“I work for you so I’m at your disposal.” I tried to keep my voice neutral but I sounded cold even to myself. I refused to look at him but I could hear him shuffling his feet as though he was uncomfortable.
Good.
“You’re still a fucking human being with free will. I can understand if you don’t feel like dealing with me and my shitafter what went down.” He was tap-dancing around an apology but that was still some bullshit. Like he wanted me to fill in the blanks of his remorse and I might be a doormat with some things, but not my damn respect.
Instead of doing the emotional labor for him I simply shrugged. My shoulders and attempted to sound as unbothered as possible. “It’s not my place to judge you so forget it happened. I overstepped and it won’t happen again.”
He chuckled softly behind me and I had to battle turning to look at him. “That didn’t sound like an apology.”
My brows rose and I was staring at Ami as her head bobbed again because he really had me fucked up. “An apology is only for when you feel sorry for something you said or did, I don’t.”
“Damn is it like that?”
“I don’t lie. I tried to help but you didn’t appreciate it. That I’m sorry for.” And I meant that shit. It was clear that he needed help that was far outside anything my friendship would be able to provide him. Since I’d already spent my hard-earned money in therapy for years, he could damn sure do the work on himself.
He walked closer to me his steps stopping a few feet away. Stubbornly, I kept my eyes on Ami. “Nah, I’m the one who’s sorry. I didn’t need to come at you like that because I have heavy stuff going on. You have been a lifesaver, and my mama and Billy would beat my ass for how I spoke to you yesterday. I would never call you out of your name in my right mind but that’s still no excuse. I’m so sorry, Sterling. There isn’t anything I can do to undo the damage but I promise I’ll try.”
“I’m not the person who really needs you to do better, Aldrich.” He wasn’t about to soften me up with his words no matter how much I appreciated them. Wasn’t gonna change the hurt but at least he was owning up to it.
“I feel you and I’m working on it I promise.” Aldrich’s voice was heavy and he sighed after he got done speaking. My heart clenched but I wasn’t about to give him any leeway.
“Okay.”
“I can’t even get you to look at me?” I knew manipulation and his voice had genuine hurt in it but there wasn’t anything I was going to do to help him. He needed to figure that out on his own.
“Your daughter needs my attention more than you need me to look at you to lessen your guilt.”
He sighed again and despite him not liking my response I hoped he was going to drop the issue. “That’s some real shit. I didn’t want to hold you up but I am sorry and I’m taking that advice you gave me to heart.”
“Good. It can only make things better for you and her in the long run.” Ami was cooing toward him and she lifted her head up at him and smiled. “Look at her!” Aldrich finally walked over into my line of sight and rubbed her back with a grin on his face. His hair was damp and brushed back into a ponytail off of his face. The team workout gear he always wore was again on his frame and he looked good as hell with his cutoff shirt on and his massive tattooed arms on display.
Girl, focus.
“You speak the truth. I won’t hold you, though. I just didn’t want shit between us to be awkward and let that linger. You deserve better than that.” Aldrich kept one hand braced on Ami and I couldn’t tell if it was support for him or for her. His eyes looked remorseful and I hated that he was going through so many changes but I couldn’t be the one he used to exorcise his demons. That would only destroy the working relationship we had and create a hostile work environment.
I could only give him a small smile and saw the pain that still lingered in his eyes. He looked tired and I wasn’t sure where he was going today, but I prayed he wouldn’t do anything stupid.
“Thank you for that. Take care of yourself.”
ALDRICH
SOMETHING HAD TO give because I couldn’t do this.
I’d lain up for hours after yelling at Sterling for multiple reasons. The first being that I was damn near afraid to go to sleep again. I felt unsafe in my home despite this place not being where the shit that happened. In my dream, I’d been running, doing what I normally did and then suddenly I was tackled, held down and unable to move as I struggled to get up. But then it wasn’t a bunch of players on me like I was used to. It was this unseen suffocating weight that wouldn’t let me go and I couldn’t battle it. I tried to free myself but then I felt hands all over me. The shit had me wanting to scream out but then I felt like I was being lifted by another hand out of my dream and I could open my eyes.
And that’s when I saw Sterling.
And then I completely screwed up.
I was rude to her, disrespectful, something she didn’t deserve since she was the only reason I’d been able to get out of the dream. I’d been covered in sweat, completely vulnerable but was embarrassed that she’d seen me like that.
That anyone had.
I couldn’t believe my grown ass was having nightmares now. I was sure that the confrontation atGrass Fedwas the issue but damn; I was being triggered now? Falling back into a memory that almost felt implanted into my head since I had no physical recollection but it didn’t make me feel any less vulnerable. Helpless. That feeling of helplessness was something I wasn’tsure I’d ever be able to shake. With all the changes I had going on in my life, I hadn’t been able to prioritize my daughter or myself. The two people I needed to keep at the forefront were both falling behind. And it seemed like it was going to stay that way out of my control.
My life hadn’t been simple or easy to this point but I’d handled it. Came out of it in a position that most people only dreamed of. Losing my father was something that shook my foundation but with the love of our family we could continue to live. We would never get over his loss, but the pain was something that had dulled. I still missed my dude like crazy but I felt like I’d coped.
But this right here? It was a burden that I couldn’t share. Couldn’t shake. A secret shame that was forcing my silence that enabled my name to be slandered in every social media post thatAthlete Dirtcould come up with. I was the hottest topic in the football world right now next to my teammate and his new girl and I hated this shit for both of us. Nobody focused on our game, they focused on our personal lives. Had me thinking of hiring security for Sterling whenever she went out because I was stressed she was going to have Ami with her one day and get mobbed by people trying to get a picture of her.
