“It’s okay, we fell asleep,” I rasp.
“I know, um…” She rubs at her eye. “Um…We…”
“I know,” I sigh. This is where our night ends.
No sleepovers.Those are rulesactualfriends with benefits make. But Natalia and I are not that. We have our benefits, but Natalia has never been just my friend. She’s been my person since the beginning, even when she hated me and when we bickered and bantered for fun.
My fists curl and I hate that they do because the idea of following this stupid rule is just pushing buttons in my brain that send anger through me. Anger I don’t want to have—shouldn’thave since I knew what I was getting myself into when I decided to chase a girl who rarely lets anyone in.
“Rowan…” She chews at the corner of her lip with soft, sympathetic eyes like she plans on stabbing me in the chest. “We said?—”
I leave her in the living room as I hunt down my clothes before I sit at the edge of her bed in my briefs and find my socks. She stands in the doorway, the curls that came free from her clip framing her face, and shuffles on her feet. “Rowan…what…”
“I’m getting dressed,” I rasp and find my chinos on the floor.
“Rowan…”
I sigh and hold my pants on my lap. “Can we talk about it then?” I ask, trying again. “Please, Natalia. I can’t… I can’t see you like this.”
“I don’t know what you mean?—”
“Natalia.” I groan, standing up and slamming my pants onto the floor. “Please.”
“Rowan, I don’t know what to tell you,” she rasps, her voice trembling the slightest bit.
“The truth,” I beg. “I know you, Natalia. And this?—”
“You don’t know me.” She breathes. “You think you do because we’re having sex. But guess what, you don’t get a sticker for making me come. It’s basic bedroom etiquette?—”
“Wow,” I breathe, licking across my teeth and nodding. I snatch my pants from the floor again and pull them up my legs. “Wow.”
“Rowan—”
“You know…” I chuckle, to myself, and grab my shirt up next. I take a step until I’m towering over her and say, “I care about you, Natalia. I know you better than you think I do, and I think that scares you. I think itterrifiesyou that I seeyouand you don’t want me to because you’re scared.”
“I’m—”
“You think you have parts of you that are dark and unloveable, but that isn’t true,” I say. “I’m not going to apologize for pushing you and asking if you’re okay because, you know what, I don’t think you’re used to that. And fuck, you should be. Youshouldbe used to a guy asking about you, wanting to know aboutyou.Every damn day, I want to go after that fucking asshole who hurt you the way he did, but I don’t because I’m here, trying to show you that I’m not him and I never will be. I’m here trying to show you how you deserve to be treated. Natalia, you deserveso muchand I’ve wanted to give you everything since I’ve known you.”
“Rowan…”
“You’re scared, so we only have sex, Natalia.” I shove my arms into the sleeves and button up the shirt I came with, sans my missing undershirt. “And that’s fine. I can do sex. I can fuck you however you want me to and make you come as many times as you ask—that’s fine. And I’ll follow your stupid rules.”
Natalia swallows audibly, her eyes sadder than they were before and they make me want to stay—to never leave her. But these were her rules. And as she’s said, it’s just sex. It might always bejustsex.
“I’m gonna go,” I mumble and walk past her, out of her bedroom.
She follows after me. “Rowan, please?—”
“I came here to check on you,” I say. “To make sure you were okay. To see if you needed afriend.And... Instead, I came and did the opposite.”
“Didn’t you want to?—”
“That wasn’t why I came!”
“But—”
“I didn’t come here for sex, Natalia! I came to make you feel better,somehow. But instead, it seems the only way I can make you feel better is if I fuck you. Or if I’m your fake boyfriend when your parents visit town or video call you so they aren’t on your ass. You don’t think I know you don’t want them on your ass? This is all I’m good for. I’m your boy toy!”
