer someone like beautiful Ethan. I had no right to try to start anything with him when it would be wasting his time and keeping him from finding the perfect person for him. He appreciated my efforts to keep him safe, and that was all it was. All it could be.
The longer I wove the strands together, the more my mind was knotted just like the silver wires. I was twisted and turned, back and forth, and then back again until I was so knotted and confused I had to stop.You have to stop!
I couldn’t start something with Ethan, knowing I couldn’t give him what he needed. I didn’t have anything to give, and he deserved more than that. My beautiful Ethan deserved everything.
I was good and depressed now and already second-guessing my thoughts as I made my way back to the house and let myself in quietly through the kitchen door. As I rounded the corner, I was startled to see Ethan coming down the hall wearing that pink robe again, looking so covered up, but still the sexiest thing I'd ever seen in my life. The way he swayed when he walked, even without heels, made my cock twitch. Every. Damn. Time.
I moved out of the shadows in the doorway and Ethan startled to a stop, reaching out a hand to steady himself on the wall and throwing the other hand over his heart. “Fuck, you scared me, Jay. I thought you’d gone to your shop to work.”
He looked up and met my eyes through that piece of hair that had fallen into his face again. Those eyes held every thought and emotion he had at this moment, such hope and maybe even love. In the low light from the night light in the hall outlet, I saw the same look he had in the car earlier. Hope, desire, want, and most of all, need. In that second, I threw all my second-guessing to the wind. Fuck, I was so tired of fighting this. I wanted something for myself, for once. Couldn't I have just one thing that was mine?
I reached a finger up to his hair and tucked the bangs back behind his ear, then kept my hand there, cupping his strong but delicate jaw in my larger palm. He closed his eyes at my touch and leaned into my hand like a kitten—my injured kitten. He could be so sweet, but I'd seen him use his claws when he had to.
I didn't know what possessed me at that moment, but I decided I was going to make my kitten purr just for me, even if it was only this once. I was a selfish bastard, but I wanted to feel him. God, I wanted to have one memory that could last a lifetime.
