Why would I want to bleed on anyone else’s parade?
I’m beginning to think the emptiness in my chest will never fill. I wonder what it would feel like if it was whole, though. I wonder who I would be without the hollowness. My two best friends are like sunshine personified, and I hope that if this ever fades, I will be too.
Rowan knows me better than I’d like him to, even if he doesn’t know everything. And yes, it does terrify me because there are few people who do—my dads, Lana, and Isa included.
It’s just Rowan. He’s Rowan. Everyone deserves a Rowan, except me. Being with Rowan is like the sun coming out from behind the clouds during a devastating hurricane. Except, I’m the hurricane.
Even so, I miss him. Longing. Yearning. Burning.Missing.Those are the words for the tiny pricks of pain I’ve been feeling in my chest.
Because I miss him and feel terrible about my behavior, I’m parked outside of his small, comfortable home grabbing a tray of freshly baked cupcakes I made just for him. I’ll always make his favorite flavors; I don’t think I’ll ever stop. Even unconsciously my hands prepare the same ingredients every time I need a distraction from him. That’s how I ended up with the red velvet coconut cupcakes in my hands.
I shake my limbs and stretch my neck out before shutting the car door with my hip and walking up the small path and three steps to his door.
Knock. Just knock. Knock!
I blow out a breath and lift my fist, but the door swings open before I can make contact and I see one of my favorite faces looking down at me with the most beautiful shade of blue eyes in the world.
“Hi.”
“Hi,” Rowan says quickly, followed by, “What’s wrong?”
“Why do you always ask me that before you ask me anything else?”
“Because I can tell when something is wrong, so I’m not going to askhow are you?just to have you lie to me.”
“I lie to you regardless, don’t I?” I try to joke.
Should not have said that.
Rowan frowns. “I guess so.” His voice is as cold as ice—a sharp icicle stabbing between my ribs. “Why are you here?”
I hold up the tray of freshly made, delicious cupcakes. “I made your favorite: coconut red velvet with the shavings on top.”
Rowan grunts his approval, his eyes examining the peace offering. He makes no move to allow me inside, and I don’t suppose he should.
“I’m not here for sex,” I blurt. “I just…I wanted to give you these. And say I’m sorry.”
His eyes flit to the cupcake then back to me. “Why are you sorry?”
“I…” I blink a few times. “I don’t… For treating you like—like a worthless booty call?”
He arches a brow. “Are you asking?”
“No—No. I’m sorry I treated you like a worthless booty call.”
Rowan huffs an incredibly quiet laugh before he sighs, his icy eyes melting. “I’m sorry for shouting the way I did. I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that.”
“No, you told me the truth,” I murmur. “I needed to hear it. Um… and thank you. For helping.”
So, he isn’t going to let me in then. That’s fine. So fine. It’s good.
It’s good he isn’t letting me in. I don’t think I can be around him right now without wanting to fuck him to distract myself and settle whatever chaos is in my mind. To fill whatever emptiness I feel.
He’s right. Fuck. Damn him, he’s right.
“I was just….very overwhelmed. I didn’t mean to cry. I didn’twantyou to see me cry,” I say quickly, my voice cracking. “And I didn’t cry to avoid the conversation. Everything you said is right. I just…It was a lot in the moment, and before you came over, I was feeling—I wasn’t?—”
“Natalia—”
