“Bloodyhell, Titch.” Armand used both hands to scrub at his face. “That’s exactly what he did. He told you a truth about himself, and youran from him.”
I glared, straightening up. “That’s not what happened. You weren’t there. You don’tknow.” I’d thought he would understand. Weren’t we the piners? “We could be great together! We could be perfect. My life was so close to being perfect, and I cameso closeto having everything I’ve ever wanted, and it was justrippedaway.” All I’d wanted was Skyler to see me as a romantic option, as something other than a small, helpless creature he kept having to save, but it turned out that me being pathetic wasn’t even the problem. I’d been trying to romance a brick wall this entire time.
Armand sighed, watching me with those dark, hangdog eyes. “Look, Titch, I can’t tell you how to feel—” he worked his jaw slightly “—but I think you’ve hurt Skyler quite badly—”
“Ihurthim?” My voice echoed down the empty halls of the arts building.
Armand shook his head, biting his lower lip. He unfolded himself out of the chair and shrugged on his bag. “This is none of my business,” he said. “Shall we?”
There was a coldness in his voice that made me want to start crying again, but I just stood aside so he could step out of his office and lock the door.
I really had thought he would understand.
August 14th
“When I said I liked you—it wasn’t as a friend, it was because I’m attracted to you—”
I had walked back to my residence hall in a daze but couldn’t make it inside. I was on my tenth or twelfth pace of the parking lot, arms crossed tight over my chest and holding my shoulders. As if that could stop the shaking. As if it could change the fact that ...
He ran away.
I’d told Robin something that only Matt—and I guess, kind of Armand—knew about me, and he ran away.
I’d thought I was going to throw up. And I might have, if my whole body hadn’t locked up in distressed shock.
I went over what had happened again and again; I couldn’t stop. Replaying how Robin’s face had crumbled as he explained through tears that he didn’t want my friendship. He never had.
I didn’t know how to do this. To look a heartbroken person in the eyes and sayI’m sorry I don’t understand what’s going on with me or why I feel, or don’t feel, the way I do. Sorry if I did something to lead you on, sorry that I might not be able to give you what you’re looking for.
Sorry that’s not good enough.
I gripped my phone too hard as I pulled it from my pocket.
Skyler:you up?
After a moment:
Matt:skyler it is barely nine o’clock pm at night, what am I, ninety years old
Matt:yes I’m up u doofus, whattya want
Skyler:kinda freaking out can we talk
In seconds he was calling me.
“Sky? You okay?”
“Um. Yeah. I just ...” I gulped, struggling to take a breath. “Robin—he told me he likes me. That he’s attracted to me, and that he wants ...”
“Did you tell him? That you’re ace?”
I kicked my shoe against a parking curb. “Yeah. And I thought I explained it as best I could, but I was just so surprised, and I had no idea that he—” The memory of Robin clattering to the floor during workshop the other day, his face blazing pink, unable to make eye contact with me.
I’m stupid, I’m so stupid.
Matt was quiet. Even over the phone I felt his tone change, his usual jokes slipping into something serious. “Fuck. I’m sorry, Skyler, that must’ve been really uncomfortable for you.”
“Well, yes, but—” I needed to explain this correctly. “I tried to tell him that I, you know, don’t feel attraction in that way—”Don’t think about Delia, don’t think about Delia.“I made him cry, Matt. I’ve never seen someone so upset, and it was my fault.”
