"I wasn't going to care-"
"But I do, Icareit wasn't your story to tell, it's mine and it was his and you took that away from me!" A tear fell from his eye and down his cheek, "you had no right to do this."
"River, I'm sorry." I apologised and he shut his eyes as more tears fell and he couldn't control them anymore. I hated myself for doing this to him, I should've waited for him.
"Just go." He said, his tone cold.
"But I-" I began but he stopped me,
"Je ne peux pas faire ça maintenant," He said,I can't do this right now, "just leave."
I took the photo out of my pocket and placed it on the table in front of him. "Blue paint," I said.
He wanted me to leave and so I did.
I can’t automatically make it so that you understand just how much they meant to each other, because the matter of the fact is that I was not there. But what I can do is take things back. To understand the origins of their story, we have to go back, two days before the accident. July 14th 2010.
The day before everything came crashing down.
Chapter 27
Death Is A Lover
A collection of memories
Twoyearsago,River;17, Jace; 17
RIVER GAZED up at the ceiling of his room, 1 2 3 4 5, counting will help you focus they said, that it was all in his head. He had been having a bad week, school was stressing him out and he didn't show up that day. He knew that his friends would probably bombard him with questions the second they saw him, but he was getting better at lying, you see. He lied when the therapist his mother was forcing him to see asked if the breathing practices were helping, he lied when he looked in the mirror and told himself that what he felt for Jace was just a phase and that it would pass, he lied when Keomi asked where he'd been all day just now over text.
KEOMI:Where have you been all day, we had a project due remember?? Shitty of you to leave me hanging RK.
RIVER:Sorry, sick.
Sometimes he wished that he could somehow explain to his friends that sometimes he just needed a break from everyone and everything for a while to prevent things from getting worse and letting the dark thoughts win. The ones that snuck up on him just when he thought things were just getting better, the ones that made him want to find other ways to end the pain, the ones so bad he couldn't tell anyone about them- not even the one person in the world he felt understood him, Jace Monet.
River turned to look in the mirror of his room, he was still living with his parents and his maman insisted that he could only move out once he turned eighteen. When he looked in the mirror and saw his reflection, full bee-stung lips, pale marine blue eyes, straight dark- almost black hair that fell lightly over his eyes, his olive skin. He couldn't understand what anyone ever saw in him, he'd gotten used to compliments sure, but it was one thing for someone to say they liked your body and another for them to like who you really are. He ran his fingers over his jawline, he thoughtthis body is not who I am.
Just then his bedroom door fumbled open and it was none other than the one person who didn't need to knock, ever, because it was almost as much his room as it was River's at that point. Jace, with his dark brown doe eyes that could turn anyone to molten honey, his curly blonde hair that he sometimes let River brush and thread dandelions in at the crack of dawn at Parc Monceau, his face full of freckles and warm smile. It was odd to River how easily Jace could make him feel so seen and for the first time he didn't feel like he was just another body he felt likeRiver.
"Don't tell me you're hiding from me, River?" Jace greeted playfully, his voice like a finger to a lyre in spring.
"Never you," River replied and Jace shut the door behind them like he'd done nearly every time they were alone together.
Jace's lips brushed River's ever so slightly, careful and still uncertain like the bare soles of one's feet on hot sand, his mouth was warm and daring and slightly bolder this time. River thought that by now he would've gotten used to the feel of Jace's lips against his own, but he still found himself feeling this guilt and mistrust. He knew it was wrong to mistrust Jace's motives at the moment but that was merely because as much as Jace was by the far the most amazing person he'd ever encountered in his life, he was also the most indecisive.
Jace had what he and his friends often called âme éphémère, a fleeting soul. He would take interest in something and swear it was the best thing since sliced bread and yet a week later he would be onto the next fascinating thing. He did so with his intermediate Violin lessons, gymnastics and of course art. He had been accepted at St Katherine's because of his art and he turned it down for River, no one had ever sacrificed anything for him and so one could only imagine what hidden feelings that stirred inside of him.
River only hoped that he would not end up on the list on one of Jace's fleeting things.
"Why didn't you go to school today?" Jace asked looking at River the way he did when he was expecting nothing but the truth,
"Nothing, just a headache." River shrugged, and he knew that Jace knew he wasn't telling the whole truth but whether or not he would act on those suspicions was uncertain.
"You've been having a lot of those lately," Jace replied curiously, "Is there something you're not telling me, mon amour?"My love, Jace had taken a liking to calling him that lately, one could only hope he meant it.
"Actually, I was wondering, this thing between us, what if people find out I mean- isn't it better we just tell them?" River suggested and Jace gave him the exact same low laugh he did whenever River brought this up, like he was some disobedient child.
"People ruin everything, I don't want them to ruin this- to ruin us. We waited so long to be together this way and I don't want anything to jeopardise that. This…" Jace gestured, his lips nearing River's neck, "Is ours and only ours, don't you want to keep it to ourselves just a little longer?"
