Alex’s amethyst eyes meet mine with something that feels like sad resignation, an understanding that I won’t let whatever is between us shift or move any further.
Before, I was honestly convinced he was planning to negotiate, maybe try to change my mind, try to talk me out of this, but I’m proven absolutely wrong. I guess he correctly senses how desperate I am to keep things exactly as they are.
Alex nods slowly and says quietly,
"You’re right, this happens a lot. Even my dad went through something like that. I talked to him about it recently. Years ago he met a guy he became really close with, they understood each other so well, everything was going great, and then one day something more happened between them. And it was a mistake. Soon after that my dad lost a long-time friend, because it wasn’t the right path for them. They couldn’t handle the new closeness."
"You talked to your dad about us?" I ask softly, dropping my gaze from his face to his hands, still tightly clenched around his inhaler. He has light blue nail polish on his nails.
"Yes. Dad asked me many times if something was going on between us. He probably feared that… you know, something might be happening when we lock ourselves in your room." Alex blushes intensely as he says it.
"But I told him there’s nothing like that happening, and I think it was hard for him to believe, because he kept bringing it up from time to time, asking if I was hiding anything, asking me to be completely honest with him. I think he even talked to your dad once about it to see if your parents had any suspicions, but they just confirmed my words."
I stay quiet, shocked, because I realize our relationship is no longer just between me and Alex. It has become a widely discussed topic between several people.
I feel strange about it, a bit foolish even, but what could I possibly say?
Alex watches me and adds in a careful tone,
"Even recently we talked about it and Dad told me that it’s actually not a bad thing that we understand each other so well as friends, that we’re support for each other, and that it could all change if…" Alex makes a small gesture in the air between us, "you know. If something more happened."
I swallow and speak through a tight throat,
"Yes. That’s what I’m afraid of, and I don’t want that to happen, ever."
Alex nods and suddenly we have some kind of understanding between us, a silent agreement to continue the status quo.
But the problem is, I know, I just know, why he said it that way.
Alex doesn’t want to risk being rejected and creating an awkward situation between us.
He prefers to pretend that we keep this distance because we care so much about staying best friends, but I can feel it in my bones, that’s not everything he actually wants.
And in the very next sentence he proves it.
"But you know, just to be clear, I don’t think I’m above your league. If anything it’s the opposite, you’re the hottest guy in the whole school. Believe me, I see how all the omegas stare at you."
I squeeze my eyes shut for a second, fighting a wave of panic.
"I am not. Stop saying that!"
My voice cracks slightly as I throw the words out.
Something like a faint frown or a hint of impatience passes across Alex’s face.
"I don’t get why you think that way about yourself, why you have such low self-worth. You’re talented, and really handsome…"
His words hit something inside me that refuses to accept them. I get up abruptly and walk to the window, muttering under my breath,
"I’m garbage."
Alex bolts up and rushes to me.
His slender fingers settle on my shoulder and I feel that light, unbearably pleasant shiver that always washes over me when he touches me.
It doesn’t happen often, usually by accident, a brush of a hand, our shoulders bumping, but every time it’s like I’m skimming the edge of heaven. My breath catches in my chest.
I look at him, blinking, feeling soft pearly bubbles rising inside me as if they lift me off the ground for a moment. My Fate, what would happen if I hugged him? If I pulled his small body into mine? I’d probably float away, explode into pink glitter.
