“Skyler, no,” Matt jumped in immediately. “How he reacted is his business. It’s not your fault for being honest. You shouldn’t try and hide or change yourself to make someone else comfortable.”
Easy for Matt to say. It was nothing I begrudged him for, but he had the benefit of having known extremely early on what his preferences were, how he felt about sex, and what he wanted from relationships in general. “But that’s the thing—how could it be ‘changing myself’ if I don’t even know for sure what my ‘self’ is?”
“Sky—”
“Is it fair to shut him down because I think Imightbe ace without experimenting to know for sure?” I paused to breathe, which was just as well because Matt had gone quiet too.
Finally, he said, “I get where you’re coming from, I do, but you remember sophomore year?”
“What about—” Then it hit me.
Billi Hinkley from history class. Matt, and several other friends, had informed me that they liked me—something that Billi themself had confirmed not long after. I had liked them well enough; they’d been smart and kind and wittier than anyone else in the class. I’d spent an entire class period staring at the back of their head, willing something to click. I’d known that pretty much everyone in our grade was having sex, that there was supposed to be more than what I’d felt so far—if I could just get my body to react, then maybe something could happen with us ...
“This is different,” I managed. “I do like him, and yes, maybe I thought I was ace, but maybe things could change. Maybe if I wasn’t like this, if I was—”
“Stop right there.” Matt’s voice, while as kind and well-meaning as ever, cut through the phone as sharply as if he were standing in front of me. “Don’t you dare finish that sentence. I’ll kick your ass.” Neither of us had turned on our video, but I knew he was pacing in his room like he always did, running a hand down his face in frustration. “Listen, I can’t tell you what to do here—I mean, I could, I’m three months older than you so I have seniority—but you can’t force feelings, Skyler. They either happen naturally or they don’t. You don’t owe anyone reciprocation.”
“But we know that sexuality can be fluid,” I pointed out, desperately grasping for a way to make sense of this without mentioning Delia, “so that means what we think might be true of ourselves at one point in time might not always be true, right?”
“Yeah, but ...” The wind went out of Matt’s sails. “Listen, I’ll support you no matter what, okay? I may not have known you your whole life, but I know you like I know myself. And you don’t always prioritize what’s best for you. I just want you to be happy, whatever that looks like for you.You, though. Not anyone else.”
A lump had dangerously formed in my throat, and my whole body ached like I’d run a marathon. “I know, Matt. Thanks. I want you to be happy too.”
“Love you, dude. I’m proud of you, okay? Stop thinking wrong things about yourself.”
It was so tempting to believe him, to be reassured by his natural confidence. I wanted to trust what I had, for the last few years, felt in my core was my natural state of being. “Thanks. I’ll try.”
We said goodnight and I ended the call, already missing him. If our relationship could survive me running away, it could survive anything. I knew now that Matt would always be there for me—but in the end this was my responsibility to figure out.
I couldn’t tell him about the biggest piece of evidence that my orientation could change: the fact that I’d fallen in love with his girlfriend.
But it wasn’t her beauty that had led to the shift in my feelings for Delia. It was her humor, her charm, and her artistry that had drawn me in.
Robin was funny and charming and creative. There was no reason why I shouldn’t be able to replicate those feelings with him.
The shock of his confession was slowly dissipating the longer I fidgeted, as well as the sting of rejection, the confirmation that my nature was incompatible with the people I cared about.
There was someone who cared about me, thought I was attractive, and had earnestly delivered an entire speech to tell me how he felt. After Delia, how could I so firmly assert my asexuality? If I’d been attracted to someone before, surely it could happen again.
Maybe Robinhadrun away. But how was what I’d done any different? I hadn’t been able to handle my new feelings for Delia, and I’d known I could never talk about it, so I’d left home and hurt those I left behind.
“I know I said it was possible to maintain a friendship with someone you have feelings for, and it is, but not for me.”
Matt’s voice crept in from the back of my mind.Or maybe you can’t change. Maybe this is who you are, and you can’t use someone else to force something you don’t feel—
But itwaspossible for my feelings to change—my love for Delia had proved it—and I cared about Robin enough to want to keep his friendship; if I could just shift my attraction to her over to Robin, if I could allow the version of myself that I’d known for eighteen years to grow and change ...
Robin would be happy. And I could finally move on.
August 14th- Tomorrow, tomorrow, oh god, tomorrow
As Finch drove away, I wondered if I should have done more. If I’d failed in my role as employer, educator, elder. There was clearly a correct way to have handled the situation with Robin and Skyler, but whatever it might have been lay well beyond my limited capabilities.
At least Lucas hadn’t been there to see the mess I’d made of it.
Numb—but not at all pleasantly—I climbed the stairs and let myself into the dark, empty flat.
Of course it was empty. Whatever milkshake-related emergency Lucas was dealing with was obviously an all-nighter type of deal.
