The next few hours passed in a strange sequence of very slow, and very fast moments. It almost seemed like time had gotten out of whack. Before I knew it, Tara arrived with a copy of Cassie’s DNR, and then the ambulance came. It seemed like only a minute had passed, but that couldn’t have been right. They took Cassie, covered by a cloth. I watched her leave through the living room window.
Luke called. “Cassie’s dead,” I told him. “She OD’d.”
“Emmy.” I heard him sigh across the ocean. Liechtenstein was across the Alps. “I’m sorry.”
“She did it on purpose. I have to go get Charlie.”
“Sweetheart, I’m coming home, all right? I’m coming now.”
“Bye.” I hung up, then stood. “I have to get Charlie,” I mentioned to the room.
“I asked Martha to pick him up,” Tara said, putting her hand on my shoulder. I shrugged it off.
It must have been later. Martha walked in with Charlie. He looked at me, and I said, “Pal, it’s your mom.” That’s all I needed to say.
We were sitting on the couch, and it had gotten darker. Charlie was curled up in my lap. He had been crying on and off, and asking me if I was leaving. Martha and Tara kept trying to get us to eat and drink. Annie came? I wasn’t sure when she had arrived or why. I told her hello, and she kept squeezingmy hand, hard, and crying. She hadn’t even known Cassie.
I pulled my hand back and hugged Charlie tighter. “Is Luke here?” I asked.
“He’s on his way,” she said, crying harder.
Tara asked me questions about the funeral. “We have to make some plans, Em.”
“I can’t pay for a funeral,” I told her. “I don’t have any money. I made a payment to the hospital. They’re going to shut off the electricity.”
“It’s ok, honey,” Martha told me. Now she was crying too, and she hated Cassie. “We’ll figure that out, ok?”
“I don’t want a vigil,” I said. Who would have spoken?
More people came. Diego, Carl, Frankie. I asked Tara to try to reach Mike. Martha made us go to bed so we went to Charlie’s room, and cuddled together with Danny Bob. I lay, listening to the broken shutter outside his window tap against the house in the wind. Maybe I would try to fix it tomorrow after work. The morning light started coming in through the curtains, and I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them again, there was more light, but Charlie was still asleep.
I went into Cassie’s room. Martha and Tara had been in there, cleaning up and straightening everything. I walked to the bed where Cassie had been lying. There was no note, nothing to indicate that anything had happened here.
Then the day started, just like any other. I got dressed. Charlie got up. Martha called and told me not to think about coming into work at the store. Charlie and I sat on the couchtogether. Annie was back, with a big basket of fancy food, and Tara asked me what we had to wear to the funeral. I just shook my head.
Everyone was whispering, and I couldn’t stand it. “Please stop whispering,” I said. My voice was too loud. What was the matter with me?
“Did you get any sleep last night?” Diego said. Charlie went outside with Frankie.
“He was crying,” I answered. “Having nightmares. Fucking Cassie. She had to do this, didn’t she? She’s a fucking bitch. Isn’t she?” He looked shocked, and I put my hand over my mouth to stop the words. “I’m sorry,” I whispered between my fingers. Now I was whispering. “Tara, I think I’m losing it.”
She sat down next to me and gripped my hand. “You’re going to be fine. Got it? It’s hard right now, but you’re going to be fine.”
I tugged my hand away. “Did you talk to Mike?”
Her face hardened. “He hasn’t called me back. Fucking Mike.”
Yeah. Fucking Mike. Fucking Cassie. I hated them both.
I made a sandwich for Charlie with some of the fancy basket food, but he just picked at it. Tara told me to eat too, but I didn’t have an appetite and I didn’t want to waste it.
Annie came back, with shopping bags. She gave a bag to Diego, who took Charlie upstairs, and then she handed me one too. “It’s for you to wear to the funeral,” she said. Her eyes were all red.
“Is Macdara ok?”
She startled. “Yes, why?”
“You’re so upset,” I explained. Then I gasped. “Oh, my Lord, did something happen to Luke?” I stood up and swayed. “Is that why you’re crying? Annie, what happened? What happened to Luke?”
