“I am not. You like me, remember?”
“I do, but I can’t remember why.”
I pull her toward me, pressing my lips to hers. “Does that help you remember?”
“Maybe a little.” She bites her lip. “Can I please do your skincare? I think it’ll help me wind down more before bed.”
“Fine.” I get up and shuffle toward the bathroom. “Just for you.”
“Don’t look so happy,” she calls after me, her voice dripping in sarcasm. “I’ll have you know, my routine is the best in all of Texas—heck, in all of the country. You’ve told me that before.”
“And you won’t let me forget it.”
Again, that chime of laughter brings the smallest flutter of joy back into my blackening heart.
The slam of the front door sends me upright. I immediately know what it means. He lost again. He’s been drinking.
I lie in bed, holding my breath, hoping Dad will gostraight to bed and sleep it off. But seconds after the door across the hall creaks open, I hear murmuring. It grows louder and louder until it’s full-blown shouting.
I storm out of my room and into my parents’ bedroom. He’s not going to lay a hand on her. I’m stronger now. Except when I reach the doorway, I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror over the dresser. I’m not six-foot-four-Jax. I’m scrawny-freshman-Jax. I’m too-weak-to-stand-up-to-his-father-Jax.I’m good-for-nothing-but-standing-frozen-Jax.
Just like that, all the old fear floods back into me. I have no grasp on my own strength, only my weaknesses.
“You were never enough to protect her,” Dad snarls. “And you’re about to fail again.”
He lifts his fist up, ready to strike, and it’s then that I realize it’s not just Mom cowering below him. Lauren is there too. And Aunt Carol. All of their faces are painted with fear as he—I wake up, gasping for air as I scuttle off the bed. My side of the mattress is drenched in sweat, and my skin is sticky. My vision blurs with tears as I try to separate my dream from reality. Breathing feels like the hardest thing in the world to do.
He’s going to come back. He hasn’t changed. He’s going to hurt her again. I should’ve put a stop to this. I shouldn’t have let him leave like that. I know I can’t take chances with Dad. I shouldn’t be sitting around waiting for something to happen.Except that’s exactly what I’ve been doing, just like I sat by complacently when I was younger.
I move toward the door, and it feels like I’m floating. I still don’t feel in control of my own body.
Hands grab hold of me, and a faraway voice cries out. “Jax! Jax! What are you doing?”
I swirl around, ready to throw my fistsinto Dad’s face, but a shriek of fear sharpens my senses. My gaze settles on a wide pair of hazel eyes, my favorite eyes in the whole world.
I drop my fist and let out a sigh of relief, dragging Lauren into my chest. My heart squeezes tight knowing she’s here with me.
“I’m so sorry,” I mutter.
“What’s wrong? What happened?” Her voice is soft as she pulls me into her arms, lightly scratching my back.
We sit there for a while, and her gentle comfort almost brings my walls crashing down. I come so close to telling her what’s been eating at me for the past few days, but when I look into her eyes, I see something in them that looks an awful lot like pain. It’s like it breaks her heart to see me come undone like this, and seeing that look reminds me I’m supposed to put light in her eyes, not snuff it out by telling her just how far I’ve unraveled.
This isn’t the time. I need to prove I’ve grown from the man I was at fifteen. The better version of me would protect not just my mom, but Lauren too. She’s already going through a hard time. I can’t add to that.
“I had a bad dream.” I kiss her cheek, doing my best to plaster on my least Joker-like smile, but my hands are still shaking. “It was nothing.”
“You were yelling and crying.”
“It was just one of those dreams where I couldn’t run. You know, the ones where it feels like you’re trying to move through molasses? It was nothing. I’m okay now.”
She gives me a look that makes it abundantly clear she doesn’t believe me. Pulling me back into her arms, she whispers, “You know you can tell me anything right? I’m here for you. Your challenges are my challenges and vice versa. We’re in this together now.”
She meets my gaze, fear in her eyes. “I know you saidyou needed space to process things, but you’re having nightmares. I can’t help you through this if you don’t tell me what’s going on.”
I wipe my hands over my face. “I can’t tell you.”
“Why not?” She scoots closer to me, drawing slow circles on my back.
