Physical closeness.
The change comes one day near the end of March.
One of my videos hits seventy thousand views, and we celebrate it in my room.
We put on some music, eat pizza, sip our sodas, and at one point Alex suddenly steps into the middle of the room and starts doing this ridiculous monkey dance, goofing around, and I feel this need to let some of that energy out of myself too, so I get up with him and for the first time in my life I let myself dance, which feels incredibly strange, as if I have to crack through some kind of shell wrapped tight around my body.
We jump around together and dance, and it’s not exactly a refined performance, but it brings me a surprising amount of relief.
My eyes fall on Alex, his cheeks flushed and his gaze bright like a night sky full of violet stars, and he’s taken his glassesoff so I’m looking directly into his eyes without anything in between. His full lips are stretched into a smile as he hums along, and Alex actually has a pretty good voice but he’s way too shy to ever use it for anything musical. Only right now he’s loosening up, and at one point he grabs my hand and urges me to spin him, guiding me into some funny moves with him.
I do it because why not, but he twirls so fast he must get a little dizzy, because a moment later he falls toward me and I catch him. The moment his body presses into mine feels like some kind of revelation, something muffled inside me pushing to the surface.
My heart speeds up, Alex lifts his head, still laughing, still thinking this is just fooling around, but then he sees my face change.
And that’s when it bursts out of me.
"I want you to be my boyfriend so badly, but I don’t know if you’d want someone like me. An alpha who’s damaged."
Alex goes completely still. We’re still pressed into each other and he’s tucked against my stomach with his head tipped back, and our height difference makes the whole position almost ridiculous, but it doesn’t stop us from staring into each other’s eyes.
"Bay, oh Bay… I’ve been dreaming about being your boyfriend since the first week we met, and not once, not for a second, have I stopped wanting that," Alex blurts out, his voice breaking.
His eyes fill with tears. "I love you, with all my heart, Bay. You’re my angel, my protector, someone who made the ultimate sacrifice to keep me safe. How could you even think there exists a reality where I wouldn’t want to be with you? With someone so good?"
My heart hammers harder. I sink onto the bed, and because we’re now at the same height when I’m sitting, Alex’s face linesup with mine. I struggle with myself, with my emotions, with shame and memories and everything I’ve been dragging behind me, and finally I force the words out.
"Thank you for being here, Alex… for staying by my side, for helping me keep some kind of normal life. You’re the center of normalcy, you’re the quiet in the middle of the storm."
Alex’s eyes flicker down to my mouth. A moment of silence falls between us.
"Bay… that night at the Halloween party, you kissed me and I started to believe something might happen between us, but then that nightmare unfolded and everything fell apart," Alex whispers. "Tell me why you kissed me then."
I let out a bitter huff. "Because… that’s exactly why. I wanted to ask you to be my boyfriend… but then I lost any faith that you could ever want me after what happened."
Alex cups my face in his hands. "I don’t understand how you can think that. You’re an amazing guy. That’s what matters to me. How good you are to me, how caring you are. Those are the things that matter. Everything else… is meaningless. Well. And you’re impossibly beautiful on top of that."
I battle with myself, looking at his mouth, those pretty lips, perfectly shaped, soft and pink, and for a moment I remember feeling them against mine twice already and wanting so badly to feel them a third time, to forget everything and just exist inside the warmth of being close to him. Alex lowers his head very slowly, clearly giving me time to pull away. For a split second I want to, but then I choose courage.
Our lips brush gently, so different from anything I’ve felt before when someone else’s body was too close to mine, this is warm and sweet and soft and addictive. My hands rest on his narrow waist and I pull him a little closer, his stomach pressing to my chest as our lips stay connected, shy at first and then a little braver. Our tongues graze and a strange shiver shootsthrough me, and I desperately want to push him away but I force myself to stay, because I’m in a controlled environment, in my own room, nothing bad can happen here, so I try to keep a grip on my own nervous system.
But it isn’t easy when everything inside me trembles with panic.
Another person’s body pressed against mine has only ever meant pain, but this is Alex, it’s Alex, and I have to repeat that to myself, remind myself. His hands rest at the back of my head and on my neck, his slim body pressing tightly into mine.
And then I feel it… something pushing against my stomach, something that wasn’t there a few seconds ago.
A wave of emotion, strong and sudden, explodes inside me. I tear my mouth from his and roll backward on the bed, putting space between us. Alex’s face is bright red as he quickly sits at the edge of the bed, like he’s trying to hide what I just felt.
"Sorry…" I mutter, as heat rushes to my cheeks, feeling like absolute shit.
"You don’t have anything to apologize for. I’m sorry if, you know, I was a bit too…" he trails off, just as red as I am.
"It’s just because, you know, your body, your muscles, you’re so strong and you’re so big and all that, you know, sorry…" Alex stammers, and then waves his hands like he’s suddenly aware he said too much.
"It’s fine, it’s just… I’d rather take smaller steps," I manage, lowering my voice, feeling like an idiot.
"Of course," Alex says right away, curling a little on the edge of the bed, probably trying to make sure I don’t see anything that might reveal his arousal.
