Fuck, Sterling.
I needed to figure out something to say I was sorry. I was completely out of hand for how I handled her especially since she wasn’t clued in to what was up with me or why I was acting out. And when she’d told me about myself I didn’t bother to deny anything she’d said because she’d been right. If I kept on I was going to fail the one person who didn’t have anyone else but me in her life: Ami.
I’d driven around half the day with no clear destination before I ended up in a spot that I thought would help me soothe over how I’d fucked up. Now I was easing back into my houseapprehensive as fuck because I wasn’t sure how it was going to be received.
I was home earlier than normal and I wasn’t sure how I was going to interrupt the flow of Ami and Sterling’s day but I didn’t want hurt feelings to linger. I knew I had more than this I needed to do, but I wanted her to see clearly that I wasn’t the man that she’d met when she first got here or the one from last night. But I knew I’d lost major ground with her and with my baby.
I couldn’t even say why I was so pressed about it. I couldn’t put a name on what it was I wanted from Sterling but I wanted, no needed, her to stick around. And it wasn’t just for Ami’s sake, although when it came down to it that was a major factor.
My phone rang as I was sitting in the car in the driveway and I was hoping it was Ling telling me to come in the house but it was the next best thing.
“What’s up, Sonya?” I connected the call through my phone because I didn’t want someone to come out and hear what we were talking about.
“I will get on a plane and just beat your ass like that time you broke my favorite perfume, Aldrich.”
I had to catch myself from rolling my eyes because she had the nerve to use my whole name so I knew she meant business. “Not you calling me that whole name too.”
“Too? Who out there calling you by your name like that?”
“The nanny.”
“You don’t call that girl that. You call her by her damn name not her fucking title. How would you feel if I called your ass running back? I’m glad I already got our damn tickets to come out and see our grandbaby so that I can make sure you're acting the right way with Sterling.”
“Ma, how you over here taking up for her like that?” I settled back in my seat and got comfortable because once my mama started preaching it was gone be a minute.
“Because I have sense, Aldrich. You over here calling her the damn nanny like she’s not the primary caregiver for my grandbaby. That girl has all of my respect and you need to make sure she has everything she needs to do her job.”
I looked at the phone cause it sounded like she’d been on the phone with Sterling without me. “Ma, you been calling Ling beyond my back?”
“Boy, I ain’t got to sneak and do a damn thing. I call her because I want to see the baby and we talk. That girl’s heart is so gentle it comes through over the phone. The biggest thing is that she is alone with a baby often. I know how that is having been in the same spot with you, but she’s in a completely different city than the one she grew up in. You need to make sure that you are providing her with time to herself.”
I shifted in the leather seat because she wasn’t wrong and I felt like shit having to have it pointed out to me. Sterling had been with Ami the entire time, even in the room with me when I had her. I had been using her like a crutch and I felt fucked up that I’d left this girl to her own devices when I was technically responsible for her. I didn’t even know if she was getting the right number of bathroom breaks and shit and I was sure there was something in that contract about that. I hadn’t read it at all because at the time my head was nowhere near the right space to keep any of that information. First thing I've gotta correct.
“I hear you, Mama.”
I glanced out the window of the truck and looked at the garage door I’d yet to open. I didn’t want to give the impression that I wasn’t coming inside, but I was trying to gather my strength to do what I needed to and apologize again. But somehow I felt like it was the wrong move. But I didn’t have a backup.
“I’m glad you do. Now, go inside.”
I laughed because she knew me too well. When I didn’t want to deal with something I would sit in the car and think my problems out. The little car I had in high school became my haven and damn near like my second room after my pops died. Sometimes she’d find me out there and we’d just sit in the car in silence. I knew it was her way of letting me know she was there if I needed her, despite me knowing she was falling apart inside too.
“I’m going. And I’m going to fix it. You know stuff ain’t been how I wanted it, but I’m working on it, mama.” I must’ve sighed a little too deeply because when she spoke she couldn’t hide the concern in her voice.
“Mijo, tell me what’s going on. I know you. I’ve seen you with your siblings, that sigh was more than parental fatigue. "Is all the media stuff getting to you?” My mother being in the medical field meant that she wasn’t one of those parents who just wanted you to pray away your worries. She would be in the paint talking to us about how we were feeling and helping us work through shit instead of going straight to punishing us for having unregulated emotions. Since she knew me so well, Sonya Dinero was the one person I couldn’t lie to. Even if I tried she’d know I was full of shit.
“It’s a lot, Mama. It’s just…a lot. It’s heavy. With the way you and Dad raised us, I never thought I would be in this spot. It’s messing with me.” That was as much truth as I could give her without breaking her heart. Without her hopping a flight and getting charged with desecrating a grave and abuse of a corpse.
She exhaled and I was sure she was trying to find the words to make this better, there just weren’t any. “I can’t imagine what you’re going through,mijo. This situation is foreign for all of us but you’re the only one suffering because of it. Do you have someone to talk to? Doesn’t the team have a doctor?”
“I’ve had a couple sessions with him already, ma.” More times than I could admit, I went to Doc before I even went to train. If I was in the facility I was going to see him at least once a week. He would have me work through my emotions verbally and then whatever feelings that work brought up I would work out physically. I wasn’t sure if that was a good or bad way to handle it, but it kept me fairly level-headed. At least so far.
“I’m proud of you, Aldrich. Life threw so much at you and despite feeling out of control you’ve been taking the steps you need to in order to ensure everyone is looked after. And I’m glad you’re also including you in that even in a small way. Your dad would be proud.”
She knew what to say to give me the battery in my back to hold my head up. I was never a man afraid to show emotions. My pops always told me there was always a reason to smile and God gave us emotions with names so why not show them? He instilled in me being able to put voice to how I was feeling so I didn’t turn out to be a man that just went straight to anger because it was the only safe emotion men could feel. Her words had me fighting back tears because if they started I wouldn’t stop for a minute.
“I appreciate hearing that, Ma. When I pray tonight I’ll have to ask him if you’re right just to get confirmation.”
“You think your daddy is gonna disagree with me even in death? Pfft, you’re not the only one that talks to him and ghost or not I will cuss him clean out.”
