Chapter Twenty-nine
Once everything was back in my apartment, I grabbed the old bottle of Vodka in the back of my cabinet and started drinking. I wanted the pain to go away, even if just for a moment. I had just lost something that was precious to me. A future I hadn’t even imagined I would have wanted. Now that future was shattered. I lay on my couch and let the sorrow take me into the darkness.
I woke up at my normal time, feeling like shit. My feet shuffled me into the bathroom to clean up, at least on the outside. I had a business to run, and even though I wanted to sit and sulk in my apartment, I couldn’t.
I kept busy doing little things here and there, and at the end of the day I went back home. I ate until my body couldn’t move and then watched TV. I was depressed, plain and simple. I would go through the cycle of emotions—feeling horrible, then crying, then hating myself, then missing Jake. It had only been a day and I missed him so much I could barely breath. His smile, his witty banter with me, the way he cuddled me at night. Which made me go through another round of sobs, because I chose a life without him. Turned out I was right from the beginning. We didn’t work.
A week went by in a blur of going through the motions, pigging out in front of the television, and crying buckets of tears. I guess my eyes were making up for all those years of never crying. You would have thought my ducts would have dried up or rusted by now. While I was finishing the episode of my new favorite TV show,Lucifer, someone knocked on my door.
Hope sprang inside me that it would be Jake on the other side, but I knew it wouldn’t be. He couldn’t choose me over his rescue, and I wouldn’t want him to.
“Open up, Cammy.” Rayne’s voice filtered through the door. I looked around my apartment and sighed. It looked like shit. My luggage from staying at Jake’s house was still by the door. Clothes littered the floor and there were food wrappers everywhere. I had never been this person, and I never wanted to be. But now that I was, I didn’t care to change it. Wearing sweatpants and one of Jake’s Henley shirts that I stole, I got up and opened the door.
“Oh dear God, what is that smell?” Rayne gagged. I took a shower this morning, so I knew it wasn’t me, but maybe I had become nose blind to my apartment.
“Get out.” She pulled me out of the apartment and closed the door behind her.
“What the hell, Rayne?” I complained. She took a couple breaths and sniffed the air in the complex hallway. Seeming satisfied with the smell, she looked at me and her eyes were wide as she took in my appearance.
“What’s your middle name?” she blurted out frantically. She placed her hands on my shoulders and looked right into my eyes.
“Renee.” I rolled my eyes.
“What is our favorite thing to eat together?” She kept up the inquisition.
“Pizza, Rayne. Why the hell are you asking me stupid questions in the hallway of my apartment?” I flailed out of her hold on my shoulders. I hadn’t talked to her since she and Arson had come to visit the rescue, which now that I was thinking about it, was probably the reason why she was here. Which she confirmed.
“I hadn’t heard from you since we were at the rescue, and your apartment stinks. My pregnancy nose can’t handle it unless you want me to barf all over your living room.” She pointed a finger at me, as if I was in trouble. I just shrugged.
“Cammy, what happened? This is not like you at all.” Her face was full of concern. I wanted to vomit out the words but I wasn’t ready yet.
“Remember when you cut things off with Arson, and I was there for you? No explanations, nothing? That’s what I need. I don’t want to talk about it right now. I want to sit on my couch, watch my show, and eat my Chinese food. I feel like shit, I’m on my period, and I’m an emotional wreck.” I watched as her face turned from concern to sadness. She knew at least some of what I was feeling. Not all of it, but she had hit this point in her life when she was devastated, and all she could do was cry and go through the motions. Almost every night I stayed with her and was there for her. Her devastation ended when Arson fixed their problems. Mine couldn’t be fixed. You couldn’t make someone be somebody that they weren’t.
“Ok, well, can you at least make your apartment smell a little better and I will be there for you, like you were for me?” She gave me those puppy dog eyes and I huffed a bit, but when I went back into my apartment, I threw away some food wrappers, opened a window and lit some candles. Hopefully that would help. I didn’t want her to be sick. She came into my apartment, but didn’t barf right away, so we figured she no longer would need a hazmat suit.
Together we watched more episodes ofLucifer, and pigged out together. She was pregnant, and I was depressed. Together we were the devourers of food. She spent the night with me, but had to leave in the morning to meet Arson for breakfast. I knew how I was acting was unhealthy, but I couldn’t get out of it.
Another week passed and I was starting to feel a tiny bit better. I didn’t cry every night for hours. Maybe only like two.
“We are going out tonight, no buts. I’ll drag you out by your red hair if I have to.” Mary barged into my office. I looked at her and nodded. I could go out. Maybe it would be good for me. She looked taken aback that I agreed to go, but then pointed her finger at me with a serious expression on her face.
“Get your ass in my chair, we are going to pamper you up, then you’re going to go home, put on a pretty dress and stellar heels. I will have Rayne pick you up at eight. We’ve got five hours. Move it!” She was like a parent yelling at her child. Hitler mommy. Having no fight in me, I turned off my computer that I was just staring at anyway, and sat in her chair. She gave me a light trim, and wrapped my hair up high. I was then pushed into one of the massage rooms, given a treatment which was sort of painful since I was so tense, but it still felt good. Then I was given a pedi and mani. Red polish. A powerful color. They were trying to get me to buck up. Mary put me back in her chair and began to style my hair straight. My hair always looked so long this way, but I hadn’t had the time prior to my auto pilot like state to work it.
“Get home. Rayne will be there to get you in a bit.” I felt like a sheep being herded by a dog. I was never truly one to take orders; only Jake could make me do things like that. It made me feel worse that I wasn’t myself. I wanted to change, I wanted to forget the pain of losing Casey, and giving up Jake. As soon as I got home, I really tried hard to bring back the happy, spirited Cammy that I always saw in the mirror. But I failed. A part of me was broken, and until I was put back together, I wouldn’t be the same woman. Once I finished getting ready, I looked in the mirror and saw the Cammy everyone else knew. They would have to be satisfied with that. Rayne knocked on my door a few moments later.
“Is it safe to come in? I’m feeling extra smell sensitive today.” I opened the door, and tried to smile.
“The apartment is stank free.” She walked in and took a whiff. I had cleaned up a bit, in my attempt to feel better.
“You look better, but are you actually doing better?” She looked me over but saw right through my put-together exterior. I shrugged.
“Not really. I’m broken and I don’t see me being fixed anytime soon. Give me some time.” It was the best answer I could give her. Time. Hopefully time would do as they say and heal all. We walked down to her car and she drove us to Jackie D’s. As we pulled in the parking lot, I wanted to tell her to take me home. Asia got out of the car, I was reliving my memories with Jake, and how this all started. It was here that he threw down his intent to chase me and that he was my alpha. It was here that I sang karaoke to him and passed out, landing me at his house, and losing that stupid bet.
Both Mary and Rayne tried to get me to cheer up, but being here was beginning to be too much. “I need some air. Alone,” I told them, and started walking out the back towards the beach. Taking my shoes off, I walked to the water’s edge. There was no one around and I finally let a few tears fall that had been brimming in my eyes since I got to the bar. I sat on the sand, even in my pretty dress, and tried to calm myself. I needed to break free from this pain. I was hurting so much, and I didn’t want the sorrow anymore. I felt someone behind me, and turned quickly. I may have been out of my mind but I didn’t want to die on the beach because I wasn’t paying attention. I had to squint a little to see whom the figure silhouetted by the bar’s lights was, but when it registered, I felt like crying all over again.
