“No. It’s been years, and it’s still sealed. I just… I’ve been scared, Ty. Scared it would say it was my fault. Scared to know that she was hurting and I missed it. Or worse… that she loved me and it still wasn’t enough to make her stay. I didn’t notice. I didn’t save her.”
“Connor,” Tyler said, firm but gentle. “That letter isn’t about blame. It’s a piece of her, the last one she left behind. Maybe it’s not clean or easy or comforting, but it’shers. And I think she gave it to you for a reason.”
“I keep thinking if I read it, something will break in me,” I whispered.
“Maybe it will,” Tyler agreed. “But maybe that’s what has to happen for something better to grow in its place.”
I felt the tears building behind my eyes, my jaw tightening as I tried to hold them back. I knew he was talking about Emma without coming straight out and saying it.
“I think I’ve been running from love ever since,” I admitted. “I didn’t even realize it, but every time someone got close, I pulled away. Because if she could leave, anyone could. And if I didn’t let anyone in… they couldn’t hurt me like that again. It’swhy I notice everything. Why I was so fucking concerned about Emma and mad at her for not telling me about her sugar.”
“But they also can’tloveyou, either,” he reminded me. “You don’t have to keep punishing yourself for something you didn’t do.”
I didn’t answer right away. My throat was tight. My chest hurt in that deep, buried kind of way that only surfaced when the pain became too much, and then I wondered if Clair felt this same pain that night while I was packing and imagining a future with her.
“Will you stay on the phone with me?” I asked.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
I put my phone on speaker, setting it down and grabbing the letter. My hands shook, but this time… I didn’t stop.
I slid my finger under the flap. And finally opened it.
Dear Connor,
I don’t really know how to start this. Maybe because I don’t want to. Maybe because if I do, it means it’s real, and I’ve already spent so much time pretending I’m okay that writing the truth feels like betrayal.
If you’re reading this, it means the monster won. I guess I should have told you years ago that I have depression. I hid it from you and lied to you. All those times you asked if I was okay, and I always said yes.
I wasn’t. I wasn’t okay in the slightest, but you made things better. Who knew that someone I met when I was ten for a school project would be the man I give my heart, soul, and mind to? Every time I said I loved you, it wasn’t a lie. The feelings I had for you weren’t a lie. I wanted to meet you. God, I did so badly. But tonight, the monster is winning. I keep telling myself to hold off, but the more I think about it, the more it seems like I’m relying on you to make me happy, and that isn’t fair to you. You don’t deserve a girl like me.
The truth is… I’m tired. Not the kind of tired that sleep fixes. It’s the kind of tired that’s deep in your bones. The kind that makes it hard to breathe, to smile, to even get out of bed. You’ve noticed it, haven’t you? In the way I go quiet. In the way I forget things you say to me. I was trying so hard to stay here for you. I swear I was.
You were always the light in my darkness, but even light can feel far away when the shadows are this thick. It’s not your fault. Please don’t ever think it is. If anything, you’re the reason I lasted this long. Your love was the rope I held onto when I was dangling over the edge. Every text, call, and even letter was the reason I was able to make it this long.
But I think I’ve gone too far this time.
I don’t want you to remember me like this. Because even through the depression, I was more than a broken and fading person. I want you to remember the way I laughed at the dumbest jokes, the way we fell asleep together every night on the phone, and the way I looked at you like you were the only real thing in this world. Because you were.
If there’s a world beyond this one, I hope I find peace there. And I hope you find healing here. I need you to keep living. Keep breathing. Keep loving, even if it hurts. Especially when it hurts. Because to be loved by Connor Easton is like living a million happy lives in one day.
Don’t come looking for me. Just look up at the sky sometimes, and know that I loved you more than I ever had the words for.
I’m sorry.
Love always, Clair.
My hands trembled. The letter rested in my lap, Clair’s words still echoing in my mind like they’d been carved into the hollow spaces of my heart that she had left. My throat felt raw. Mychest ached in places I didn’t know could ache. I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t even think.
On the other end of the line, Tyler didn’t say a word. Just… waited.
When I finally did breathe again, it was like it was the first breath I’d taken since the day she died.
“She was tired.” I blinked, my voice cracking.
“I know,” Tyler answered softly.
“She was hurting… and I didn’t see it. Or I did, but I didn’treallysee it. She was so good at hiding it. I should’ve known. Ishould’ve known.”
