“I’m so sorry for everything, Casey. So sorry for those evil people that took you from your mother. That set this fate into motion. They forced you to be a prop for their own greed and selfish needs. They made it so you never really had a chance. You escaped one death only to be taken by another.” I was crying my heart out to the sweet girl.
“I’m glad I got to see you enjoy your life for those few weeks. I hope there is a tiger heaven with lots of land, and things for you to chase. You’d like that.” I sniffed.
“I’m so sorry, Casey,” I apologized, weeping. Hoping somewhere in there, it would register what I was saying. I wished things were different. I touched her fur one last time. My eyes closed, and I whispered the words that I never wanted to say.
“Goodbye, sweet cub.”
I stood there and watched as the doctors came back into the room and put a syringe into the IV tubing and pressed the medicine through the line. I watched as her chest wheezed and, finally, she took her last breath.
I crumpled to the floor. My heart was broken. The only animal I had ever loved had been taken. It was like someone had ripped a hole in my chest. I sobbed and Jake scooped me into his arms, taking me away from the lifeless little striped body on the table. My wails of a painful heart could be heard throughout the rescue as he took me back to the lodge. I couldn’t move; I couldn’t breathe. Why did this happen? She had suffered enough in her little life. She was supposed to grow big and strong.
I cried in Jake’s arms on the couch for what seemed like hours. I was devastated.
He didn’t say anything to me. He simply held me. I’m sure he’d been through this many times, but I hadn’t. I didn’t want to feel like this ever again. My mind turned dark as I started drowning in the sadness of losing something so close to my heart. I sat up from Jake and started to stand. I had to get out of here. I had to leave this rescue. No one could escape death, not even those who had already suffered. I wasn’t made to deal with this much emotion. My throat felt like it was closing and I was struggling to breath. I couldn’t live my life dealing with constant suffering and pain. It just wasn’t in me. I was safer in my old life, before the rescue. Before Jake.
“Cammy. What are you doing?” Jake was looking at me like he was scared to make a move. Scared to spook me. But he was too late. I was already spooked.
“I can’t do this.” The words flew from my lips on a whisper. The tears were coming back in full force when he realized what I had said. I was leaving. For good.
“You can. You’re strong. We can make it through together, Cammy. Just give it time.” He slowly got up and I took a step back, shaking my head. I wasn’t strong enough for this heartbreak.
“I can’t, Jake.” He looked pained when I whispered the words again. I hated that I was hurting him. But I needed it all to end. The pain, the future heartbreak. I couldn’t handle it. I’d rather be alone.
“I can’t leave them, Cammy.” He knew my mind was made, and we both knew this was the end. They needed him. This rescue needed him. He did so many wonderful things for them. But there was always a chance for things to go wrong. A chance I couldn’t take anymore.
“I know.” This was it. I couldn’t look at his face…the devastation was clear. Taking a deep breath, I wiped the tears under my eyes and turned to gather my things. I heard the door slam as I started packing. I hated what I was doing to him. But I would hate myself even more if we moved in together, got married, had children, and then I broke. This life was not my life. I dragged my stuff out and packed Bambi. I didn’t see Jake as I sat in my car and started the engine. I didn’t blame him. I had shattered his heart and there was nothing he could do. This wasn’t a life you could force someone to accept. I closed the door and saw him pull up on the ATV. Watching me.
I lifted a hand in a halfhearted farewell, and he gave me a head bow. Our final goodbye. I drove out of that rescue, leaving my broken heart on the porch surrounded by the sounds of the wild.
