"So he's in grief therapy. He listened to you."
"Yes, but he made it clear that it was something he knew he needed. His mother-in-law was in therapy and had offered him a number a long time ago."
Dr. Anna nodded thoughtfully. "Am I correct in assuming that you are considering letting him back into your life?'
My breath huffed out in frustrated doubt. "I know you can't tell me what to do, but I just want some indication on whether this is a stupid idea. I didn't tell him no, yes, or maybe, but I promise you I wouldn't be entertaining this unless I saw something in him."
Dr. Anna shifted in her seat, moving the position of her crossed leg to the other one. "So, tell me what you saw in him. What feels different than the last time he apologized?"
"Well, last time, he was a little pushy. He apologized numerous times, and I did believe he was sorry, but I also don't think he addressed the root of his problem."
At Dr. Anna's encouraging nod, I continued. "His problem being that he was still grieving his wife. Something he mentioned to me a couple of times and the reason why he had ended it with me at the restaurant." I shook my head. "Sorry, not ended it on his end. He offered me a sex-only relationshipdespite me telling him previously that wasn't what I was looking for. So I ended it."
"Good," Dr. Anna approved. "What else?"
All thoughts emptied my head for a second. Shit, this felt like the time I stood in front of theMaestrafor my verbal Spanish test at school. I searched my head for the right words.
"This time around, he addressed that he had issues surrounding the death of his wife. He's been in therapy for over a month now, and he told me he enjoys it. He told me he really feels like he's making the steps to better himself."
"And do you believe him?"
"Yes," I immediately confirmed without hesitation, surprising myself. Fuck, Dr. Anna was good. Everything I had rehashed to her was slowly rebuilding Brian's character in my mind, focusing on the positive attributes he was now exhibiting.
Dr. Anna's face remained passive as she quickly scribbled something in her notepad. I wondered if I had passed her test.
"As you know, I can't tell you what to do. I can only guide you with the tools and knowledge that you need to make the decision that you feel is best without compromising the progress you've made so far. I'll let you think on it, but do you have your non-negotiables, and are you willing to stick with them?"
Those I knew like the back of my hand. I counted them off. "I will be upfront with any potential romantic partner I'm looking to date with the outlook of it becoming more. If we don't feel like the chemistry is there, we will end it. I won't enter a physical relationship until he and I agree to be exclusive."
"And what does physical mean to you?"
"Penetrative sex. I'm okay with kissing. I would like to see whether we have physical chemistry, and I can usually tell that by a kiss." My mind immediately drifted to the brief kiss Brian and I had shared. I'd been kissed hundreds of times, and Icouldn't recall a single one that came close to the feeling of Brian's mouth on mine.
"And what else?"
"Communication needs to be open. I can't have him giving me silent treatment for days on end, and that goes for me, too. If he does something I don't like or vice versa, we need to tell each other."
All of this seemed like a no-brainer, but a lot of my relationships turned toxic because I allowed them to get away with behavior that I knew wasn't okay. I also had my own toxic, manipulative traits that mirrored the examples I’d seen from my mom. I used tears, sex, lies, and anger to get my way more times than I cared to admit. I could be needy and used my body to control a man if I knew he wanted to end things or was losing interest. They were cycles I was determined to break in order to make my future relationships—when I was ready—healthy.
I would love if the next person I was physical with turned out to be the love of my life and I was with them forever. But I knew that just because I was healing my trauma, didn't mean I would immediately find my Prince Charming or that our relationship would work out. Healthy was the minimum I aimed for.
"I need to know that I'm important to him and that he values my time." If any of these rules were broken, I would immediately break it off.
I still felt like a kid on training wheels, though. These rules were important to me in theory, but would I feel as strong in my convictions when I was in the throes of an infatuation? Would I still be able to stay strong and apply my rules to my personal life?
Dr. Anna smiled as she placed her pad on the table. Was that a sheen I spied in her eye? "Then, Maria, you have all the tools you need to make an informed decision."
Chapter 32
Brian
Diane:Hi, Brian. I'm so sorry I haven't reached out sooner. There are a lot of feelings that bubbled up since our last meeting. Please know that I love you and support you. I hope to see you again for dinner soon.
When I'd heard my phone ping with a text, my balls had shrunk to my stomach. Maria and I were meeting in forty minutes for the date she'd finally agreed to let me take her on. All week I'd worried that she'd call me up to cancel, finally placing me firmly and permanently in her rearview mirror.
I'd poured my heart out to her that evening in her apartment, so to push it more would've been a major red flag in my box. I didn't need Dr. Grant to tell me that. Plus, I wasn't a hundred percent certain I could call this a date.
When Maria called me back forty-eight hours after I'd pled my case, she only agreed to meet me so we could "test our chemistry and compatibility." She was fucking cute. I didn't need to reassess my feelings for Maria. I was sure as all heck that the burning chemistry that sparkled between us during our brief courtship still brewed just as strongly as ever. It had never left. At least on my end.
