I cocked my head and offered another shrug. My stomach was sick, but for a whole other reason. Nick stormed out of my house last week and hadn’t said a word to me since. I dreaded the end of the year Scout party next week. I was furious at him, yet missed him so much I could barely function. I wanted to punch his lights out for being so pigheaded, yet beg him to reconsider. I had written and deleted twenty texts.
“I’m going to call it a day,” Callie sighed and shrugged on her denim jacket. “What time is Jack’s science program over?”
I glanced at my watch. “In half an hour.” The science program was a suggestion from Nick, seeing as how he loved learning about nature in Scouts. Our lives were so much better since he came along. I wasn’t used to this sad emptiness caused by his absence, and I hated it. It was too close to how I felt when I lost Jack.
My son had been asking where Nick was more and more. “Working a lot” was an excuse I wouldn’t get away with much longer.
My forever wasn't with a ghost, and the insinuation that it was made my blood boil. However, that ghost wasn't fully all the way in my past either. Maybe this was all I had to give. And if it was, it meant I lost both men I loved.
My phone buzzed in my bag as I waved goodbye to Callie. My heart leaped and then immediately sank when I didn't see Nick's name flashing across the screen.
“Hey, EJ. How about tapas tonight?”
I sighed at my sister.
“Sorry, Katie. I'm just not feeling it.”
Kate huffed. “Just call him. Why are you so stubborn?”
“Because I don't know if I can give him what he wants.” Tears welled up once again as I rubbed my forehead.
“All he did was suggestmaybebuying a house andmaybemoving in with you someday. You guys have been together for a few months now. Was this the first time a future ever came up?”
“I guess it was. But he just left. Saying my forever is still with a ghost.”
Lots ofI love yousandyou're all minesgot tossed around, but anything about what plans we had together—never.
“Isn't it?”
I fell back into my chair, wiping away the sad sniffles that now morphed into pissed off tears.
“How can you say that? You of all people know how hard it was for me to start—”
“Why do you want to stay in your house, EJ?”
“Because,” I spit out, “it’s what I can afford; it's close to the school and to you. I'm used to it—”
“And it's where you lived with Jack. The China closet he built for you is there, along with all the flooring he laid in every room when you first moved in. You still have the fridge he loved so much. I remember when he used to give me crushed ice like it was gold in a cup.”
Kate and I shared a sad laugh. She was right. Jack was gone, but he still lived in that house. In every corner and crevice, there was a small piece of him.
“Granted, I think Nick had a knee-jerk reaction when you hesitated and should have at least let you explain. But look at it from his side. He's grown to love you and Jack, anyone with eyes can see that. And I know you love him, too. Both of you do. All he asked for was a maybe someday, and you panicked.”
When I moved on, I said I'd do it all the way. I took my rings off and gave what Nick and I had together a chance. But maybe I didn't give us a real chance. I couldn't plan for a maybe someday because part of me still held on to the past.
What if I was too late? What if he wouldn't let me explain?My chest constricted with panic.
Kate snickered. “So, my stubborn baby sister. It's not too late. Just call him, okay?”
“Stop reading my mind.” I let a smirk tip my lips.
“You're so easy to read. Even over the phone. Call you tomorrow, Polly Pocket.”
I hung up and rose from my seat when dizziness hit me like a wave. I plopped back into the chair as my stomach turned. I was about to be the next stomach virus on steroids victim.Wonderful.
I hoped to get home before the throwing up started. With my students, it came fast and furious. I made it to the end of Jack’s program and quickly ushered him through the school doors when I picked him up. I jumped in my car and started the engine, with Jack in my ear regaling me with all the cool things he did. I was an awful mother and didn’t register one single word he said.
Despite myself, I checked my phone to see if Nick had called or texted before pulling out of my parking spot. Nothing but my wallpaper of the three of us on New Year’s. Three beaming faces happy together. Life was simple and good. I tried not to imagine what I'd do if I really was too late.
