But I force myself back down to earth. I look into Alex’s eyes. They’re filled with tears and with an absolute protest against my words. He tightens his grip on my forearm and gives me a little shake, like he wants to rattle the stupid thoughts out of me.
"Don’t ever say that. I forbid you to say that. It’s absolutely nothing like the truth, because you are smart and good and wonderful and caring and talented and beautiful."
He says it with so much passion, so much conviction, and I know he means it, but… he doesn’t know my truth. A year ago I let myself die, I let myself fall, and I don’t want to get up, because getting up would mean facing my inner demons, really facing them, and I’m not ready for that.
I stare at Alex’s sweet face, at those big eyes looking at me with such devotion, trying to convince me, trying to save me from myself, and I realize that if there is anyone in this world who could save me… it’s Alex.
But first I would have to want to be saved.
So I only smile a little and say lightly,
"You’re the best friend anyone could ever have, Alex. I love you, you know?"
Alex flinches slightly, like my words hit him in a way he wasn’t ready for, even though I said them in the casual tonefriends sometimes use. I see the shock ripple through him like a wave.
"You love me?" he whispers in disbelief.
His disbelief makes me strangely sad. I smile, tilt my head, raise my hand and touch his cheek with infinite gentleness. He closes his eyes.
"Of course I do, silly. Loving you is the easiest thing in the world. It’s as natural as breathing. I’ll always love you, remember that, okay?" I keep my tone light, as if those weren’t huge words but something all friends say, even though there’s a much deeper truth underneath.
Alex stares at me for a moment, as it sinks in, as he gets it too, the secrets under the surface, the unspoken things, the subtle play between us like light and shadows across a still lake. Then he says quietly, matching my ‘just friends’ game, "Thanks. I love you too, you know? You’re great."
I let myself smile wide, easy, a little fake of course. Then I tap the tip of his small nose with my finger.
"And now we get to work." I wink at him and head toward my guitar. I feel Alex’s gaze on my back and I feel the heavy, almost physically tangible sense of regret filling the room, regret that we can’t be anything more, and I know it’s going to follow us like a curse from now on.
???
The end of the year and the Award Ceremony are my first official performance with the school band, I play guitar and sing as the lead vocalist, and for the intro I’m supposed to perform a popular cover to boost the energy, then a few songs at the end of the ceremony that the principal personally asked me to do. It's my first time walking onto a stage and my nerves are eating me alive.
Parents and the first-year students are already gathered, and every pair of eyes will be on me.
Right before the principal announces me, I have a slight nervous breakdown, I’m curled up with my hands pressed to my aching stomach, but Alex is already beside me, making sure I don’t fall apart completely.
"You’ve got this in the palm of your hand, it’s practiced perfectly, you could play and sing it half asleep in the middle of the night, everything is going to be fine, okay?"
But in moments of stress my demons crawl out from the dark corners of my mind, and all I can think about is that one absurd thought, what if they found out the truth about me, how differently they would look at me, with disgust and mockery, a damaged alpha, a cumdump.
I press my hands to my stomach twisted with nerves, it’s hard to take a breath.
Alex sees my state, kneels in front of me, grabs my hands and pulls them away from my stomach.
"Bay, focus. Everything will be fine, I promise you. You just need to walk in there and feel the music. When you sing and play, it’s a little like you’re sinking into another world, so let yourself be in it! Music equals safety, you’ll be okay there, do you understand? Safe place." Alex gives my hand a small shake.
But I’m still stiff and tense.
"Please, let yourself step into that bubble and everything will go easy from there, I promise."
I look into his eyes, searching for answers in them for a moment, searching for strength, and I find it there. Support, warmth, he has my back, one hundred percent.
My fingers intertwine with his small ones for a second.
"Thank you, Alex, for everything. You’re right."
And he is. For a long time now music has been like a protective barrier I could build around myself when my thoughts drift too deep into the dark.
Alex smiles at me so brightly, and he probably has no idea how beautiful his face is, his features are so delicate, his lips soft and sweet, and his small nose sprinkled with a few pale pink freckles.
