She leads me through to the office behind reception, then she flicks the kettle on. I remain standing, not wanting to dampen her chair, and check my phone while she spoons some coffee into the cups.
‘Are you okay?’
What am I meant to say? I’m dwelling on a message about my dead baby sister. My dad knew that an article was going to be published today, on the anniversary of her death, and he failed to tell me. Should I mention that I spend all day anxious about my children? That I think the nursery will lose Millie or that Rosie will escape from school. I want to be with them all day, all of the time. I trust myself and I trust Damien to look after them. If anyone else were to look after them, I’d feel like my insides were churning. ‘I will be. I just want to forget today. I feel like such an idiot.’
‘You’re definitely not an idiot.’ She places the hot steaming drink in front of me.
‘I totally lost it and I don’t know how I messed up so badly.’
‘It can happen to the best of us.’
‘And now I’m on desk and cleaning duties. I’m going to spend all my time picking up dirty plasters from the changing rooms and checking people into the pool, and I’ll never get another job.’ I realise I’ve gone off on one.
‘Just keep your head down and it’ll all blow over. I’m sure you won’t be picking up plasters forever.’
‘Thank you.’ I’ve only spoken to Nadine a few times but I like talking to her. I open my phone again and she catches sight of my screen saver.
‘Aww, they’re gorgeous. How old?’
‘Four and five.’
‘Lovely ages. Wait until they turn into teens. My two spend all day hating me and glued to Minecraft. Hold on to them for as long as you can. Are they enjoying school?’
Nodding, I take a sip of coffee. ‘Yes. Rosie started primary in September and Millie is in the nursery class still.’ I stop talking and stare at the floor.
‘I can tell there’s more bothering you. You know how good I am at listening.’
‘How did you feel when yours started school or nursery?’
Nadine let out a snort followed by a little laugh. ‘It broke my heart into a million pieces. With each of them, I cried like a baby.’ She pauses and looks at me. ‘Then I realised that they were having the time of their lives. They’ll be playing with other children all day, getting tired out so you can enjoy some downtime at night, and I hate to say it but they’re probably not missing you. My little terrors didn’t even want to come home when I picked them up. Ungrateful gits.’ She shrugs. ‘I don’t think I’ve asked you this before but what got you into swimming?’
‘In my teens, I swam for my school and I loved the thrill of the race. I have a few medals. I trained as a swimming teacher. It’s all I ever wanted to do and now I’ve ruined my career.’
Damien had encouraged me to take up swimming again and I did for awhile when I was teaching the girls. I remember them kicking their legs while holding on to the pool gutter. Within weeks, they progressed from using the pool noodle to doing the doggy paddle. At their young ages, both can now do breaststroke and front crawl. They will never drown, I have made sure of that.
Nadine places a hand on my back and tilts her head. ‘It’ll all be okay. No one was hurt and you haven’t blown it. Things will feel better in the morning after you’ve slept on it. If you had really put any lives at risk, he’d have sacked you. All you did was startle a mother. No harm done.’ She paused and smiled. ‘A swimming pro. I should have known, I mean look at you.’ Her sleek black hair falls forward as she points. ‘Those arms, I can tell they have strength. Not like mine.’ She lifts hers up and wobbles the flesh just below her blouse sleeve. ‘I jiggle and I can tell you don’t. I see the way you lift those crates of towels and I totally covert your toned legs, but I covert cake more.’
‘You’re funny.’ Nadine does cheer me up.
‘I know. I’m definitely the funniest person in this building so if you want to have a laugh, always sit with me at lunchtimes.’
I know I’m frowning as the tension in my forehead is a clue. I should leave her office and take a shower before I head out to pick the girls up.
‘Have I upset you?’
‘No, sorry. It’s me.’ I blurt it out. ‘My sister drowned, twenty-five years ago today. My mind was on that while I was watching the pool. She was only a baby.’
Nadine tilts her head. ‘I’m so sorry. That’s why you learned to swim so well.’
‘And that’s why I can’t bear my children being out of my sight. Leaving them kills me every day but I have to try to make things normal for them.’ I shake my head and force a smile, hoping that I haven’t said too much. ‘Look at me with my pity party. I’ve only been here a few weeks and I’m already sharing my life’s misery with you.’ Shaking my head, I smile.
‘I know what will help. Cake. I know there’s a stash in the cupboard. Chocolate or carrot? Say carrot and we can’t be friends. Vegetables don’t belong in cake.’ She turns around to rummage through the snack cupboard. Crisps and packets of biscuits begin to fall out.
‘What’s the time?’
Nadine checks her watch. ‘Almost three-thirty.’
‘Damn.’ I grab my keys and bag. ‘I’m late picking the girls up. I have to go.’
