I deepen the kiss until it’s almost desperate and I become more and more thoughtless. Yet the moment I realize I’m getting hard, I pull back from Sophie.
She opens her eyes and searches for my gaze, but I avoid it by turning my head and staring up at the ceiling.
"What is it?" she asks quietly, not moving. "Did I do something wrong?"
I suppress a groan and close my eyes before answering in a rough voice. "No. You didn’t do anything wrong."
"Then why did you stop?"
I force myself to look at her again. "Because it’s better that way."
There are confusion and shame, but also desire in her gaze. She probably doesn’t know it, but her body language speaks volumes. Her cheeks are flushed, her lips swollen, her eyes glazed over. Every one of her cells wants me, and if she does feel it, I don’t think she can categorize or even understand the feeling. And that’s exactly why I have to stop paying attention to the desire that’s rising in me, too.
"But I don’t want you to stop," she states bluntly and presses herself against me, nearly killing me. "I want you to keep going."
"Little darling… Please. You have no idea what you’re asking me to do."
Her fingers dig into my waist as she looks at me almost pleadingly. "Then explain it to me."
Cursing, I turn onto my back, causing her hand to slide over my stomach, making me even harder. I close my eyes, place my forearm over them, and take a deep breath.
"It wouldn’t be right to keep kissing you because kisses like that might lead to things that are just too soon.Waytoo soon." The words feel like acid on my tongue because they’re the stark opposite of what I want. Yet I have to say them—not just to her but to myself, too. Still, I hope Sophie will finally stop asking me so I can try not to think about what’s going on in my boxer briefs right now.
She’s silent for a moment before I hear her swallow loudly and she speaks again. "Don’t I get to decide for myself when something is too soon for me?"
I can’t believe she actually said that, but it does distract me, even if just for a second. "Of course you do. Butthis… goddamn… That’s just not a good idea, little darling."
Once again, she seems to hesitate and think, but then she says something that makes me fear the worst. "You promised you would never push me into anything."
"And I meant it," I reply seriously.
"Then what if… I mean… What if I tell you when you should keep going? What ifIdecide when you stop?"
I yank my arm away from my face and look at her. "You don’t know what you’re talking about."
She lifts her chin and furrows her brows slightly, but it’s the determination in her gaze that scares me to death. A determination I don’t know how to resist.
"Then show me, Cole. I’m tired of not knowing what it’s like. I don’t want to wait. And I want to be able to decide for myself. Too many decisions have been taken away from me already."
THIRTY-FIVE
SOPHIE
Cole’s expression shows disbelief, but his eyes say something entirely different. They don’t glow, theyburn. And that, in turn, sets me on fire.
Everything inside me tingles and tightens and…wants. I don’t care at all that I have no ideawhatI want. I only know that Ineedit and that Cole can give it to me.
"I’ve had enough of others deciding what’s good for me and what’s not," I say as tears well up in my eyes. "My whole life has been like this. I don’t want it anymore."
And it’s true. I’msotired of both my mother and Cole constantly telling me what I can and can’t do and what is good and bad and right and wrong. For almost eighteen years, I haven’t been able to make my own decisions. Even my first kiss was something externally determined. I wouldneverhold that against Cole because it was the best first kiss I can imagine, but thishasto stop. I want to follow the voice in my head and listen to my body, which seems to be made of nothing but wanting right now.
That’s desire, I realize as a wave of this feeling rolls over me.
My body aches for Cole, and I can’t and won’t deny it that desire. Because even though what I’ve been taught aboutintimacy has disturbed me, I can’t deny that being kissed by Cole wasn’t the least bit scary or even awful. It was overwhelming. Shattering. He threw my world off its axis and left me aching for more. More kisses, more desire, more Cole.
"Let me decide for myself," I beg while Cole’s still looking at me with wide eyes. "Please."
He blinks a few times before drawing his brows together. Then he turns onto his side and props himself up on one elbow, using his other hand’s thumb to gently stroke my cheek, where I can feel the tears that have escaped from my eyes. "You don’t know what you’re talking about," he murmurs as his gaze slides over my face.
