I can’t.
I’m frozen in time.Speechless and numb.
“There’s nothing you have to say?” he laughs humorlessly. “Serena.”
My name is a plea on his lips. But his words go mute the second they leave his mouth, and I retreat further and further into my own fear. He continues, but I hear nothing—as if I’m submerged in water.
And I give him nothing. I stare blankly at him, not registering a word he’s saying. Because I know what’s about to happen.
I’m about to lose another person I love. I already feel the rift taking root. Because even if the test comes back and I’m not pregnant, we won’t come back from this. He will resent me no matter what the results are, no matter what I do. And I already resent me enough for the both of us.
I am not who I was when we met. Grief has ravaged me. And the thought of loving another person so much and then watching them slip away is more than I can handle. He deserves someone whole. I am not that.
Jack is looking at me now, shaking his head, huge tears welling in his eyes. One trembling hand covers his mouth and the other grips his hip tightly. He moves toward me and roughly grabs hold of my head. He presses his cold lips to my skin for five seconds, and I hear him say something that sounds like “goodbye.”
Then he’s out the door, and I’m alone.
In my head, I form a plan.
I’ll have this baby. On my own. I’ll try to piece myself together just enough to be a mother. I won’t trap Jack into a marriage of obligation like my parents. I love him too much to watch us crumble the way they did.
But I have to leave tonight. I pack what I can fit in my car, and I start driving.
And I don’t stop until I run out of road.
* Cue:The Wireby HAIM
* Cue:The Way It Wasby The Killers
25
Jace’s admission keeps me up all night. I am in a daze for the rest of the day, during my history lesson with Zadyn and later at dinner with the entourage. Jace doesn’t show, thank god. I watch my beautiful friends exchange carefree smiles, looking light of burdens while I sit at the table, my heart heavy as stone, keeping dangerous secrets from all of them.
I toss and turn, oscillating between hot and cold, shivering beneath the silk sheets one minute and kicking them to the floor the next. Frustrated and sleep-starved, I throw a floor-length silk robe of the deepest eggplant over my bare shoulders and slip out my door as silently as I can manage.
My heart flips as I take in the tall figure outside my door. For a second, I think it’s Jace, but it’s just Sir Warryn.
“My lady.” He bows his head. “Are you well?”
“Yes.” I pull my robe tighter over my chest, feeling the chill of the hall. “I couldn’t sleep. I thought I might just take a short walk to clear my mind.”
“I would be happy to escort you.”
“No,” I politely decline. “Thank you, but I need to be alone.”
“I was told by the captain to guard you with my life.”
“And you are doing an amazing job,” I compliment. “I don’t see any imminent danger nearby. I’ll stay close. I just need some solitude.”
He looks weary but relents, nodding his head. “I understand. I will be here.” I offer him as much of a smile as I can manage.
My mind drifts back to Jace. Turning his back to me in the training ring and stalking away. Just like Jack did.
I wasn’t pregnant. I got my period the night after the big blowout. But by then, the damage had already been done. I knew I had pushed us past the point of no return.
After my father’s death, I was so broken, so grief-ridden. I had never felt so alone. And even though I knew Jack was doing his best to ease my pain, nothing he did or said or promised would ever be enough. Nothing could fill that void except for time itself.
People say they’re sorry, they send food and flowers. They ask how you’re doing for the first year. But after that, they forget. The grace period is over, and you’re expected to be healed, to be over it. Only those who have lived through a loss like that can truly understand. Jack tried his best, tried more than anyone else in my life to understand, but I pushed him away. I didn’t want to know what it was like to love and lose ever again. After that fight, after I got in my car and drove south, he felt as far away as I did, lost at sea in a storm without a compass. So I buried my love for him where even I couldn’t find it.
