Tara came running in and I realized that I had been yelling. “Nothing happened to him!” Annie told me. “Nothing! I’m just upset for you.”
I stared at her and shook my head. “You shouldn’t worry. She was going to die anyway.” Both Tara and Annie stood with their mouths open. I couldn’t control what I was saying. “Thank you for the clothes, Annie. I’m going outside.”
I sat in the moon garden. Charlie came out to join me. “Was the outfit ok?” I asked him.
“Yes.It’s fancy.”
I thought that he would wear those clothes, then never want to see them again. I remembered the jar of cinnamon candies in the billing specialist’s office at the hospital. The thought of them now made me want to throw up. Funny how circumstances could poison everyday things.
“Want to see my fort?” Charlie asked suddenly.
“Sure.” I stood up creakily. My joints hurt and I felt so tired it was hard to move. When had I been to sleep last? I thought back to Luke’s bed, how comfortable and safe I had felt. I had an almost physical urge to get back to Luke’s house and crawl into that bed again.
Charlie took my hand and led me behind the maple tree. “This is where you’ve been building?” The pile of lumber from the garage had turned into a lean-to shed attached to the tree.
“I don’t think we can both fit in,” he told me. “And you’re too tall.” I squatted down and looked in the fort. He had a collection of motorcycle parts from the garage. “I’m working on building a car for you,” he told me. “I got a book on combustion engines from the library and I think I can do it so you have your own car.”
I felt a pain shoot across my chest, and rubbed my hand against my breastbone. “You know what? That’s the nicest thing I’ve ever heard.”
He smiled at me, a little smile that went away quickly.
“I love you, pal. I love you so much.” My chest hurt me.
“I love you, Emmy. You’re my best sweat pea.”
“You’remybest sweet pea,” I told him. “You remember that you’re stuck with me for life, right?” I rubbed his back. “We have this, ok, Charlie?”
He nodded, then his face split into a huge yawn. “Why don’t you take a little nap, pal?” Lord knew neither of us had slept very well the night before. He nodded again and I put my arm around him and led him back inside, back upstairs to his bedroom, where I tucked him in and rubbed his back until he went to sleep.
Then I went out to the back porch to be alone for a minute. I needed to think about our finances. I needed to figure how I would keep the lights on. Tara had asked me questions about planning the funeral, and then gone ahead and done it. I had no idea how much it would all cost. I was feeling awful. Thepain my joints and my chest spread to my temples, like a band tightening around my head. I put my face in the crook of my arm and rested it on my knees.
I didn’t hear anyone coming but there were hands on my shoulders. I jerked up. Luke.
“Oh man, Emmy,” he said, kneeling on the step in front of me. “Emmy.” He looked drained and rumpled, his eyes bloodshot. He tried to pull me to him but I leaned away. “I came as fast as I could. I couldn’t get a flight—” he moved to touch me again and again I jolted back. What was the matter with me?
“Thank you for coming.” My voice was creaky. “Was it a bad trip? You look tired.”
Luke sat down next to me on the step, leaving a little space between us. “So do you. How are you doing?”
I rubbed my eyes. “I’m fine.”
Luke took my hand. “I’ve been calling you. Annie has been worried about you. She said that you haven’t been eating or sleeping much.”
“I don’t remember.”
Luke moved a little closer to me. He felt warm against my side.
“I found her,” I told him. “I should have known.” I leaned into him, just a little, then a little more.
“Why do you say that?”
“I should have known,” I repeated, and he put his arm around me gently. I turned my face into his neck and smelled hissmell, so nice.
“Emmy,” he said softly, and pulled me into his lap.
We sat outside for a while, just quietly, and then he carried me into the living room, and we sat on the couch, me still clutching him and him holding me tightly to his chest. I heard Tara, and Martha, and Annie, but I closed my eyes, and stopped listening.
I woke up later, with the room darkening. I was still on top of Luke, who was also asleep. Charlie was curled around my legs, reading a book in the dim light. I motioned to him, and we went quietly into the kitchen to let Luke sleep.
