Liam traded curious looks with his niece and nephew. “Mark, what are you talking about?”
“Your brother is under a lot of emotional stress. Mark, maybe you should go upstairs and lay down. We can talk about this in the morning,” Pastor Fry said.
“No, we are talking about this now!” Mark was never one for yelling. His booming voice shut everyone up. “Mariel kept journals all throughout her life. I remember watching her write in them at school, around the house. When she died, I couldn’t go through them. It was too painful to look.” He showed off the two journals to the room. “I found her journals from when she studied in London.”
Liam bobbed his head up. That must’ve been why Nathan was in the basement. He was desperately trying to untangle the mystery of his life. He caught Walt looking at him, the same thing appearing to run through his little mind.
“Mark, dear, those are personal,” Brenda said.
“Not anymore.”
“Mark, stop it. You are acting wild, and disrespecting my daughter’s name.” Pastor Fry reached for the journal, but Mark snapped them away. He had a look of madness in his eye—or was it clarity?
Mark flipped open the first journal. “September second: Fuck. I’m pregnant.”
Walt and Franny snickered.
Mark continued reading: “I am the worst girlfriend. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I am so scared, but at the same time, I already feel love for the person growing inside me. He or she is a part of me. I’ve been thinking of holding this baby in my arms and picking out baby clothes and telling off snobby mums in play circles. But what am I going to tell Mark? He loves me. I am ashamed for doing this to him, but I love him so much, and maybe, someday, he will understand.”
Mark turned a chunk of pages. “September twenty-eighth: I told my parents, and they reacted even worse than I expected. Twenty minutes of Mum crying and Dad calling me a whore.” He flicked his eyes at Pastor Fry. “Telling me what a horrible mistake I made, then bringing up every mildly rebellious thing I’d ever done in my life, down to putting on lipstick when I was five. He refused to let me come back to New Zealand in this condition. He’s paying for me to stay in London until the baby is born. Free holiday! The catch is I can’t tell anyone back home about the baby, especially not Mark. Dad said this was for my own protection, so I could go back to my life, but I knew he was mostly worried about what his congregants would say about him. He said if Mark ever found out, he’d dump me, and the whole community would want nothing to do with a whore. There was that word again. He and Mum would disown me. How can I not tell Mark? How can I not bring this up when we chat on the phone?”
“Mark, that’s enough,” Pastor Fry said.
Mark ignored him and flipped to one of the last pages. “March seventh: I had my final ultrasound. There is a baby inside of me. A baby boy! I cry every day thinking about giving him up, about not knowing how he’s doing. I have dreams about hearing him cry but not being able to hold him. I found the father. He’s a businessman in London. He deserves to know about his son. So does Mark. Dad and I had another blowup about it, and he said he would have me committed to an institution if I uttered one word of this back home. I wasn’t crazy, but that wouldn’t stop him. Mum then got on the line and said Mark would never speak to me again, neither would my friends. I would never be able to act. My life would be over before it begun.”
“Stop!” Pastor Fry ripped the journal out of his hands and threw it against the wall. “Your children are here!”
“What would you have done if she told you?” Brenda asked. “Would you have married her, had these two beautiful children? I meant what I told her all those years ago. Her life would’ve been ruined.”
Liam could see the struggle on Mark’s face. Hindsight was easy. The present, not so much.
“We’ll never know,” Mark said. “You didn’t give any of us that chance. She cared about Nathan. The secret she had to live with her whole life…I don’t know how she bared it.”
He pulled the second journal from under his arm. “This is from seven years ago. May ninth: Another year older. I wonder what you’re up to. I wonder what kind of student you are. Maybe you’re in all the smart classes, unlike me. Or you’re the star of your football team, unlike me. Maybe you’re a straight arrow, unlike me. But I hope tonight, you do something just a little bit wild, like I would’ve done at your age. Smoke a joint. Stay out really late.” Mark let out a tearful guffaw. He broke, and the tears fell. “I’ve been tempted to find you online. It’s like an alcoholic staring at a liquor bottle. But I can’t. It would be too painful to find you, to have to explain how I abandoned you. It’s better you be with your own family and never think of me.” He snapped the journal shut tossed it on the coffee table. “I always felt some distance between Mariel. I knew she loved me, but there was a part of herself she was hiding.”
Liam felt the same about Nathan, and he thought about the secret he had to carry everyday, the shame. He looked over at his niece and nephew, who were crying like their dad.
“Your grandchild was out there in the world, and you didn’t care,” Mark said.
“He is not my grandchild! He was a mistake, a mistake that should’ve stayed buried,” Pastor Fry said.
“He’s not a mistake!” Franny yelled. “He’s my brother, and you’re a jerk, grandpa!”
Pastor Fry turned red with anger. “Are you going to let your daughter speak to me in that way?”
“No, no I’m not,” Mark said. “Franny, do not call your grandfather a jerk.”
Franny hung her head and nodded that she understood.
“Call him a fucking arsehole prick instead.”
Every jaw dropped to the floor. Franny and Walt giggled in shock. Liam had never seen this side of his brother. And probably, neither had Mark.
“Get out of my house,” Mark growled at his in-laws.
Pastor Fry and Brenda left without saying a word. Mark and Mariel would’ve worked through what happened in London, Liam believed. It would’ve been a tough pill to swallow for his brother, but they would’ve made it. They were in love. They would’ve made it through.
Chapter 30
