My sister would have laughed and called me “old man.” And that I was, at least for her. She was seven years younger than me, and where I’m all dark and full of grumpiness, she was light and full of happiness. We were polar opposites, but we bonded, at least for the years we got to spend together.
I used to watch her from afar, and not make my presence known when my parents were there, until she was older enough to pretend… or should I say lie about spending time with her friends while she was really with me.
I unlock my phone and pull up the latest message we exchanged. Halia’s voice fills the inside of the car, and another swell of emotion hits me hard.
“Hey you! Don’t be a stranger. Arianna and I miss you very much.”
I never got the chance to go and see her because a couple of days later she was gone. Forever lost.
I shouldn’t be driving because I’m shaking too much. Taking a cab would have been the best idea, but I needed space, my car, and the road ahead of me. My only safe and silent place right now.
I need peace.
I need Halia back.
I can’t take care of anyone, not even myself.
I can’t.
I look around in need of a few drinks, hoping they’ll help mask the hole I have inside me. That’s when I spot the sign for a bar, one I’ve never seen before.That tiny little place is calling me, telling me to leave my sorrow outside and come in to find a place to rest.
To find a place to forget, at least for a moment.
CHAPTER 2
Jay
Loud sounds coming from outside the apartment bring me to an awake state with a jump. I sit on the mattress waiting for the loud knocks to hit my door, for the wall to shake under the angry fists, until with trembling hands I’m forced to open the door and ask for forgiveness because I madehimwait.
When that doesn’t happen I relax against the wall, and pull my slim duvet over my body to repel the biting cold that makes my place an arctic space. We’re cannon fodder anyway, we’re expendable and only good for bringing in money.
I rub my eyes, trying to take away the tiredness of the life I live, but there’s not enough rubbing to make my life look any better than the shit it is.
I glance at the girly pink watch I’m wearing that’s glowing against my pale skin, to make sure we’re on time for our shift. If I press one of the buttons it illuminates and shows the different colours of the rainbow. I snuggle inside the sheet a little more to absorb as much heat as I can. I’ll be needing it tonight, when I’m on my knees on the freezing floor.
I’m not sure what I hate most—the moments when I’m at home and I can’t stop the memories from surfacing, or those moments when I’m at work and I’m so “used” that my body doesn’t feel like mine any longer. As if it ever was. Mine, I mean. Since I’ve been caught in this trap that my life has become, nothing has been mine.
Jeremy, my best friend, the only light I have in this darkness that my life is, stirs next to me, and I glance at him, noticing how skinny his body is and how tested his face looks.
We’re both fighting with teeth and claws to stay alive in a life that’s trying to kill us.
“Jay?” he says, pushing against me. I’m not sure if it’s because he’s cold or because of the need to feel safe. I wish I could keep him safe, but how can I do that for him when I can’t even do it for myself?
“Yeah?” I reply, hugging his huddled body closer to me. I need his closeness as much as he needs mine, maybe even more. I can’t survive alone like Jeremy did.
We’re all we have, and I’m going to stay so close to him, as if my life depends on it. It actually does depend on him being well, as much as this life allows it.
“I’m so tired and hungry.” Jeremy whines like a baby would, and pushes his face against my middle, making me squirm and chuckle. Jeremy hugs me tighter through the duvet, and I hug him back needing the closeness.
“Let’s go and have lunch,” I say, feeling as hungry as he is. “We can stop at Greggs.”
“Can we have a yummy and a latte?”
I’m sure I have enough for that in my pocket. If I don’t, I’ll buy less for me and make him happy. Then I’ll work more tonight to make that money up.
“Yeah. Let’s do that.” I would have preferred to use the money to get a hot shower, but a cold one will have to do. My stomach growls in agreement, and I smile when Jeremy chuckles.
We need some good in our lives, and I’m sure I look as skinny as Jeremy does. It’ll do us good to have some food in us.
