And in the next second I realize that if I don’t fix this, things might get awkward between us, so I force myself to say, "But I really want you to be my boyfriend, Alex, I really do… I just want it all to go slowly."
Alex breaks into a wide smile.
"Oh Bay, I’ve wanted this for so long, of course I’ll be your boyfriend, and it’s totally fine, we’ll just let everything unfold gradually," he makes a small soothing gesture with his hand, "at whatever pace works for you."
I nod, unsure, feeling foolish, like some fragile case that needs careful handling, but this is my reality. I have to match my wants to my abilities, and I know I’m not ready to take things any further yet.
But I want to, because I want to be normal like other teenagers.
That day, after Alex goes home, for the first time since what happened in the grove, I decide to jerk off. Just like Ennio advised, I build a nice, romantic fantasy with a certain person at the center. It takes me a long time to break through something inside my head, but I understand that this is part of healing, so I decide not to give up. I force myself to push through the feeling of not deserving. Focusing on physical pleasure is my goal, and I follow it through. Success comes sweet and liberating. I don’t have to grieve everything forever. Not anymore.
???
So, March officially becomes the month that marks the beginning of my relationship with Alex.
My parents take the news with joy, and to my surprise even Alex’s dad seems genuinely pleased.
Around the same time I pick up my driver’s license, and with the money I earn from my channel I buy my first, still kinda crappy car, which gives me a huge sense of independence.
Now I can visit Gurco several times a week to continue my training, and if anyone thinks I have forgotten about my revenge, they would be seriously mistaken.
Over the next two months I gradually put my plan together. I learn where the Hanstons live, the layout of their houses. I find out where their whole damn clan goes to clubs, I learn where they work, and where they go to school.
Sometimes in the evenings I sneak out of the house and head to the bars they frequent, watching them from a distance.
My plan builds slowly, but steadily, and I decide I will do it a few days after the end of the school year.
I even call Ennio and tell him about my strategy, and he approves it, saying it has a real chance of working.
But as it turns out, Fate forces my hand in an unexpected way…
Ever since I got my own car, I’m the one driving Alex home from school every day.
Soon after, I head toward the city center, on my way to my lessons with Gurco.
My route runs for a stretch along the coast, beside a line of picturesque sea cliffs.
I like driving that way because the beautiful views let me escape the grim thoughts about my fate and the endless planning of future killings.
As I approach one of the sharp curves, a sudden rush of emotion hits me and I notice something I’ve already seen a few times before…
A strange dark wave of energy gliding toward me and wrapping around my body.
I glance in the rearview mirror and with horror see a car speeding straight at me, clearly aiming to slam into my back right as I’m entering the curve, which could mean flying off the road and plunging down the cliff.
I have literally a split second to make a decision. I jerk the wheel violently to the left and the car that tried to hit me misses me by mere inches.
But because they’re going so fast, they struggle to brake, slamming into the guardrail at the edge of the road.
I see them through the open window. It’s Kit, Doug, and Neville.
My heart beats so fast I can barely hear anything else, its pounding drowning out every sound.
And again I have only a split second to choose.
I’m currently in the left lane, but I swing back to the right, pick up speed, and slam into the back of the brothers’ car, pushing them forward with force.
The guardrail finally gives way and their car rolls down the nearly two-hundred-foot cliff, hitting the coastal rocks and then sliding off them before dropping into the deep water.
