Consume Me
RIVERANDIhadn'tspoken in two days,twodays. And all I could think about was how we'd left each other in tears and how in the span of our relationship we hadn't ever gone that long without talking to each other. I liked to believe that we were relatively good at communicating, but it was like finding out about him and Jace had left us lost in translation. The academy had closed for the winter holidays and I had to admit it hurt to feel so alone during that time. I couldn't go home without risking my mother not allowing me back and I couldn't even talk to the one person I truly wanted to because he was angry with me.
I had to admit that perhaps I went about things the wrong way, which was why I was once again sitting on the floor of Victoria's house with her trying to give me some advice. She and Fabian had been getting really close lately and I must say I never saw that one coming. They had such different personalities and I guess I just never thought I'd see the day Victoria King ever let a man wander around her house in fluffy pink slippers while she made him scones. Fabian wasn't there though, thank God, I couldn't risk him hearing what we were talking about.
"This is a delicate situation you see, because neither of you were wrong for the way you reacted. You were wrong for going through his things and invading his privacy and he was wrong for keeping his true relationship with Jace a secret from you. But I feel like I must ask Armani, why does it matter that he and Jace were intimate to you?" Victoria asked,
"If I'm being honest, it doesn't at all. I guess a part of me was just jealous and felt like I was just his distraction." I admitted and she lifted an eyebrow in response,
"Has River ever given you a reason to feel like you were just a distraction?" She asked, "Or are you just letting your insecurities get the best of you? I hate to be blunt in this case because he was my friend but the matter of the fact is that Jace Monet isdead. Long gone from our lives no matter how painful that may be to come to accept. You needn't be envious of someone who's not here anymore and hasn't been for a year."
"I just wish he could've been honest with me, I wouldn't have judged him for it, I just wish he trusted me." I sighed,
"That's what you're not understanding Armani, River's sexuality has absolutely nothing to do with his relationship with you. He was right in what he said, it was his story to tell and you kinda took that away from him. I think that you guys need to sit down and just have a heart-to-heart and lay all your uncertainties out on the table. And if you can't do that then your relationship won't work." Victoria concluded brutally and honestly as always and I knew that she was right.
But I couldn’t bring myself to call, or text, or anything.
And so I spent the day before Christmas Eve all on my own, watching the first snow of winter cascade down my window cill as Keomi left for Osaka for the holidays.
"Are you sure you have to leave?" I asked showing her my best puppy dog eyes,
"Unfortunately my mother isn't the easiest woman to argue with, so I'm pretty sure." She laughed apologetically,
"Oh okay," I replied trying my best not to sound too disappointed,
"I'd hate to have you spend the holidays alone, what about River hm?" She asked and the fact that I couldn’t bring myself to even remotely explain hurt me,
"We're going through a bit of a rough patch," I explained and she zipped up her suitcase,
"How so?" She asked and I could tell that she was just trying to be a good friend as usual but I couldn’t tell her,
"Just a minor misunderstanding that's all, but he's really angry at me and I don't really think he ever wants to talk to me again." I expressed and she sighed just as her phone chimed and she groaned,
"I'd love to stay and chat but she's already waiting down campus," Keomi told me and kissed me on the cheek, "Don't give up on each other, I don't think I've ever seen him as expressive and well-aliveas he is with you."
And then she disappeared out the door, and I was all on my own. Every single one of my friends had gone home for the holidays, even Fabian who was spending the holidays with his parents in Greece. I spent the rest of the day completing my art project and turning it into Monsieur who surprisingly was still on campus.
"Your piece is late," Monsieur said simply, not even bothering to take a proper look at my painting before handing it back to me and I paused. "Regardless of what I think of it."
"Not that I expect you to take this as a reasonable excuse but my grandmother passed away recently and I wasn't able to focus enough to complete it on time." I explained and he shot me a condescending glare, "I was hoping it wasn't too late?"
"Miss Nnandi, are you aware of the saying that latecomers always eat bones?" He questioned bitterly,
"Forgive me Monsieur but are you saying that I can't turn in my work even if it's only a day late?" I asked and he took a step closer towards me,
"That is exactly what I'm saying." He told me, "Rules are the rules."
"Why do you do this, push your students to their absolute limit and never give them a chance to breathe? You do it to River all the time and you don't even realize that you're hurting the best you've got, if you're going to deny my submission because it's twenty-four hours late fine then so be it- but you willnotlook me in the eye and tell me it's not good enough."
"You are young, you are lost." Monsieur scoffed suddenly getting defensive,
"That is where you are wrong, perhaps at first- but not anymore, I am found." I declared, grabbed my artwork and stormed off.
I meant what I said despite saying so, and in a fit of rage, I was anything but lost anymore. I knew exactly what I wanted and for the first time I knew I deserved it, and I wasn't going to let some seventy-something-year-old bitter has-been tell me that I'm not good enough. As I went back to my dorm that day I couldn't help but feel so alone for the first time. For the first time in my life, my heart longed for another so intently that I found myself feeling lonely without him. And when I looked at all the sweaters River had purposefully left for me in my closet I couldn't help but cry, because I fucked up this time and I didn't think that he'd ever forgive me for it.
It was then that I knew that you could be homesick for people too.
I was wrong to invade his privacy and go through his things, aside from this one secret River had never given me a reason to mistrust him. He had always been clear with his intentions and when he told me he cared for me he showed it. He showed it in the littlest things; when he helped me take out my braids once they'd started coming undone, when he stood by me when I lost my grandmother more than my own family did, when he saw me for who I was- flaws and all and accepted me as I was, unapologetically, irrefutably for who I am.
