Sean was glad his father couldn’t see his face.
“Sure, I remember him. I babysat him all summer long for three years.”
“Oh good. Thing is, he dropped out of college, and he needs some direction in life. I was thinking maybe you could take him in?”
“What?” Sean bellowed.
“Dad, I’m not running a boarding house and I’m not here to be anyone’s father.”
“Relax, relax, I just thought, since you’ve been so successful over the past few years, you could share some of that experience with him, help him find some direction, you know, mentor him?”
“Hard pass, Dad. Remember, I live in a studio apartment. I don’t have room.”
“Well, can you just think about it? What about your friend with the big place, the one you stayed with?"
Sean stared up at the ceiling. His father did not listen when he spoke. He considered just hanging up the phone, but his dad would only call back. Sean sighed.
“Jasper. Dad, I don’t think it would work out. I don’t even know if Jasper would want another roommate. I’m sure me staying there a few years ago was a one-time thing.”
“Sean, Jenny and Ethan don’t get along, I can’t have him here and it’s not like he can go live with his mom, please?”
“Fine, Dad. I’ll think about it.”
“Oh wonderful," I’ll have Ethan give you a call soon.”
Sean tapped his head against the table. Great. Now Ethan was going to call him directly. He was terrible at saying no to any of the kids he helped raise during the summers of his teen years. He hoped the rest of them went off to college or trade school with clear visions and didn’t flame out and then come looking for help.
“Bye, Dad.”
“Thanks again, Seannie!”
Sean hated that his father was always putting him in positions like this. How could he not help Ethan? He didn’t want to feel guilty knowing he might have been able to help one of his step-brothers. What if Ethan got involved with drugs or wasdepressed? Dang it, he was going to have to try and talk Jasper into letting Ethan stay with him. Unless things worked out with Nicole and he moved in with her, then he’d have no problem subletting to Ethan. “Stop getting ahead of yourself,” Sean said out loud. He opened his text messages just in case Nicole had replied and he had missed her text.
Chapter Twenty-Four
NICOLE
Nicole pulled out her bins of Halloween decorations and carried them into the house. Usually, she would have put up everything by October first. This year, she just wasn’t feeling it. She opened the bin marked indoor decorations and stared at the ghosts, goblins, and witch decorations practically bursting out of the box. Her shoulders slumped; she wasn’t in the mood to hang stuff. She pulled out a pumpkin-shaped pillow and put it on her loveseat. That was enough decorating for one day.
Maybe it was time for her to admit to herself that she was too afraid to take a chance on Sean. She was too afraid to take a chance on anything. Bad things happened when she dreamed. She didn’t want to tempt fate. Part of her brain was sure that the moment she gave in and enjoyed life, the cancer would come back. She’d rather go through the motions and take a pension in fifteen years than risk living again.
If she just stayed in her little box and didn’t make waves, the horrible specter that was cancer would pass her by. She didn’t need a boyfriend or a husband. She was fine all by herself, and fine was fine. It wasn’t joyful like Sean’s smile when she laughed at his foodie puns. It wasn’t that feeling of fluttering butterflies when he kissed her neck. It wasn’t that pooling of desire when he slid his hand down and cupped her ass. It was just fine, and she was used to fine.
Nicole finished making her lunch for work and putting out her clothes for Spirit Friday. She looked at her phone as she put it on the charger. She’d spent the week in a fog, going through the motions, barely remembering to eat, and she loved to eat. When her tastebuds started working again after chemo she’d made it a habit to take her time and savor every bite of her meals. Now those meals tasted like sawdust and cardboard in her mouth.
SEAN: Nic, I’d really like to talk about us, but if you’d prefer to ghost me, that’s your right. My right is not to be jerked around. So, if you want to talk, call me, text me, stop by Jesse’s, whatever works. I don’t want to bother you. I’m leaving the ball in your court.
She re-read the message again. The door was certainly cracked open. Did she deserve to push it open? Nicole rolled over and punched her pillow a few times. She felt like screaming. She was so tired of life being so hard. The weight of the last few days hung on her, pushing her down into the mattress. She closed her eyes only to find Sean waiting behind them, his arms wide, beckoning her in for a hug.
She woke with a start and rolled over to look at her clock, it was two-thirty in the morning. She was having that dream again where she was back in the doctor’s office but instead of cancer, she had a benign cyst. Then Duncan showed up to tell her he was moving on because she was broken and he couldn't handle worrying about her. She looked down and had a baby in herarms. Usually the baby had her face, but today, that baby had Sean’s face and then he opened his mouth and started laughing like a hyena. That was when she started screaming in the dream and woke up.
She didn’t need to call Zaina to interpret that dream, and she’d been having it for over a year now. At least she’d stopped having the dream where she was back in high school, but she didn’t have any clothes on.
She looked over at her phone.Don’t pick it up,she said to herself, but she didn’t listen and soon she was scrolling her fake social media account looking for pictures of Duncan. She hoped for nothing but the worst for him and she clapped when she saw that his current status was now listed as single.Good, she thought. Her face flushed red in the glow of her cell phone. She should be ashamed of herself. She felt like there was a hole where her heart belonged. What was wrong with her?
She was wide awake now and felt a tension headache coming on. Her jaw ached from clenching it all day. She realized she was trying to white-knuckle life, and for what? To lay here at almost three in the morning thinking hateful thoughts about her ex? f she were honest with herself, she could not be any less interested in Duncan if she tried. That tall broad-shouldered chef with thick dark hair was the elephant in the room.
She wasn’t sure what was more painful, staying away from him or opening herself up to potential rejection. She thought it was better for both of them for her to stay away, and for him to find someone else, but now she wasn’t so sure. Her clarity from the other day was hazy. She wanted to ask Devin or Zaina what they would do, but it didn’t matter what they would do. She needed to do what was right for her and for Sean, and she was struggling with that decision.
