“Connor,” Tyler barked as gently as he could, “she didn’t want you to carry that weight. Shewrote it, man. It wasn’t your fault.”
“But I was supposed to be her light. And she still-” My voice broke off. “She still left.”
A heavy silence settled over the both of us. Not empty, but full. With grief. With love. With everything I had locked away for too many years.
“Every word… I can still hear her voice. Like she’s right here.”
“Sheis, in a way.”
I looked up, eyes glossy, looking at the ceiling like I was trying to see through it and find an answer somewhere else. “She told me to keep going. Keep loving.Especially when it hurts.She knew I’d shut down. That I’d run.”
“Sounds like she knew you pretty well.”
“Yeah,” I nodded. “She did. I’ve been… pushing people away for so long. I thought I was protecting myself. But really, I think I was punishing myself. Like if I moved on, it meant I was leaving her behind. Like loving someone else would erase her. If I failed her, I could fail anyone.”
Tyler’s voice came through the phone like something solid to grab onto. Always the one to speak calmly to us all. He was likeour mother in that way. Taking care of everyone else. “Connor… love doesn’t erase. Itadds. Loving someone new doesn’t mean you stop loving her. It just means you’re letting your heart breathe again.”
I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand. “I want to stop running. I want to stop being afraid of loving someone just because I might lose them.”
“Then start here,” Tyler answered. “Start with this. You did the hardest thing tonight, Con. You opened that letter. You faced it.”
“I don’t know what to do now.”
“You don’t need to know everything yet. Just the next step.”
I stared down at Clair’s letter one more time, brushing a thumb over the final line:I loved you more than I ever had the words for.
“I think… I’m going to let Emma in.” I said suddenly.
Tyler smiled, the sound of it clear even through the phone. “I think she’d like that.”
I let out a quiet breath. The first honest one in years. “Thanks, Ty. For being here.”
“Always, little brother.”
And in that moment, with the letter folded neatly in my lap and someone else knowing, I didn’t feel quite so lost anymore. The weight wasn’t gone. It might never be, but it wasn’t all mine anymore. And that made all the difference.
* * *
I slipped back into bed, Emma snoring so quietly you really had to listen to hear it. Her breathing was so even, so calm. Like she didn’t have the day she had. Everything was fine… she was okay. But no matter how many times I told myself, I couldn’t believe it. I reached for her phone on the nightstand, the soft glow of herscreen lighting up the room. I needed proof that she was okay. I knew her Dexcom was synced to her phone. I also knew it made a loud sound when her sugar was too high or low, but I wasn’t in the room. I could have missed it. If she wasn’t okay, she would tell me she was fine still, but I knew that ‘I’m fine’ didn’t always mean that.
I’d been living with a silent ghost in my chest for years. That damn letter was still echoing in my head, and yeah, maybe I was spiraling.Again.
I had a small idea what her passcode was after watching her punch it in earlier. Trying a code, her phone immediately unlocked. Her birthday backward, something I probably shouldn’t know but do anyway. I opened up her Dexcom app, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath before looking. Blood sugar: 97.
I exhaled, shaking out my shoulders as the tension in my chest finally loosened its grip. She was okay.
“Connor?” Her voice was groggy, rough from sleep, but laced with curiosity. Not panic. Just… confusion.
I froze. She had caught me, and she was going to think I was fucking insane. Maybe I was. “Hey,” I blinked, trying to soften my expression as I turned to look at her. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”
She rubbed her eyes, sitting up slowly. “Were you… checking my Dexcom?”
“I-” Fuck. I looked down at her phone in my hand. “Yeah.”
She yawned, eyes still adjusting. “Why didn’t you just wake me up and ask?”
I hesitated. I could lie. Brush it off. Make a joke. But she deserved the truth. Becausethiswasn’t just about numbers. This was about fear. And love. And a past that had finally been cracked open. A future where I don’t run anymore. Even if that isn’t with Emma.
