I dragged on my blunt again, leaned back in the chair and blew the smoke out slow while the ocean sprayed up against the rocks. This was supposed to be my peaceful spot, the place where I could breathe and get my shit together, but today it wasn’t helpin’ at all. My hands wouldn’t stop shakin’, my foot kept tappin’ the deck and my mind kept jumpin’ from thought to thought like it wasn’t even connected to me.
I ain’t hear the patio door open, but I felt her before I saw her.
Toni walked out quiet, wearin’ one of my big shirts with her natural hair tied up messy on top of her head. She had two cups in her hands, steam floatin’ from both. When she got closer, I could smell the mint in the tea. She always made mint tea when she was worried. She never said that out loud, but I learned her patterns. She learned mine too.
“Here,” she said soft, settin’ one of the cups on the gold table next to me before handin’ me the other.
I grabbed it even though my hands didn’t feel steady enough for it, and when her fingers brushed mine, I felt my whole chest get tight again.
She leaned down and kissed me on the side of my face, right where my jaw met my ear. It was soft and warm and gentle in that way she do when she tryna love me through some shit she couldn’t name. She sat in the chair next to me and tucked her leg up under her other one while she sipped her tea, not sayin’nothin’ at first. She didn’t force conversation. She didn’t ask questions. She just sat there like she was lettin’ me take my time.
That’s the shit that made lovin’ her feel both easy and damn near painful.
After a minute she reached over and grabbed my free hand. She lifted it to her lips and kissed the back of it slow, then rested it on her thigh while her thumb brushed across my knuckles. That soft lil’ motion damn near broke a nigga open.
“‘Lo,” she said finally, her voice soft but full. “I love you.”
My eyes closed on their own. I felt that shit in my whole body. It scared me how much that simple sentence affected me. It scared me ‘cause a part of me didn’t feel like I deserved that kind of softness from her after last night.
I nodded a lil’, but I still couldn’t look at her.
She squeezed my hand. “Baby… I’m here for you. I got you. Whatever this is… whatever you feelin’… you don’t gotta hold it by yourself.”
My throat felt tight like I wanted to speak but ain’t know how. I finally forced out, “I’m straight, baby. I’m good.”
She looked at me with hurt flickerin’ across her face even though she tried to hide it. “Kay’Lo, I saw you pacin’ and talkin’ to yourself last night. I ain’t know who you was talkin’ to. I ain’t know if somebody was outside or if you was scared or mad or?—”
“I said I’m fuckin’ good, bro. Damn. You keep tryna talk and I’m tellin’ you to chill. My voice snapped sharper than I meant for it to. “I told you I’m good, let the shit go.”
She blinked, caught off guard at how fast my tone cut. The pain in her eyes hit me like a punch to the ribs. She pulled her hand back slow, like she wasn’t tryna make a scene but her feelin’s was hurt, and I watched her swallow hard as she stared out at the water instead of at me.
And in that instant, guilt ripped through me so fast my stomach knotted up.
Fuck. I snapped on my baby.
This was the woman who loved me through everything. The woman who held me last night like she was holdin’ my mind and a scared ass lil’ boy together. The woman who never judged me even when she was scared of the shit I did.
I dropped the blunt in the ashtray and crushed it out before I stood up. My heart was poundin’ for a whole different reason now, and I walked over to her slowly, feelin’ like I was carryin’ a thousand pounds of regret in my chest.
“Toni,” I said low.
She didn’t even look up.
I kneeled down between her legs and rested my hands on her thighs. Her eyes was shiny with tears she kept blinkin’ back ‘cause she ain’t wanna make me feel worse. That only made the guilt burn deeper.
“Baby…” I whispered. “Look at me.”
She looked down, just enough for her eyes to meet mine, and that was all it took. The dam in my chest cracked. I slid my hands up her thighs, wrapped my fingers around her hips and laid my forehead on her lap.
“I’m sorry,” I murmured against her skin, my voice low. “I ain’t had no business snappin’ on you like that. You don’t deserve that shit. I’m sorry, baby.”
She exhaled slow, her fingers findin’ the back of my head and slidin’ through my hair while her other hand rested on my back. The second she touched me like that, I felt myself unravel in a way I hated and needed at the same time.
“I love you,” she whispered. “You think I’m gon’ leave you just ‘cause you go through somethin’? I’m your wife. I’m here.”
Her tears hit the back of my neck, warm and soft, and I kissed her thighs slow, lettin’ her know I felt every tear. She rubbed my back in slow circles like she was tryna calm somethin’ wild inside me, and it was workin’ little by little.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” I said into her lap. “I don’t want to scare you.”
