"Let them talk then. Maybe they should make bets or something if they’re that bored and obsessed with other people’s private lives."
"You know that’s an answer that only delays the inevitable, right?" Dereck tilts his head. "This question will come back sooner or later." His tone is also teasing, almost as if he sees straight through my dilemma.
My lips tighten and irritation gathers inside me.
"You know, maybe I think Alex is out of my league and I could never move up from being his friend to being his boyfriend, maybe that’s why I never tried to ask him out?"
The moment I say it, I realize what a huge mistake I’ve made and how stupid that was. Dereck stares at me like I’m an idiot, obviously what I said makes absolutely no sense to him.
Alex lifts his head too, his eyes turning toward me, but I keep mine locked on Dereck’s face, terrified of what I might see in Alex’s.
"Never mind," I try to back out of it, "I’m just saying nonsense, because the truth is that it’s nobody’s business what kind of relationship Alex and I have," I mutter this while shoving in the last bites of my chicken salad.
A heavy silence falls over the table, and only after a moment does Dereck switch the subject to something else, something about the end-of-year ceremony where I’m supposed to perform, and he’s also in the band.
I grab onto the new topic with relief. But I know perfectly well that Alex is still silent and that his mind must be spinning with all the thoughts that were swirling in mine just moments ago. What are we to each other? Why did I dodge the answer?
When lunch break ends and we go our separate ways to class, I still don’t know how to act or what will happen if Alex wants to continue this conversation after school. It’s Friday after all, and we planned to go to my home.
After classes we head out together toward my dad’s car, but we only talk about harmless, random things. Still, I feel it in the air, that shift in his energy, and I know Alex has been thinking about my conversation with Dereck theentiretime.
In the car we keep talking about casual topics.
My dad asks Alex about his summer plans.
Alex says he doesn’t have any for now, his dad works constantly and can’t take a longer vacation. So my dad inquires if he might want to come with me, Rain, and Skye to Uncle Van’s place, to visit my cousins. My uncle has a cabin in the woods by a lake, and he often hosts us or the rest of the cousins, of which I have many.
Alex gives a diplomatic answer, that he’d have to ask his dad first, and my dad encourages him to do that because the forest is beautiful, with great rock formations, hiking trails, and viewpoints nearby.
When we get home the strange quiet between me and Alex doesn’t go away. We were supposed to record a backing track for one of my new covers, but when we enter my room Alex sits down on the edge of the bed and I can tell immediately… the conversation is coming.
Maybe it’s better to face it head-on?
So I walk up to him and unexpectedly sink to my knees on the floor beside him. I lift my face and our eyes meet.
"Are you mad at me? For what I said to Dereck?"
Alex blinks as if surprised, maybe he didn’t expect such a direct approach.
He bites his lip.
"Why would I be mad at you? Everyone has the right to describe things to others the way they see them, even if it isn’t the truth." Wow, sounds so… cautious.
A moment of silence stretches between us. I break down what he just said, and the meaning hits me. He thinks I simplysaid something that isn’t true, but he doesn’t hold it against me. Did I understand that correctly? Is that good? I’m terrified of digging deeper because I know where it might lead.
His small fingers tighten around his inhaler, and I see he is having trouble getting his next breath, so he takes a dose of his medication.
Then suddenly he says, "I’d like to know the answer to that question too. What are we to each other, Bay?"
Wow. There it is. It had to happen eventually, didn’t it? Why am I still not ready after a whole year?
"We’re best friends," I whisper, barely audible, lowering my head a little and staring at his hands clasped together on his knees, gripping the inhaler like a lifeline. I know this is stalling again. Damn it.
"I know that," he says softly, "but I want you to know that I like you a lot, and I would want…"
As he speaks I realize he is about to say it, that he wants something more, and I can’t let that happen. I cannot let those words be spoken!
"I like you a lot too and I really value our friendship, Alex!" I cut in, "The truth is I know how things can go when people try to turn a friendship into a relationship, and it very often ends with… the end of that friendship, and when it fails they can’t fix the relationship or the friendship, and… your friendship is so incredibly important to me," I ramble it almost pleadingly, my eyes begging him to end the conversation right there.
