"Yeah. It's been eye-opening."
"Maria…you can tell me to fuck off. I won't be offended." I raised my brow at his sudden change in subject. "It's what I deserve. But I truly believe that I'm making steps to better myself. Not just because you told me that's what I needed, but because IknewI couldn't be stuck in limbo like I had been for so long."
His hand reached out to touch me before he realized he was pushing his luck and retreated. "I never knew what I was missing until I met you. I know you think that's a line, but it's not. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Tell me you feel this, too."
"Brian…" His plea hit my core, but I didn't know what to say. My feelings for him were complicated. They hadn't dried up; there was no point in lying about that and, honestly, I was done hiding my feelings.
I’d always pretended not to be that needy girl, while ensuring I was at the forefront of their minds. I had sex when I didn't feel like it; I tried positions that hurt my body and my self-worth, but I did it all with a smile on my face. I told them it was fine. I told them that I was okay being used as a casual fuck buddy.
All lies.
I didn't want to slip back into my old habits by jumping at the first guy who gave me sweet words, but at the same time, I couldn't deny that my feelings for Brian hadn't dimmed.
"I need time. And space. To think about this." I also wanted to talk this through with Dr. Anna. Usually, she gave me a perspective that I hadn't considered. Or she'd tell me I was stupid for considering this. Of course, I knew she wouldn't say the latter, even though I sometimes wished she'd stop beating around the bush and just tell me what to do.
Brian couldn't hide the relief that flooded his features. It was cute. "Absolutely. Take your time."
I stood, the universal signal that it was time for him to hit the road. As much as I wished I could lean in and breathe in his delectable, manly scent, I knew I needed my head clear while I pondered this strange turn of events.
Reading my cue, he stood too. "Thank you for seeing me, Maria. Um…let me know, um, yeah."
His face heated, and I hid a smile at how eager he sounded. I pushed down any feelings of pity, of hurting his feelings if I ultimately decided not to pursue anything further with him. I wanted to stop pleasing others—men—at the sake of my comfort.
I had a lot to think about.
Chapter 31
Maria
"That was certainly nice of him," Dr. Anna commented. "How did that make you feel to receive that apology?"
I brushed a lint off my sleeve before shrugging. "His first apology felt sincere to me, but when he apologized the second time, it felt like a chapter was truly closed on that part of my life. With a happily ever after and everything. Not withhim, obviously," I laughed, hiding a shudder. The thought of forever after with Simon did not appeal to me. Funny how life quickly turned. "He and I are never going to be friends, but I felt like he really understood how much he hurt me. It was…nice."
"I agree." She crossed her leg over her other before tilting her head. "Any particular feelings regarding his change of behavior? In our earlier sessions, you mentioned how discontented you felt over his relationship with his fiance."
Discontent. That was a nice way of saying I felt bitter. But Dr. Anna was right. Ihadbeen bitter. I’d put in the hard slog,making sure I played the dutiful fuck buddy for Simon, only for him not to see past my impressive rack. Then Sofia came along, and he’d panted, rolled over, and showed her his neck.
Why not me?
That's what I had lamented to Dr. Anna. But that girl was eons away from the woman I was today. I had no lingering feelings ofdiscontentover his relationship. No shake-my-fist-at-the-sky'why not me'mentality. I was never going to send them a gravy boat for their wedding, but I could look at our relationship as part of the blueprints that helped heal me.
"No," I honestly replied. "I wish him and Sofia the best." There was nothing more to it than that.
Dr. Anna's shrewd gaze roamed over me, her eyes observing my movements. I folded and unfolded my arms before rubbing my nose and clearing my throat.
"Is there something else you wanted to talk to me about, Maria?"
"Hmm?"
I had come to today's session prepared. I’d planned on mentioning Brian straight off the bat, but I procrastinated by talking about Simon first. The longer I left it, the more I was doubting myself whether it was a good idea to even bring him up. A part of me worried that Dr. Anna would think I was sliding back into old habits.
"So, I had omitted an important part of my story," I started, refusing to meet her eyes.
"Oh?"
With cheeks that felt like they were on fire, I quickly ran down the catalyst for Simon's apology. I had to tell her about Mila Mills; otherwise, the story wouldn't make sense. I mentioned their discussion about Simon and I, and how Brian had been pissed off on my behalf. When I talked about our conversation at my apartment I didn't brush over any details. I wanted Dr. Annato know exactly what Brian said, his tone, his facial expressions, and how I viewed his sincerity. I wanted Dr. Anna to know that I was only bringing this up because I saw something in Brian that led me to consider his plea for another chance carefully.
Dr. Anna remained silent, letting me say my piece without interruption or questions. Her elbow was on her leg, chin planted in her fist as she took in my words. She looked utterly enthralled by my story, and I wondered whether she viewed her clients' issues as soap operas. Goodness knows my issues felt like an episode ofGrey's Anatomy. Minus the medical stuff.
