I just can’t say the words out loud.
NINETEEN
Mona
There’sthat moment right before you are fully awake where you either feel like you got a good night’s sleep, or you’re miserable and still tired. That moment defines the rest of your day.
As I stretch under the covers, my lips stretch into a happy smile. This is the best I’ve slept in a long time. I feel fully rested, and like I could take on anything life throws at me.
“Good morning, baby.”
I freeze mid stretch, memories from last night flooding my brain. Alex showed up with dinner, ate me like I was his least meal, then he went to take a shower, leaving me to fall asleep while listening to him pleasuring himself in my shower.
Had I not been as tired as I was, I would’ve helped him with it. But my body felt like it was made out of lead, and my eyes were so heavy, there was no way I could’ve gotten out of bed if the building was on fire.
Now, I turn slowly in bed, only to find him on his side, as handsome as ever, especially with his hair all over the place like this.
“Good morning,” I smile at him.
I guess I should throw a fit that he’s still here, but what would the point be? Despite me still sleeping with him after the most recent breakup, I know exactly where my place in his life is, and I am prepared whenever he walks away again. Because there is no doubt that he will walk away again.
He cups my face with a gentle touch. “What time do you need to be at work?”
Just then, the alarm I have set on my phone goes off. I blindly reach for it to silence it, taking in what time it is.
“I have to leave the apartment no later than six thirty,” I tell him.
His sleepy eyes squint at me in confusion. “Why so early? I thought you didn’t start until nine.”
A bitter taste takes residence in my mouth. I could tell him that I’ve been going in early and leaving late to get more overtime, but talking to him about money has never been on the agenda. He didn’t care how much money I had or didn’t have as long as I didn’t ask him for any.
“My schedule changed,” I now tell him.
Since I can afford to lay in bed for a few more minutes, I do just that. Normally, I’d be scrolling through social media, or, as of late, check theHolidatesapp for any messages from the new guy, Jonathan.
“Are you seeing someone else?” Alex asks from seemingly out of the blue.
My eyes widen in surprise, and a chuckle escapes the back of my throat. It’s like he could sense me thinking about Jonathan. For a split second, I almost feel guilty. Ever since I decided to get on theHolidatesapp, I’ve had this terrible feeling that I wascheating on Alex. I would constantly need to remind myself that you can’t cheat on someone you’re not in a relationship with. Besides, all that was for fake dating, not like I was on there to find love.
“I tried,” I confess to him, even though it’s not the full truth. “But the guy ghosted me.”
Julian Lewis is an asshole, I’ve concluded since our last communication. But it’s good that nothing came out of it. I went back to look at his profile picture, and I decided that he reminds me too much of a much younger Alex. I definitely don’t need to invite that in my life. One of them is plenty.
“Areyouseeing someone else?” I force myself to ask. Honestly, I don’t want to know if he’s moved on from us already. At the same time, Ineedto know.
He stares at me like I surprised him with my question. He should know by now that I don’t have a problem with challenging him back.
“Not now. But I tried. Before.”
His words freeze me in my spot. All the good vibes I was getting when I woke up a few minutes ago are now gone. I try not to react only because I know that he expects it of me.
“A couple of years ago,” he continues.
I open my mouth to ask questions, but I’m not really sure what I even want to ask, or if I even want to know anything. Alex notices my hesitation, and he tries at least to look away in shame.
“It was after one of our breakups. I thought I was ready to go out there and meet someone else who would make me forget about you.”
Pressure gathers in my chest at hearing the words. But at least now I don’t have to feel so much guilt when looking on theHolidatesapp.
