When I finally stepped close enough, I reached out and grabbed his hand.
“‘Lo… baby?”
His whole body jerked, like I pulled him out of a dream he ain’t even know he was havin’. He stopped movin’ and looked at me, but the look in his eyes wasn’t my husband. His eyes was wide, dark and confused, like he was tryna figure out who I was. He wasn’t mad. He wasn’t dangerous. He was lost.
“Kay’Lo, you okay?” I asked, my voice soft, scared to push him but scared not to.
He stared at me like he was stuck between two worlds, then he blinked a few times and his whole face shifted. The confusion softened and he finally saw me.
“Baby?” he said, breathin’ hard. “You good? You need somethin’? Why you up?”
I swallowed slow. “I heard you talkin’. I couldn’t feel you in the bed.”
He looked around like he didn’t remember why he was there. “I’m good. I’m good, baby. You straight? You hungry? You want somethin’? I can cook somethin’ real quick.”
“No,” I whispered, squeezin’ his hand. “I just want you to come to bed with me. Come on.”
He hesitated, not ‘cause he ain’t want to go with me, but ‘cause his mind was still racin’ somewhere behind those eyes. I slid both my hands up his arms slow, lettin’ him feel me, and lettin’ him come back little by little.
“Come to bed,” I said gently. “Please.”
His shoulders dropped like the tension finally let go, and he nodded once. “A’ight, baby. Come on.”
I walked him upstairs like I was protectin’ him, not the other way around. When we got to the room, he let go of my hand and unbuttoned the rest of his shirt, tossin’ it aside. Then he stepped out of his pajama pants until he was just in his boxers. Usually he would look back at me smirkin’, playful, and full of that cocky energy he lived on.
Tonight he was quiet.
He climbed into the bed and turned on his side with his back toward me, and that alone felt wrong. Kay’Lo never turned his back to me. He always held me, always reached for me and always wrapped himself around me like he needed my body to breathe.
Seein’ his back now, broad and tense, made my heart ache.
I ain’t even think. I slid in behind him and wrapped my arm around his waist, pressin’ my body to his back. I placed soft kisses across his shoulder, down his spine, up the back of hisneck, tryin’ to soothe him the way nobody ever soothed me when I was lil’.
At first he stayed stiff. But then… little by little… I felt the tension melt.
His body relaxed, his breath slowed, and he reached for my hand, lacin’ his fingers with mine like he ain’t even realize he was doin’ it.
I pressed my forehead between his shoulder blades and held him tighter.
And that’s when it hit me…
Somethin’ was wrong with my husband.
It was somethin’ deeper than anger, and deeper than trauma. It was somethin’ that lived inside him like a storm that he couldn’t shut off, and if I walked away from him now…
he would break in a way he could never come back from.
So I held him closer, ‘cause lovin’ Kay’Lo Mensah meant lovin’ all his darkness too.
And I wasn’t lettin’ him face it alone.
Trill-Land, ‘LoLux Estate
It was ‘bout eight in the mornin’ and I was out back coolin’, smokin’ and watchin’ the waves hit the rocks. The wind felt cold against my face even though the sun was out, and I guess that’s how I felt inside too. Everything looked calm, but my mind was somewhere else entirely. I ain’t even know how long I had been sittin’ in this same damn chair, hunched forward with my elbows on my knees and my blunt burnin’ slow between my fingers.
My whole body felt heavy, like I had ran a marathon in my sleep. My chest felt tight, and my fuckin’ head was poundin’. I wasn’t mad, but I wasn’t okay either, and that shit frustrated me ‘cause I ain’t even know what the fuck to call it. All I knew was that somethin’ inside me felt off, and I ain’t have the words or the energy to explain what the fuck was goin’ on.
The crazy part was that I remembered last night and I didn’t remember it at the same time. It felt like somethin’ I had watched from the outside, not somethin’ I did. I remembered the feelin’, not the details, and that shit scared me in a way I wasn’t ever gon’ admit out loud. I knew Toni saw me, and that alone made my stomach twist ‘cause she wasn’t supposed to see me like that. She wasn’t supposed to see the parts of me I didn’t l even understand myself.
