MY GRANDMOTHER HADthree weeks left in the nursing home she was staying in for rehab. I tried to see her twice a week, alternating with my sister, so someone was always here every day. However, I was dreading this visit and delayed it as much as I could.
I never got anything over on her. She always saw right through me, and even though I tried to put a little pep in my step as I strolled in, she wouldn’t miss the pathetic way I moped now. I missed Ellie so much it was driving me insane. Walking out of her house that night, away from her, seemed like the only thing to do. The best thing—for both of us. I’d always feared I could never have her the way I wanted, and the panic that spread across her face at the prospect of moving in with me someday was a hard-to-ignore confirmation. So why did it feel as if I had a gaping hole in my chest? The point I was trying so hard to make didn't seem to matter so much anymore.
“Well, well. Look who's here.” She straightened in bed with her brows knitted together.
“Sorry, Abuela.” I kissed her cheek and settled in the chair next to the bed. “I’ve been working a lot lately. Are you in pain?” I motioned to the ice packs resting on her hips.
“Nah, they think since I'm an old lady, I'm soft.Pfft.”
“I'm sure no one thinks that.” A laugh fell from my lips.
“I hope they do. I like surprising people. So . . . do you want to tell me the real reason you haven't been here?”
“Ellie and I broke up. I'm not the best company lately.” I shrugged and met her gaze.
“I see.” She nodded. “Why?”
“Because I'll never have her the way I want.” I narrowed my eyes as anger singed my words. The amount of time I spent resenting a dead man was ridiculous and infuriating. “For once, I decided not to torture myself.” I folded my arms and leaned back on the chair.
She crossed her arms, too. “So, you’re reallynotover Maddie, are you?”
“Overher. Yes. But I can't plan my life with someone else who only wants me for the moment. It's for the best.” I was trying to convince myself more than her. The pinching of my chest and rolling of my grandmother’s eyes was proof I was doing a shit job of it.
“Let me be honest with you.” She sighed. “I didn't like Maddie. She was nice enough but wouldn't go out of her way for anyone. Including you. She didn't look at you the way Ellie does.”
My brow furrowed as I shifted in my seat. “How does she look at me?”
“Like she lights up when she's close to you. Like you frustrate her, but she loves every minute of it. Like she lovesyou. Maddie wouldn't have sat in a hospital with you for an entire day waiting to hear about an old lady she only met twice. And I'm sure Maddie didn't cry for you like Ellie did to me yesterday.”
My head jerked up as my mouth fell open. “She cried to you? What?” I stammered.
She frowned and huffed at me. “You're surprised? For a smart man, you'reestupido. She usually comes to see me on Thursdays, and she called last week to say she wasn't feeling well. I pressed her, and she told me all about the house.” Her eyes narrowed into slits as she grunted.
Maybe I hurt Ellie more than I realized, and I never wanted that. I rested my elbows on my knees as I pinched the bridge of my nose. My grandmother reached over and pulled my hands away from my face.
“Sometimes, almost is all someone has to give. That could change for Ellie. Or it won't. But if you love her, are you really willing to spite yourself for the rest of your life?”
“I do love her. I love her more than I ever loved Maddie. Than I ever loved anyone. But—”
“Some people's almost is better than some people's all. Maddie gave you her all. How was that?” She arched an eyebrow.
I wanted it all with Ellie, and I didn't want to settle for anything less. But nothing at all? I’d never been this miserable, and it had only been two weeks. Thinking of a lifetime without her . . . I couldn't do it.
I rubbed my eyes as my breathing quickened with panic. My moment of clarity barreled over me. Shedidgive me everything. Everything she could. And like a petulant child who couldn't get his way, I threw it right back in her face.
“I need to . . .Shit. . . What did I do?” My head fell to my knees as my grandmother chuckled at me.
She rubbed my back and sucked her teeth like she did every time I got upset as a kid.
“You know what your problem is, Nicky?”
I lifted my head to meet the scowl on her face.
“You love too much.” She wagged her finger at me and shook her head. “It’s what’s good about you and what's bad about you. Me, Marilyn, David . . . your father . . . you think of us first and yourself last. You have a beautiful heart, Nicky. Why I always worried about you getting hurt, because the wrong kind of people take advantage of that.” She shook her head as she leaned forward. “Ellie is a wonderful girl, and she really does love you. But you loveherso much, you can't handle it.” She snickered and grabbed my hand. “But if you don't want to lose her,” she whispered. “You need to try.”
A smile slanted my lips as I nodded.
“Thanks, Abuela.” I stood from my seat and kissed her forehead. “I better go.”
