She got out of bed, went to the kitchen, and made herself a cup of Zaina’s sleepy blend tea. She wrapped herself in her favoriteblanket and sipped on her tea. While she sipped, she made a mental pro and con list. She wished she could talk to Zaina or Devin and have them decide what she should do about Sean, but she felt this was something she must decide on her own. She needed to be able to take all the credit or all the blame. Nicole took out her journal and started listing pros and cons.
Pro - Sean said he was crazy about her.
Con - He might decide to leave her someday.
Pro - The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled at her.
Con - He liked making food puns.
Who was she kidding? That was a pro too. In fact, she could list a hundred pros and could only think of one con. And the con was unknowable. They could very well spend the rest of their lives together or just spend the rest of this year. Even Zaina couldn’t predict the future. What Nicole could do was continue to keep her head down and go through the motions, alone, and hope she could be lucky enough to live to see her 80s. How would that feel? Would the weight of her regrets slowly grind her down until she was dust? She pulled her blanket around her shoulders like a shawl and took her now empty cup into the kitchen to put it in her sink.
In a perfect world, she’d call her mom right about now, but her parents were on a cruise, so that wasn’t a possibility either. She imagined what her mom would have to say. She was certain that both her parents would love Sean. Dad would approve of his well-maintained Jeep and the way he ran a successful business. Mom would say he was very handsome, and she’d love that he had a garden. Both of them would get a kick out of Sean’s sense of humor.
As Nicole visualized talking to her parents and imagined seeing them with Sean, she felt her chest swell with pride. She was proud to be with him. She’d never had that sort of feeling, even when she and Duncan were wedding planning. She never felt secure with Duncan, and maybe that, more than any cancer stuff, is holding her back from going all in with Sean. It was like a bolt of lightning had hit her. The realization about Duncan knocked her feet out from under her as she plopped back down on the couch.
She laughed out loud. She had been such a fool! “You’re a freaking idiot, Nicole!” She shouted to her living room. All this time she’d been telling herself she wanted the best for Sean, and not to hold him back. Of course, she hadn’t bothered to finish their conversation, so she really had no clue what his feelings were about kids—but that wasn’t even the real problem! It was all about her fear of being dumped, and that could happen with anyone, anywhere.
She wasn’t special. Yes, she literally had scars that she was not keen on anyone seeing, but that wasn’t what was stopping her. It was the traumatic experience of Duncan that was making her shut down, and she would be damned if she was going to let him stop her from having a chance at happiness with a guy like Sean. That would be bonkers!
She did a little dance around her living room; relief flooded her body and she felt so happy she thought she might float away. Now all she had to do was show Sean he could count on her, that she trusted him. She looked at the clock on her stove; it was four in the morning.
Her heart was racing. She had so much energy she wanted to run over to see Sean right then and there to tell him she was ready. she wanted her Hallmark moment,…but it was four in the morning, so that wasn’t going to work. She needed to get some sleep and plan what she was going to say. She knew if she wereSean, she’d have a hard time listening to what she had to say after she’d blown him off all week.
Chapter Twenty-Five
SEAN
Sean was done. He’d tried. He’d been open and honest and shared himself with Nicole. He believed in her and he thought they were on the same page. As for the kids thing, well, he would have told her he’d already spent enough time raising his step-brothers and sisters while his parents went off to find love with new spouses. He’d changed plenty of diapers. He’d even bought tampons for a half-sister and a step-sister, and he’d had to explain wet dreams to a sixth grade Ethan when he was home from college after junior year.
He knew that having kids was more than drudgery. He’d see the happiness of fathers bringing new babies into Jesse’s as well as toasting their sons' completion of high school or their daughters getting into law school. He got that, but it wasn’t for him.
He wanted one life partner; he wanted adventures with someone who had the same values as him and who knew we onlygot to go around this world once. Sure, he hadn’t known Nicole for very long, but there was something special there. He’d dated in the past, he’d been in love, but he'd never felt like he could make a life with anyone like he felt about Nicole.
Too bad she didn’t feel that way about him. After not hearing from her on Monday, he waited until Tuesday afternoon and then he’d sent a quick text, a just checking in message, no blaming, no asking what the heck had happened. This one he didn’t even know if she read it or not. The next few days he’d been crazy busy at work training his new sous chef Lucas. What a welcome distraction that had been, and Lucas had picked up the workflow so well, Sean was thinking he was ready to leave Lucas in charge of brunch on Sunday.
But even training a new right-hand man wasn’t enough to keep the thought of Nicole completely out of the forefront of his mind. When he’d ordered a bottle of vanilla to use for waffle batter, he’d thought of her. On his way to work, he’d stopped taking the long way past the lake, so he didn’t have to remember the kisses they’d shared after their picnic. He’d been getting coffee from the gas station to avoid Common Grounds. All because of her, she kept showing up in the quiet moments of his day.
Today he couldn’t take it any longer and he sent her a message saying he was giving up. And he was, he was giving up, and moving on. That’s what he kept telling himself. Yet, here he was, up at four in the morning, unable to sleep. He was thinking about Nicole and missing her. He wanted to be in her bed right now. He wanted to listen to her make little sounds as she slept, and he wanted to pull her close to him and push her hair to the side and kiss her neck, breathing in her scent. He reached down and took himself in hand, he needed to get her out of his system, or he was never going to fall back asleep.
Bleary-eyed, he woke up to the drone of his cell phone alarm. Time to face the day. Friday meant happy hour half-off appetizers from two to six and that guaranteed he would be running all day; no time to think about Nicole. He had a business to run. He couldn’t continue existing in a 'what if' fog. He needed to get on with his life. Plus, he was sure Ethan or his dad would be calling soon. He needed to talk to Jasper and figure out how he was going to handle that situation. One thing he could always count on his parents for was to remind him why he wasn’t a parent himself.
Sean was switching out a keg of Marley Creek Marzen when his phone started vibrating in his pocket. He wasn’t in any position to answer the call no matter who was calling, so he let it go to voicemail. He promptly got involved with one minor issue after another. Thank goodness Lucas was here to help with the cooking, because they were slammed. They ran out of salmon twenty minutes into the dinner service, and then the point of sale was down for the last two hours, and he’d had Mable use the app on his phone to process all the credit cards. Finally, the last patrons were leaving, and it was time to clean up.
“You’re quiet today boss,“ Mable said. She was sitting at the bar, rolling silverware for tomorrow’s brunch. Her blonde hair had been recently streaked with purple and was in a French braid.
“When did you add the purple to your hair?”
“At least a week ago. You just noticed?” She tossed her hair. “I guess I did.” He yawned loudly.
“Boss, you have some major bags under those eyes.”
Sean finished organizing the bar for the next day and then he walked around the bar and sat down next to Mable.
“I haven’t been able to sleep for shit this week.”
“You must really be exhausted, Sean. You’re swearing in my presence. I am pretty shocked.”
“Geez, I didn’t even realize I was doing that. I’m sorry. I’ve been distracted all week and it’s not acceptable.”
