“Are you hungry?”
Charlie nodded, and I opened the fridge. Someone had gotten groceries for us. The shelves were filled with organic milk, leafy vegetables, yogurt in glass jars, and European butter. I was guessing Annie had taken the shopping detail. I pulled things out, deciding that grilled cheese would be fine. There was a loaf of crusty bread on the counter.
“Where is everyone?” I asked him.
“They all went home. Tara said to tell you to call her if you need her. And she would see us at ten tomorrow.”
The funeral.
“Is Luke going to stay?” he asked.
“I think so. Is that ok with you?”
He nodded. “He’s nice.”
“Yeah.”
As I finished the sandwiches, Luke came in from the living room. He ran his head over Charlie’s hair, squeezed my shoulder, and sat at the table. “What are you making?”
“Grilled cheese. It’s my specialty.”
“She doesn’t like to cook,” Charlie said. “But she is good at other things, like driving. But your sister Annie—”
“Here’s dinner!” I said, cutting him off.
We sat at the table, subdued and quiet, but like normal people. Like a normal family.
∞
On the day of the funeral Mass, everything was unreal to me. I couldn’t seem to believe that it was all actually happening, but I went through the motions. I got dressed in the clothes that Annie had bought: the softest sweater I had ever worn, cashmere, and a grey plaid skirt that draped and pleated around me. She had even bought me tights and boots. They were the nicest clothes I had ever had, in my whole life. I drank coffee. I put away the clean dishes and made breakfast for Charlie. Part of me seemed to be watching from a distance, waiting for the charade of normality to come to an end.
Charlie got dressed in grey pants and a white shirt, and a black V neck sweater. He carried his purple tie down, but I put the nix on that. “Let’s save it for another time.”
Charlie and I had slept in the double bed the night before with him cuddling me and Danny Bob like crazy. His nightmares hadn’t let up. Luke had taken Charlie’s twin bed, with his feet hanging off the end. I hadn’t gotten much sleep, but I felt so much less turbulent since Luke had come. He was so steady, and everything else was running in my head like a tornado.He had gone home to change and then came back to drive us to the church for the service. It was the same church that Loretta had always attended and where we had held her funeral as well.
The priest spoke and the Mass began. I tried to listen but my mind was not in the church, not at that moment. I stood up, and sat down, and repeated words. When we stood to take Communion my legs went out and Luke and Tara held me up on either side. “I’m ok,” I told them. “I’ve got it.” I was fine.
The burial was terrible. I was holding Charlie tightly to me, and he hid his face on Danny Bob. We went back to Nana’s and people came there also. People that Cassie had known in high school and grade school, people who had loved her and hated her too. Neil and Ellis and other swim team families. Coach Charlotte. Roy was there, wearing black jeans and black cowboy boots to match. George Whitaker came with Annie, who helped him up the wobbly front steps along with Luke. He sat next to me on the uncomfortable couch, but neither of us spoke. People ate and drank and talked. Mike didn’t make it.
When it was all over the three of us went back to Luke’s house. I fell asleep briefly in the car on the way there and woke up to Luke and Charlie deciding where Charlie would sleep.
“What if we brought a mattress into my bedroom for you?” Luke suggested. “You and my friend Danny Bob. Emmy can take the bed but you’d be right next to her. I think you might both sleep better with a little more room.”
“That sounds good,” Charlie agreed. “She’ll be close, right?”
“Very.”
Both Charlie and I said that we didn’t want any dinner, but Luke made burgers and Charlie ended up eating like a fiend, cleaning his plate and asking for more. I pretended to eat whenever Luke looked over at me; the thought of food was a little nauseating at the moment. He wouldn’t let me clean up the kitchen, so I helped Charlie set himself up with Danny Bob on the mattress that Luke had put on the floor next to the big bed. Finally I went to lie down, in the soft sheets, with the pillows, and the mattress that didn’t have lumps. Charlie’s whistled breathing sounded quietly up from the mattress on the floor. Luke came in and sat on the edge of the bed. He leaned over me, brushing my hair from my face. “I’m worried about you,” he told me softly.
“I’m fine.”
“I don’t think you are.”
“I’m just tired,” I explained. “It’s hard with Cassie’s chemo keeping her awake. She gets so sick with it. And Mike—she won’t talk to me about him, but I know he breaks her heart. She has to pretend with him, all the time. It’s exhausting for her.”
Luke was playing with my hair, and it reminded me. “She wants to shave her head. She asked if I would do it too, and I will, if she really wants me to. Would you be upset?”
Luke shook his head no. I thought some more. “Does Milos want his car back?”
