I waited for Dr. Anna's inevitable probing questions regarding my impassioned speech, but instead, she leaned forward to refill my water glass.
"Your childhood was filled with uncertainty and upheaval. Instead of having a nurturing caregiver who reassured you with their constant and loving presence in your life, you were left abandoned and neglected."
I murmured my thanks before taking a sip of water. This was all stuff I knew.Thanks, Mom.
"Your fear of abandonment is inflated in your romantic relationships," she continued. "I can't comment on the personality of the men you pick, but they are men who are perhaps not emotionally available to you."
Yeah, like a guilt-ridden widower.
"You feel like you're giving so much of yourself without getting anything back because the relationship is not genuine in its conception."
I frowned. "What do you mean?"
She tapped her pad and gave me a small smile. "They may not be available emotionally, but, Maria, neither are you. You've sacrificed your own needs and boundaries due to your deep-seated fear of abandonment.”
"Great. So because my mom was a crazy bitch, she fucked me up so bad that it's crept into my romantic relationships."
Dr. Anna pursed her lips. "I can't comment on an individual's mental health without a proper medical evaluation. And we also tend not to use that language when we do offer a diagnosis."
I refrained from rolling my eyes. Another thing about Dr. Anna: she was a stickler for the rules. I couldn't use flippantlanguage around her without it being taken literally. She'd then gently chastise me using her Colombia University jargon.
"That being said," she added, "I also cannot comment on the mental state of your male suitors." I wanted to snort at her terminology. Male suitors certainly sounded better than male fuck buddies.
"They may also have their own emotional growth that hindered them from establishing a more stable relationship with you. But we aren't here to focus on their behavior. I understand that having a stable relationship with someone who reassures you and makes you feel safe and secure is important to you. But consider what may happen if you enter into a relationship right now with someone. What would happen if your partner requires some space? If their personality requires them to be alone or if they have an independence that differs from yours?"
I would probably be tearing my hair out, coming up with various scenarios.
He's cheating on me.
I'm annoying him.
He's bored of me.
I'm not pleasing him in bed.
I then thought of my brief relationship with Brian. I rarely texted him, rarely called him. I didn't immediately rush to my phone to message him back. But that wasn't because I didn't desire to. Ihadto force myself from appearing clingy and needy. I held back because I was trying to curb behavior I thought drove men away.
Putting aside his emotional immaturity—I wasn't a doctor, but I felt comfortable diagnosing him with that—if Brian had decided to enter into a serious relationship with me, would my old habits of needing to feel needed creep back in? Would Brian have gotten sick of my issues and eventually left me? Or wouldhe have accepted me, flaws and all, and worked at reassuring me and understanding that I was a work in process?
One thing was for sure: I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship.
You would think that revelation would put a damper on my mood, but to the contrary, I went into the weekend with a spring in my step. Usually, after a therapy session, I was left feeling zapped. Not only emotionally and mentally but physically. Who knew talking could be so taxing?
But this was the first session where I felt invigorated. I was glad I decided to be transparent with Dr. Anna regarding my childhood. I truly thought my issues with my mother didn't affect my adult life, especially since I'd put that woman to the back of my mind once she took off. But talking through my stuff with Dr. Anna, it all made sense on how it was all connected.
So, instead of being holed up at home with a wine and a book, I accepted a night out with the girls. Yes, I hadgirlsnow.
I was a little nervous about going to The Homestead, the venue Rachel picked for our night out. I hadn't been back there since the night Lissa was banned. Solidarity and all that.
But after we fell out, I still stayed away for fear of running into Simon and Sofia. However, after my therapy session, where some ground was broken over my journey with Simon, I felt strong in myself that even if I did bump into them, it wouldn't be too terrible.
The Homestead was just as fun as I'd remembered, and I kicked myself for staying away so long. We ordered fish tacos to share with a side of salad and fries. The menu was delicious—no overly potent and watery margaritas here—and their live band every Saturday night was in top form. The spot was popular with locals, tourists, and day visitors. After all, the owner was married to a famous supermodel; one who visited often. The Homestead really was its own tourist attraction.
"We have a new mission," Rachel informed me between mouthfuls of fries.
I quirked my brow. "What was your first mission?"
She rolled her eyes. "Okay, we haveamission."
