He wasn’t always an addict. I have fond memories of him when I was younger, like when I was six and he took me to an OSU football game. It was our first trip just the two of us, and I remember it vividly because that’s when I learned how to throw a football.
Dad’s downward spiral started around the time I was in fifth grade, rendering those fond memories worthless. Mom and I lived in the hell he created for about five years before we got out.
Lauren gently squeezes my hand in hers as Dad guides us all to his tiny living room. There isn’t enough seating on his lounger and two-person sofa, but he placed a dining room chair next to the couch to account for Aunt Carol. I’ll admit, I admire the thought he put into this. It makes me think maybe he has changed a little.
Noticing there aren’t enough chairs, Dad looks between Lauren and me with a nervous smile. “Who’s this?”
On instinct, I throw my arm in front of Lauren to coverher from the danger of this man, but she tugs on my arm, indicating for me to drop it.
“I’m Lauren, his girlfriend.” She holds out a hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
When he takes her hand, I note a bead of sweat on his brow. “Probably not many good things.”
“Nope.” She crosses her arms.
“I promise I’m not trying to cause any harm.” Dad twists his hands in front of him as he turns to me, silently asking if I’m willing to hear him out now.
I thrust my hand in his direction to indicate the floor is his. “Go ahead.”Let’s get this over with.
Dad’s shoulders drop in relief as we all take a seat. When he exhales, hope fills his eyes. “I know I can’t fix everything I’ve done in the past, but I am trying to get better, and I want you to know it’s because I recognize all the harm I caused you two, the people I love most in the world.”
I tense up, fighting my instincts to argue with him.If we are the ones he loves most in the world, then why were we the ones he hurt?
He must see the question in my eyes because he explains, “I’ve learned we often hurt the ones we love the most because we take them for granted and believe they’ll love us through all of our mess. You two provided me a safe and loving home, and I took advantage of that. I convinced myself that no matter how bad things got, you wouldn’t leave. But eventually you did, and it felt like my life was over. I buried myself further in my gambling, trying to fill a void that could never be filled.”
He sighs, glancing down at the floor and then back up, looking into my eyes. I quickly shift my gaze away, feeling like it’s too much, but he continues. “I’m sorry I took youtwo for granted, and I’m sorry I took my anger and feelings of inadequacy out on y’all instead of acknowledging I had a problem. I should’ve worked to be better.”
At those words, Mom squeezes my hand so tight that my knuckles have turned white, but I don’t say anything to her because I know my hand in hers is what’s keeping her together. This man used to be the love of her life.
“Is that it?” I ask, unable to completely harness the anger still swirling inside of me.
“No. I need to thank you for leaving me. It pushed me to my rock bottom, and I fear if I didn’t hit it, I never would’ve gotten better. I’m thankful you two found safety and people who love and care for you.” He looks from Aunt Carol, who’s sitting in a chair with her arms crossed and eyes narrowed, to Lauren, who’s sitting rod-straight on the arm of the couch instead of the chair Dad got her so she can hold my hand. She looks like she’s ready to pounce at any moment.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t one of those people.” Dad chews on his lip. “It should’ve been me. I don’t expect anything from y’all. I know my mistakes are unforgivable, but maybe you’ll allow me to come see you sometime, to prove to you that I’m dedicated to being better?” He scoots to the edge of his chair, raising his eyebrows.
I glance at Mom as fear inflates in my chest. Her lips are pressed together, and she’s in a daze, like she’s mentally somewhere else, likely trying to make sense of how her life ended up this way because I know that’s what I’ve been doing.
Lauren brings her other hand to me, wrapping herself around my arm, and it reminds me that I’m safe, that I have people who love me. Everything that happened with Dad is in the past, and I am in control now. I get to dictate whetherwe allow him to come back, and if I choose to let him back in, I know I will have the most incredible women by my side.
I squeeze Mom’s hand in a gesture of solidarity, and she gives me the smallest of nods before I turn back to Dad. “Yeah, maybe we can get to that point someday.”
Aunt Carol’s mouth drops, and she gets up from her chair to protest, but Mom reaches out to her, motioning in a way that saysit’s okay. She sits back down, but even when her mouth is closed, it’s evident she’s clenching her jaw. Aunt Carol never liked Dad.
Dad sits up straighter while he presses his lips over his teeth to hide a hopeful smile.
Not liking the hope on his face, I quickly add, “I don’t forgive you for what you’ve done, but I’m man enough to acknowledge what it took for you to admit you were wrong and to ask for help. Thank you for doing that.”
“I’m glad you’re getting the help you need, Rick.” Mom pats his knee, giving him a strained smile. Determination is etched on her face, a sign of her bravery to push through the discomfort because she knows we both need the closure.
Dad nods and reaches a hand out. I stare at it, almost waiting for him to use it for violence, but Lauren gives me a subtle nudge. I take his hand, meeting his gaze as I add, “If you ever step a toe out of line, I will not be forgiving in the future. I have too much at stake now. I’m not going to give all this up for you.”
“I completely understand.” Dad nods like a bobble head. “You’ve built a beautiful life for yourself, surrounded by strong women. Don’t mess it up like I did.”
“I won’t,” I snap just as the women around me chime in with, “He won’t.” It brings a warmth to my chest and releases an immense weight from my shoulders.I’m not mydad.I protect my family. I make mistakes, but it doesn’t take a stint in jail to get me to own up to them and try to be better.
“Would you like to stay for dinner?” I think Dad knows the answer to the question before he even asks it because there’s no spark in his eyes.
“No, we need to head back.”
