Her hate is like a living thing and it’s on me as if I’m wearing it, but after a few seconds, she moves away, and I’m able to breathe again.
“Halia, I’m going to do what you asked. I’ll do my best.” I bend down and place a kiss on her forehead, and whisper my last goodbye. “Love you, Ari. I’ll see you soon.” I squeeze her hand once more, and then I move along. I don’t look at anyone, but I hear their whispers as loud as if they’re screaming.
Once I’m outside I breathe again. I’ll be seeing my parents soon, but for now I need to stay away from them.
Later I’ll be celebrating my sister’s life, alone, but only after we place her six feet under. Only after I have to watch the coffin disappear. Right now, I need to be strong, I need to be here, and I need to show them that I’ll be taking care of what’s mine.
I take a short walk, trying to find the strength I need to go back inside.
“Haden, we’re starting.” There’s no trembling in her voice, no despair, no rage for whatever took her daughter away from her. Just that cold demeanour I’ve always hated.
I turn around and walk back in. I don’t reply or talk to her, because for me she doesn’t exist anymore, not since the day she stood in the living room next to my dad, while together they told me to leave the only house I’d ever known and to never come back.
“Haden?”
I turn around as I try to push the past away to concentrate on the present. I don’t usually wallow in the memories of my time at home, because there’s nothing I can change. I have a life, one I’m proud of, and I won’t allow them to ruin it.
I acknowledge her, and I walk inside, because today is not about me. Today is about saying goodbye to the best person I’ve ever known… Halia.
The music is already playing, and a soft smile reaches my lips when I hear one of Ed Sheeran’s songs playing. Halia was mad about this singer, and I love… loved my sister enough to endure these honey-dripping songs.
I take my place in the front row. My parents may not consider me family, but Halia was and always will be my sister, the only family I ever needed after my parents threw me away.
I fight back my tears with teeth and claws, but by the time the first song is over, I’ve lost my battle. I sob like a kid who’s lost his favorite toy, devastated by it. I don’t care if people judge me. They’re nothing to me.
When it’s my turn to say a few words, I take the time to dry and clean my face, and to allow my pain-muddled brain to find the words to express how much I love her and how much I’m going to miss her.
My dad steps in front of me when I’m ready to talk, and I stop, waiting to see what he’ll do.
“We don’t want you here,” he says, not worrying about people hearing him.
I hate Father a bit more now, because he could have avoided this, this worthless expression of hate that doesn’t bring peace to anyone. I hate that he doesn’t have respect for my sister. His daughter.
“Though shit, if it were your funeral I wouldn’t have bothered to be here.” I keep my tone down only becauseIdon’t want to disrespect my sister. I wish I could enjoy his fuming face, but the sadness inside me doesn’t allow any other feeling to stick.
I walk past him and reach the lectern. Once I’m there I look around the room without seeing any of the people there. What I’m seeing is my sister and I when we were younger. She followed me around as if I was a light in a dark night. I loved seeing her trying to do everything I did, and screaming in joy when she succeeded.
I was the quiet one, and she was the queen of the stage. I’m going to miss her so damn much.
I share a few memories of us together, but what I really want is to pay tribute to her memory in my own way. I want to celebrate the love we shared without any haters around.
I go back to my seat and tune everything out, and I talk to her in my mind.
“I love you sis. I’ll do everything I can to make you proud.”
“You already did,” says her voice inside my head, and even if I’m sure it’s my imagination, I want to believe she’s still here with me and that she is proud of me.
I leave as soon as the casket is no longer visible, as the fresh soil takes over. I don’t look back, because there’s nothing I’m leaving behind. My sister will always be with me.
Time to find a drinking hole so I can pay homage to the person I loved more than anyone else.
Tomorrow, I’ll be back to being a responsible human being and do my best to fulfill my sister’s last wish.
I jump inside my car and my hands around the steering wheel. They’re trembling, as my body is, with the need to scream…Return my sister to me!Not even the day I lost everything was as devastating as losing my sister.
I drive aimlessly, not really seeing the road in front of me, memories of us together filling my head and making my heart ache even more for the loss. When my eyes once again fill with tears, I stop the car, and the empty road is a blurred mirror of what my life is at this moment. I rest my head on my hands still wrapped around the steering wheel.
I look for a tissue inside my pocket when I’m finally able to control my emotions. My fingers bump against my phone and I pull it out together with the handkerchief.
