She cries, breaking my heart, and soaking my sweater. I hold her up as everything she’s held inside for the day pours out of her like a violent tsunami, crashing down the protective border she’s built.
“Woah, hey.” I quickly squat down and catch her when her legs give out. She nearly drops to the floor, slipping out of my arms, but I catch her in time. “Come up here with me, sweetheart.”
“I can’t.” She hiccups.
“That’s okay.” I lift her off her feet and take us to hercouch. I sit back with her across my lap and her body is limp against my chest. “I’ve got you.”
Oh my god, I love her to death. And oh my god, I’d rather die than have her go through this. I know nothing of what it’s like to live inside her head. I don’t know the way she feels when she wakes up or what she thinks about just before she falls asleep. I only know that if she feels likethis,it hurts her too much.
“Talk to me,” I rasp.
“No.” She sniffles hard and pushes me away. “No. No, not like this. Go.”
She’s hurting herself again, rubbing too violently at her face, her nails digging into the skin of her palms. And I’m so fucking scared to leave.
“I can’t leave,” I whisper. “I’m not leaving you like this, sweetheart.”
“Rowan—”
“I can’t leave,” I say again, my hands reaching out to cup her face. But she takes a step back before I can. “You’re scaring me.”
“Rowan, I amtired.” Her voice trembles. “I am tired and I am inpain.I need you to go,” she says and points at the door.
“Nat—”
“Get out! Get out, go!” Natalia cries. “Go…Please,” she croaks, her voice shaky and broken. “Please, just go.”
Even though I don’t know what just happened, why we were angry and shouting, I go with it.
“Go,” she croaks. “I can’t do this right now. I can’t…”
“Sweetheart.”
Natalia’s teeth are digging into her lip, her head shakingrapidly. “I can’t hear that right now,” she croaks quietly, her feet shifting and hands trembling. “Don’t…Don’t call me…”
“Nat—”
“Look,” she says, softer, “I just need to be alone. I won’t—I won’t do anything. I promise. Just...please.”
“I…” I almost keep insisting—almost tell her no, that she won’t be getting her way in this scenario. But I have to trust her, so I surrender; she gave me no other choice. I force my legs to take me to the door.
“Okay, well…You said no sleepovers,” I mutter, slipping on my shoes and draping my coat over my arm, already regretting those words. I stare down at her and pause in the doorway, hoping for…something. “Um, have—have a goodnight, Natalia.”
“Go,” she croaks again. “I—I’m so?—”
I kiss her temple and close her apartment door behind me, leaving my heart with her.
CHAPTER 19
Natalia
He’s kept his distance—painfully so. Painful for me, at least. He hasn’t spoken to me in several days, and I can’t really blame him, can I? Everything he said was the truth, and that’s why it hurt so badly when he left. Defeated, I cried myself to sleep.
He rushed to me because he was scared and in pain, and I somehow made it worse. I never want my sadness to be an imposition. And maybe that’s what I am to him too, just like everyone else.
They have other things they need to worry about; I should not be one of them. So what if I went home after Friendsgiving and had…thoughts. Everyone is okay. They should be okay. Theywould beokay. After a while, life would go back to normal for everyone. My dads would be able to travel more, my friends won’t have to make extra food for our gatherings. At their weddings, they can pay for one less plate.
See? No impositions.
