“Did he give you a way to get in contact with him? I’d like to hear him apologize, and I’d love it if you would be by my side through it.”
“He did, but I don’t?—”
“Don’t do it for him. Do it for yourself. Having him pop up in your life again has been causing you a lot of pain, hasn’t it?”
I nod. “I’ve been having nightmares again, and this time they’re worse. Everyone I love is there now, not just you, and I still can’t do anything to protect y’all.”
“Don’t you want to move past that?”
“I do, but how do I know hearing his apology will help?” I adjust my grip on the railing as thunder claps in the distance. “I don’t think I’d even believe him.”
“You won’t know until you try.”
I toss my head back. “Why do you have to be right?”
“It’s a perk of being a mom.” She smirks. “Have you told Lauren about all of this?”
I whip my head toward her. “What?”
“You two are an item, aren’t you?”
“How did you know?”
She tosses a hand. “I could see the way you looked at her on Thanksgiving, and I swear you could’ve cut the tension with a knife at the bake-off. I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you.” I nudge her with my shoulder, and she forces me into a hug. It’s a relief to have this secret out in the open.
I draw back. “She knows about the letter, but I didn’t tell her about dad showing up. She’s had a lot going on with her own dad, and I didn’t want to burden her until I figured this out on my own.”
“Jax, did you push that poor girl away?”
“It was for her own good. I was going to tell her eventually.”
She swats me. “That was not for her own good. That was foryouandyourselfish reasons. You’re trying to be the hero, but all you’re doing is hurting the people you love.”
I wince as an image of Lauren’s face flashes through my mind. She looked so defeated when I told her my dream was nothing for her to worry about.
“What else was I supposed to do? Iloveher, Mom. I just want what’s best for her.”
“If you love her, then you need to be honest with her. You don’t push her away with the lame excuse that it’s the noble thing to do. That only breaks both your hearts, which doesn’t do you any good.”
I cover my face in my hands. “I screwed up. I screwed up so badly.” I glance at Mom. “What do I do?”
“You have to move past your fear of not being good enough. Pushing her away is just as bad as not showing up for her in the way she needs.”
“But Lauren deserves the world, and I’ve never even been in a real relationship before. I did you such a disservice growing up by not standing up for you and?—”
“No, you didn’t. Remember, we just established it wasn’t your job?” She gives me a pointed look. “If you hadn’t let me sort through that situation on my own, I never would’ve realized I deserved better. You allowed me to spread my wings and find safety. You gave me confidence in my decision to leave so I wouldn’t always wonder ‘what if.’ By standing back, you gave me the greatest gift of all, the chance to grow on my own.”
It’s as if those words are exactly what I needed to hear all my life. The knife in my chest is magically removed after years of constantly digging in and twisting. The scars I’ve carried heal.
“I hope you’re not just saying that.”
“No, I wouldn’t do that to you. I meant every word.”
I bite my lip, trying to contain the immense emotions swirling inside of me. “I love you, Mom.”
“I love you too, honey.”She wraps me in a hug.
