Years ago, I’d call the police with every message but they soon tired of me. They followed them all up but every one of them turned out to be nothing. I can’t call them again. Hearing the pity in their voices as they offer me numbers of helplines for bereavement charities merely makes me angry. I don’t want their pity again so I won’t call them. I realised a long time ago that I’m alone. Jess is nothing to them. She’s a closed case. Besides, the messenger hasn’t given me anything of any use.
No, I’ll sit on the message and see if I get another and if I do and it looks convincing, I’ll follow it up myself. At least I’ll do a proper job. Jess deserves that. The article runs through my mind. I wonder if my dad has read it yet. I take a deep breath as I gaze across the pool again. I need to forget the message and the article for now.
I try to fill my head with more positive thoughts. It’s the only way I’ll get through the rest of my shift. I’ll be finishing work soon and I can’t wait to pick the girls up. They’re always ecstatic to see me. My muscles twitch with anticipation. I want to hold them and ask them how their day was. I hope they had a lovely time but I also hope that they missed me and tell me that they’d rather be with me all day. The more I toil about that message, the more I think of my girls and how much I need to be with them all the time. Maybe I could tell them to tell Daddy that they want me to be at home all the time. No, I stop that train of thought. If I carry on the way I have been, I will definitely lose him and I don’t want that to happen. We’ve been a bit divided lately. He wants me to loosen up as a parent, focus on getting a life of my own back and I want to keep a closer eye on the girls. It was easy when they were babies, but now they run off when we’re out. They hide in our large garden and they keep asking if they can go to friends’ houses, but all I want is to keep them within my line of sight. Even just the thought of all that is giving me palpitations.
I inhale, taking in the smell of chlorine, feeling sweat beads forming at my brow. The chatter is dying down as some people have left for the changing rooms. I glance at the pool where one of my mothers is smiling at her baby, little Jake. She throws him in the air, and then she catches him. His giggles are a delight to watch.
As the other parents leave the pool, cradling their babies, I smile. Only the one woman still remains waist high in the water. Everyone loves baby swim and I’m really starting to relax into my job more. Seeing the little ones gurgle and laugh brings me a sense of joy that I didn’t know I could feel.
The tiniest baby lies in the arms of a muscular man and I smile as the baby reaches for his beard and begins tugging his hair. Sadness washes over me because all I can think about is my own children – again. I’m obsessed, I know I am, but I can’t help it. I’d still rather be at home than here, working.
I hear a scream, then I see the woman splashing in the water with her baby. Without a second thought I dive straight in to the deep end and swim towards them. I can’t see. I reach around for the infant and miss. For a flash of a moment, I see Jessica’s fine baby hair and that red hat, the only thing left behind. Everything seems dark now, like I’m being whirled in the water and weed is gathering around my ankles pulling me deeper. I jolt back into action and come up shaking. I can’t let this baby down, not like I did Jessica. My heart pounds as I reach out and snatch the little one in my arms.
I can’t stop shaking and I hold the baby closely, fearing that I might drop him or I’ll slip. For a second, I thought that the baby might die and it would be my fault. If I’d had my eye on the pool instead of being consumed with my own thoughts, I’d have been in there quicker. A tear builds up in my eye but the water dripping off me conceals it as it bursts and runs down my cheek.
‘What the hell are you doing?’ The mother snatches baby Jake from me and holds him to her chest.
‘He was drowning. You shouted. I saw—’ The eye sees what it wants to see. I realise what I’ve done.
‘We were playing and you scared the life out of us.’
Baby Jake begins to bawl, his face getting redder with every piercing scream.
‘Playing. I’m so sorry. I just heard you scream and—’
‘And you didn’t think to look.’ She stroked her baby’s head. ‘It’s okay, Jake. Shush.’
I had Jess on my mind but I couldn’t tell her that. Glancing around, the muscular man shakes his head and leaves. The woman gets out of the pool bouncing Jake on her hip, grabs her towel and heads towards the changing rooms, shaking her head and muttering to herself.
‘I’m sorry,’ I call again but it makes no difference. She tuts and hurries away. I can still hear the baby bawling his eyes out from here. What have I done?
As I reached into that water, I saw Jessica. It was as if I’d entered another world, one where I had a chance of saving her. But then… it wasn’t her. Tears slip down my cheeks. If Jake had died, or I hadn’t been able to reach him on time… Swallowing, I wipe my face. That didn’t happen. In fact, all the upset had been my fault.
If only someone had done that for Jessica. If only I could have saved my sister.
As I close my eyes to get my breath back. I imagine jumping into a bottomless ocean, so vast that it would be impossible to find anything or anyone. It’s not blue like people always imagine. It’s more like the waves have disturbed the seabed. Sand and grit are coming at me from all angles. Through the murkiness, I see my baby sister and the more I swim towards her, the further away she gets.
‘Kate.’ Nadine, the receptionist, is standing at the door. ‘Oh, Kate. What happened?’
I go to talk but instead I sob. Nadine runs over, her hair escaping into my sodden eyes as she hugs me even though I’m soaked through and smell of chlorine. ‘Come on, sweetie. It’s all going to be fine.’
‘It’s not going to fine. I’m in such big trouble. What have I done?’ Gripping her arm, I’m so thankful that she’s here. I want to tell her about the message I received and the article, but she doesn’t know the significance of today.
‘Erm, Kate.’ Brett stands at the door and Nadine releases me. ‘Boss told me to step in. He wants to see you in his office.’
I swallow, knowing that I’m in huge trouble. My manager won’t care one bit about my personal life, not when the safety of our customers depends on me being present. I lost concentration in a job where losing concentration can cost lives, and now I have to accept the consequences.
THREE
KATE
I hurry out of my manager’s office in my soaking wet clothes before bursting into tears. The woman made a complaint and I have been issued with a first warning. From now on, I get to stay behind a desk, booking people in, while Mr Croft decides what to do with me.
‘Kate, what happened?’ Nadine brushes down her smart grey hotel-issued suit and furrows her brows.
‘I got a warning.’
‘Kate, everyone here has had a warning at some point. Croft is a miserable git. You misread a situation but better to jump in and help than to sit back and wait.’ Her concerned smile warms me slightly. At least she’s on my side. She’s trying to make me feel better but I also appreciate that Croft was right. I should have had my mind on the job. ‘Come through to the back, you look like you need a drink.’
