I regretted taking away this important moment from him by letting my own curiosity get the best of me, it washisstory to share in his own time and I'd messed that up. He was probably sitting there thinking that the reason I was upset was because he'd loved a man, he probably thought I didn't accept him for his sexuality and the very thought of that made me want to cry even more because it couldn't be any less untrue.
The truth is that I was mad because I loved him and I hated the thought of competing with anyone for his affection, even the dead. I loved him as purely as one would nurture a secret yet as furiously as a burning fire craved gasoline. He was both the light of my daydreams and the darkness of my nightmares, I found myself dreaming of him even when I was wide awake. It was a shame that it took methislong to realise it, but I did, I loved him, with every breath, every beat of my heart- with everything I possibly had within me, Ilovedhim.
And I wished he knew.
It was just after midnight and I had been tossing and turning in my sheets because I couldn't sleep. I stared up at the ceiling into the darkness and tried my very best to unscramble my thoughts. Just then my phone chimed, it was really late so I wondered who in their right mind would text me at this hour.
RIVER: Armani. Are you awake?
ME: Yeah, you?
RIVER: ….well yes. Let’s talk.
ME: Right now?
RIVER: Meet me at Parc Monceau & don’t come without a sweater on, it’s very cold.
My heart leapt at his message and I grabbed my navy blue winter coat and headed outside, surprisingly the streets were fairly empty and quiet which was odd for a Friday night. I held my coat close to me as the strength of the cold blew past me, I walked all the way to the park and when I saw River's car parked near an elderly oak tree, whose leaves were bent down and the evergreen leaves brushed the roof of his car. I felt the light raindrops fall from the sky and I looked up, it was then or never.
I made my way over to the car and opened the door, the warmth of the heater engulfed me and River didn't even turn to look at me when I sat down in the passenger's seat. He looked like he hadn't slept in a while and yet his hair tussled with the aftermath only slumber could bring.
"River," I said simply, my voice merely a plea, I didn't know what to say.
"Armani." He replied, his voice almost as distant as mine.
"I'm sorry, forgive me." I apologised but he paused in the moonlight seeping through the window,
"What for?" He asked,
"For if I ever made you feel like I didn't accept you as you are, as you have always done with me." I clarified and he shut his eyes for a moment,
"I'm sorry for asking you to come here so late and for...." He apologized too and then I was on the verge of tears, I reached for his hand but he pulled it away from my grasp.
"What on earth for?" I asked him as well,
"For not being who you deserve, for everything that happened." He muttered, his voice quiet before he pulled at the cross around his neck and it snapped in half as the silver fell to the floor. "I hate myself for it."
"Look at me." I insisted, moving closer, but he didn't even open his eyes, "Please look at me."
"I can't. I'm so sorry I fucked this up, I can't help but feel like I fuck everything up, like everyone ends up regretting me in the end. I don't want you to regret me too," He pleaded and my eyes began to well with tears, did hereallythink that any part of me could ever regret him?
"Sometimes I feel like I'm second place to someone I've never even met, so I don't even know who I'm comparing myself to. I feel like I'm fighting the ghost of your past with him for you, I can't compete with a memory anymore." I admitted still not making eye contact with him,
"You can't compete with him because there is no competition, it was never my intention to make you feel like I ever compared you to him it's just that I-" He paused and took a quivering breath looking up at the ceiling, "I thought you'd see me differently if you knew I was intimate with him, I thought you wouldn't want to be with me anymore and I- I couldn't lose you again."
"And I'm sorry I took away your chance to tell me when you were ready, Ihatethat I did that to you. I feel horrible for putting you on the spot the way I did." I apologized.
"No no no don't apologize. All of this is me, it'sallon me. Je comprends si tu ne veux plus être avec moi."I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore,
"Look at me." I insisted once more turning to face him, his deep blue eyes rimming with red as he tried to blink away the tears, "Please look at me."
“I can’t…” he breathed raggedly.
"River, my love, look at me." I plead and at that he opened his eyes and turned to me, his eyes glistening with unshed tears in the moonlight. "In the middle of all my chaos, there was you, my light, there is nothing in the world you could do that I haven't already forgiven you for subconsciously. You need not be sorry or even apologise. Because I have loved you in silence so allow me to voice it now, Je t'aime, I love you."
And at that River leaned his head back. He was crying now as I held his hand against my own, I pulled him into an embrace and I could feel his tears soaking my coat, I never thought I'd see the day River Kennedy let himself break; River with his walls of stone that I never thought I'd ever be able to see past is letting himself break beforemenonetheless. As he cried my heart shattered with him and I cried too, I cried because I loved him and he knew it, there was no going back.
"I have known all the deadliest things; grief, bloodshed, and yet none are even half as all-consuming as what I feel for you." He admitted and my heart wrenched at his words,
