There was something in those words that made me flinch, that still makes me flinch. It was as if he was throwing my own words back at me.
I feel like I should say something about it, but I don’t know what.
I finish with Kieran’s tie, but my hand lingers on the end of it. Kieran raises a hand and touches my cheek with his thumb. “You free this afternoon?”
I sink into his touch. “Mm,” I reply. Then I tug on his tie to bring his face close so I can kiss him.
He tastes like toothpaste and smells like sandalwood shampoo. Our kiss is quick and hot and I decide I don’t need to worry about the unsaid problems between us. I don’t need to overthink what he said about the box of clothes, that I’ve resented him so long for living with Senior, the way he flungpoor, public school kidat me.
All I need to worry about is kisses like these. All I need to worry about is what happens when we’re alone.
We pull away, and Kieran licks his lips, and I fight the urge to pull him close again. “See you tonight,” I tell him, before turning around and leaving the bathroom.
As I step out into the sun, relief floods my body, the type of relief that turns your body light when you decide you won’t care about something.
*
Weeks pass and it’s the middle of term. All things considered, I should be more stressed. I have countless assignments and tests piling up, and usually I’d be freaking out and making frantic to-do-lists. I even had a test last week that didn’t go as well as I wanted, and that should depress me, but I feel normal. No, better than that. I feel kind ofhappy.
“You’re acting weird,” Hudson says, flicking a scrap piece of paper at me from across the table.
I move it out of the way, and keep answering practice questions in my notes, leaning against my chair. The four of us — Hudson, Aiden, Fin and me — are sitting at a table in the library, like many other Year 12s during lunchtime. We’re all studying. Correction: we’re meant to be studying, but Hudson’s flicking paper around and trying to start a conversation, and Fin’s on his phone. I can’t remember the last time I saw Fin open a textbook.
“No, I’m not,” I say, typing a function into my calculator.
“Yeah, you are,” Hudson says, his tone emphatic enough to make Aiden and Fin look up from whatever they’re doing and pay attention. “Don’t you think so, guys? Jasper’s not running around like a headless chicken, the way he has all of all Year 12.”
“Fuck off,” I say without any venom.
Fin looks up from his phone and appraises me. “I bet I know why he’s so calm.”
“Yeah, why?” Hudson asks.
Fin’s lip curls. “He’s getting laid.”
Aiden looks up. “Jasper? No way.”
“Ouch,” I say.
Something in my tone must give me away because Hudson’s jaw drops. “Wait, is he right?” he asks.
“No,” I say, even though saying yes would make me sound cooler. “Why would you think that, anyway?”
“You’ve got that chilled out look about you,” Fin says, waving a finger at me. “You know what they say, fucking relieves stress and all.”
“Damn, Jasper’s getting pussy,” Aiden stage-whispers. “Who is she? Someone we know?”
“Shut up,” I hiss. “And no. You wouldn’t know her.” I wonder how they’d react if I saidhim. Aiden would be cool with it — he’s been friendly as ever with Curtis, even after Curtis came out. I bet Hudson would be indifferent. As for Fin…I’m not sure about him.
“Well,” Aiden says. “I’m glad you’re not annoying the way you usually are.”
I flick the paper ball at him half-heartedly, then return my gaze back to my practice questions. Hudson tries to start a conversation with Aiden about a girl from a party, but Aiden says that he’s busy trying to study, and Hudson whines like a kid. I tune their voices out.
“Look boys, it’s our friend,” Fin says after a minute, nodding at someone behind me.
I know who it is without turning around. I’ve gotten used to the sound of his steps, the particular weight and pace. I keep my eyes on my work, staring so hard the letters go blurry.
“Phillips,” Fin calls. “Hey, I’m talking to you.” He’s loud enough to annoy the people sitting at nearby tables, and I can imagine Kieran’s expression. He’ll walk over, just to get Fin to shut up.
